Partner kissed a colleague that I have been worried about

[NewMum383]

My partner & I have (both 24) recently had a baby boy, he is now 3 1/2 months old. We have been together for 7 1/2 years. My partner had to get an evening job at a bar to help support us which I am so appreciative of.
However, the is a colleague of his that he would talk about (she is 2 years younger, 22), at first I didn’t think much of it but then I became anxious about it & told him I was worried that this girl liked him/he may actually like her. He reassured me many times, I honestly felt crazy & I thought it was just postpartum hormones.
My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me.
I found out this weekend just gone that when he decided to go out into town after work with this female colleague & another male colleague the weekend before, he ended up getting black out drunk & they kissed…
He waited a week until he was back on shift with her to speak to her about it & get the facts & then he told me the next day. He said he wanted all the facts before telling me.

He is extremely remorseful & said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I even messaged her to get more information which thankfully she actually maned up & gave me. He apparently said straight after “this is a mistake” & then came home not long after.
He has also quit that job, I didn’t ask him to, he wanted to because he can see it’s not good for him.

I know it was a mistake & I can tell how sorry he is however, I can’t help just thinking about how much I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.
I have been feeling so rubbish about myself as it is & I have told him that because my body has changed so much & then he goes & does this.
I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to get over it, I know it was only a kiss & it could have been worse, but I am absolutely heartbroken

@Nousernamesleftatall

He does yes, he only worked at the pub on a Friday/Saturday evening finishing half 12 latest

I wonder if he was kicked out for getting drunk at work?
I wouldn’t trust him one inch if he thinks that this behaviour is appropriate or acceptable:
….My partner would also always get drunk at work so he would come home really drunk, later than his shift ending or he would go out into town without telling me….
How depressing.

The baby is only 3.5 months old.

I don’t think the op would be sensible to stop working long term but I don’t think she needs pressure to rush back just yet

@JenniferJupiterVenusandMars

no he didn’t get kicked out, I saw him text his boss to say he wouldn’t be coming back as it wasn’t worth his time/it was effecting his relationship.

that is really sad, very similar to what is happening here. I’ve never felt so alone since he started working there & since becoming a mum & I don’t want to feel like that. I want to enjoy being a mum

Men like this always have a “crazy” ex who “trapped” him and an “interfering” mother who reported them to child services for “no reason”. Think carefully about your child’s future and what you want to teach them to accept or expect from others.

@Codlingmoths

honestly, I’d rather not go back to work yet. But if it means he doesn’t have to work 2 jobs & we are better off financially then I will do it. I am fairly certain my job would allow me to bring my baby into the office the odd day too

@CherryBlossom321

No seriously though. She’s a nutter. It was completely his fault for trusting she was on birth control & not using more protection, I always tell him this.
But her mum told her to get pregnant to trap him as this is what she did to their dad… the whole family are nutty.

She said he punched her on a street once when he was at work & he could prove it but he got pulled into the police station anyways. And then I got questions after because she’d been telling them that he also physically abused me… NUTTER seriously. I am a very fair & just person, so I see the good in everyone. But she was a nutter, not so much now. She has settled down thankfully.

This sounds extremely implausible. You think a teenager’s mother encouraged her to get pregnant to trap a 15 year old boy? Come on. The crazy ex stories are very concerning, as if there were not enough concerns here already.

So