Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

On that one, he doesn’t get to decide when you are going back to work, sorry.

Plenty of possible arrangements too if he is that worried about his baby being in childcare rather than at home. It involves him being at looking after his own baby. Would he do that? Has he ver done that?

I set the bar high and that would be enough for me to finish it.

However, I've always been financially well off to cope without a man if I had to but if you're not and have a young baby it may be worth giving him one chance. Just the one.

He left the job by his own violation which is a good start. He now has to prove to you that his days of going out drinking and getting blind drunk are over.

Even better if he gives up alcohol altogether.

Set a time in your mind, say six months, and see how he behaves.

If he can't be a loyal and responsible parent, bin him. During the six months you can get your finances in order.

eeeeeep he has another child he had at 15!!!!! he's probably never had the wild teenage years and he didn't even get to do anything fun in his 20s cue you guys decided to have a baby young!

This has nothing to do with cheating, and it's not going to make op feel any better when she's had a family young.

And he probably did have 'wild teenage years' as he was the father, and not the mother who was actually caring for her child.

@NewMum383 its MS so a lot if the answers will be to LTB. That’s pretty standard.

First, you’re less than 4 months post partum. This is not the right time to take harsh decisions. You’re at a vulnerable time in your life. Take time. You dint have to make any decisions just in the spot.

My oldest dc is only 21yo so not that far in age than your DP.
When he first went to Uni, he went a bit wild. Quite a bit of drinking going on! And after about a year, things settled down and the drinking became ‘controlled’ fur want if a better word.
I think most people go through that phase tbh. And I’m wondering if your DP has had the opportunity to do that. I suspect not - esp as he seems to have taken his role as a father to his older dc at heart. Which tells a lot about him as a person. And in a good way.

So what I see is a young man who has had a lot if responsibilities from very young. Who stepped up - which is, unfortunately, unusual. And hasn’t had the opportunity to just try stuff, mess up and learn, wo hurting anyone else but themselves in the process.

On that ground and because he has taken all the right steps wo anyone threatening him about it, I’d give him a second chance.

I do think you need to be very clear about what you expect. Not just ‘you’re not going to miss anyone else or go out on binge drinking sessions’. But about how he can support you being a mum. What would make you feel cared. And what will help you trust him again.
That’s a lot of hard conversations there.

In the mean time, I’d think carefully about your work prospects etc…
Yes it’s great to build a life with someone you love. And have a family.
But it should never be at your own detriment. That means keeping yourself as financially independent as possible. And remembering that love is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just a feeling. And that no matter how sorry someone is, actions speak louder than words.
If he is stepping up, is getting properly involved in his baby’s life (just like he is with his oldest). Is treating you as an equal, not an after thought, then great.
If he isn’t, then I’d really reconsider your options.

Actually you have no idea what the arrangements were when his oldest was born.

I know a young mum who had a baby at 16yo.
Both mother AND father were looking after the baby from the word go (albeit with support from their respective families).
Yes it’s unusual. But the reality is that this young man has his child 50/50, which a hell f a lot grown up men don’t. They often dint even have them EOW because it’s too much work.

I think we should be acknowledging that rather than assuming he is a dead beat father , wasn’t involved with the baby etc….

@KnitWittedNan

i can assure we had plenty of fun when we got together. From 17-21 we would party, go camping, go to festivals etc etc (obviously when his eldest was at his mums).
so missing out on that isn’t right at all, he’s done all that & more I would say

I didn't say you have, I'm sure you did.

@JustExistingNotLiving

he definitely isn’t a dead beat dad… I hate that people are assuming this.

okay, he’s certainly not been as involved recently as he should have been with us having such a young baby as he’s made the choices he has. But he is a great dad, he loves his kids & he would do anything for them.

he stepped up at 15 when he wanted to run. He raised their child for a year together before they called it quits. And that’s something I’ve always admired him for as you said, not a lot of young dads step up especially at the age of 15

@JustExistingNotLiving I'm not slating him at all, so there's really no need for this.

The mum who lives with the baby will be doing more than the dad, regardless of how involved he is. She is tied down, especially at 15.

He is much more able to go out and have 'wild teenage years'.

My entire post was about the assumption that he didn't have 'wild teenage years' being wrong. Maybe the mum had a good family and had free time too.

And support is what has been offered. I’ll repeat what I said previously - please value yourself and your child enough to not accept this.

He left his job because of it, and confessed to you. He sounds honourable, and lovely. Give him another chance. He is still a young man but clearly lives his family

He sounds honourable, and lovely.

I'm all for balance, but seriously?

"He sounds honourable, and lovely."

🤣 hi OPs boyfriend

@NewMum383

This is a tough one but based on your posts and updates, I believe you that he is a good guy overall. It sounds like your relationship has been a good one until now and you and he can come through this if you want to. He behaved badly and irresponsibly but he was honest with you and has given up the bar job and is trying to make amends.

You may well be right that he is having a kind of mid-life crisis about 20 years ahead of time. It's not surprising really. He was catapulted into fatherhood at 15 when still a child himself and a good 15-20 years before many men would be becoming first time dads. And he got together with you very quickly after splitting up with his ex. It doesn't sound like he's spent any time single but rather that he embarked on adult type relationships very early in life (perhaps because he became a dad at 15).

And the baby stage, while lovely in many ways, is also incredibly intense and demanding. I think most people find parenting considerably easier by the time their children are school age, unless there are special needs involved. So he may at some level have found returning to those very early days of exhaustion, dealing with a crying baby who can't put their needs into words, nappies, broken routines etc, really difficult, even if he was less involved first time round because he was no longer with his ex.

Like I said - he has behaved irresponsibly and going off drinking, when you're at home with your baby, is really out of order. But overall it sounds like you and he are able to have serious and sensible discussions about things. Give yourself time and be gentle on yourself - this is a very shocking and hurtful thing to have happen, especially at a time when you're feeling particularly vulnerable and sensitive. You don't have to decide now whether or not you can get over this because in fact only time will tell whether you can. His behaviour over the coming weeks and months will have a bearing on your recovery. But it sounds like, overall, you have a strong relationship that can recover from this if you want it to.

Good luck, OP.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is what has happened before this? Is this the only hurdle? If it isn't write it as a list and go through each one, does he appreciate you as you appreciate him or is it just easy and comfortable? Some R&R and deep thoughts on what you want your life to look like and your sons and what makes you happy. It's so important, it's easier to move on then to forgive and never bring it up or question it. Kudos to anyone who can but I wouldn't be able to.

Hi OP
i haven’t read the whole thread.
it sounds like he wants things to be different.
i had children young, and had my first at 20.
which has been great, and I wouldn’t change it at all.
but I worked in a bar when she was a baby, it was very much a drinking culture. I definitely drank too much, and briefly enjoyed being away from my responsibilities.
i left after a while as it was affecting my relationship with my (now) DH. It can be hard when you’re younger, to balance things. Not excusing his behaviour at all, but we’re still together now and have really enjoyed raising our three children. It brought challenges but luckily we were able to muddle through and give each other a chance.

You don't have to decide anything now. People often expect quick solutions. Wither break up right now or totally forgive and move on right now. You can evaluate how you feel and don't need to decide anything.

As always I think a lot of these comments are over harsh. If all the advice was followed here no-one would ever be in a relationship ever. 🙈🙈🙈 Your both very young and in a committed relationship that sounds like up to now has gone well. All the insecurities and struggle your feeling right now as a new mummy; he is probably feeling in a different way too. He made a foolish mistake, held his hands up and made necessary changes. Whilst it doesn't make it ok; he has owned it and made the right changes to try and ensure the future happiness and faithfulness of your relationship. I think you forgive and try your best to move on. It's clear you both want it to work and holding onto bitterness will rot your relationship over time. You don't need to forget, but give him the benefit of your forgiveness and try to start again. Only time will tell in the end. Good luck lovely and I hope this will be the only blip in your relationship road ❤️

Look, at 24 and a drunken kiss, I'd probably not throw it all away. Yes, it'd be hurtful, but he's done the right things. He owned up, left the job etc.

The thing for you to consider going forwards, the most important thing, your financial stability. You personally and your family as a whole. If he's having to take a second job, then unfortunately it's probably best you return to work ASAP.

So you're not financially trapped in the future.

Also, I hear you on the crazy ex thing. We went through so much because of my husband's ex. Some of it seems to be straight out of a movie!

It started when she deliberately lied about being on birth control and admitted to poking holes in all the condoms. She got pregnant after 6 weeks and immediately went back to her ex of 10 years (who she'd been unable to get pregnant to), who strangely enough was the same ethnicity as my husband. When the baby was born she put her ex on the birth certificate. So, I hear you, there isn't always a poor, hard done by woman who is an ex.

Just approach everything from a practical perspective, not enough money means working, his drinking has to end, if he's not prepared to do that? I'd definitely be thinking about my options for being a single parent.

Hi,
So sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I think, he was a silly man but in his defence, he stopped it period. But did he do it out of bad timing and the kiss put him off or genuine mistake.
He actually took you for granted just by not coming home, then the drink etc on top.
If he is truly remorseful, you will know soon enough....as it will happen again further down the line, if he's easily distracted.
I feel for you as some part of you, have lost apart of that trust now.
If he is genuine, he will show you...but it will take some time. If you both want it to work, don't give up just yet... we all cross certain bridges.

Why would anyone want to "trap" a 15 year old boy? They literally have no assets, no job, nothing. Surely if you were a woman who wanted to "trap" someone, you wouldn't pick a boy who couldn't support your baby.

This does feel like he's made it up tbh.

@MMadness

jesus… haha sounds like a nutter. I feel like people don’t went to believe that men can have crazy exs & that it’s just the men projecting their own behaviour onto their ex but SERIOUSLY some women are just like that 😂😅

thank you for your comment, it’s non judgmental & helpful. I appreciate that.
he says he is going to get his drinking under control, I think that’s the main issue here really that’s lead to this whole mess. So we shall see what the future holds 😊

He has a drinking problem. It will probably cause him to make other ‘mistakes’ (whether that be cheating in whatever form or something else) until it is addressed… how would he react if you asked him to cut down on drinking/stop totally for a period of time?

@Dori65

I do believe it was a genuine mistake. I mean how you can call it a mistake or “it just happened” I will never know. That’s the part that I just don’t get, how it just happened. But it did & he says he is so remorseful for it. He says he has never felt so sick to his stomach at the thought of losing me & that he has hurt me.
Oh he definitely took me for granted, this is something I said to him yesterday & he said he realises he has been taking me for granted now & that he’s going to stop.. we will see.
He has never in our 7 1/2 years together, ever got close to another girl, emotionally or physically. So I don’t think he gets distracted easily. He even told me once when my best friend was touching his leg (obviously he moved) & obviously I am no longer friends with her (but strangely enough, not that that reason 😅🤦🏻‍♀️)

I’m really hoping he will show me & continue showing me & we will be able to move past this & live out life as a loving family

Yup. Or wishful.thinking on his part like 'oh, I'm such a catch'. Nope, you're just another kid who thought he could have sex without consequences.

The girl's story is sad: pregnant at 14, characterised by the boyfriend and his family as some sort of gold digger, and left to care for a baby while just a child herself. If she has issues, it's no bloody wonder.

The boyfriend's attitude to her is misogynistic on steroids.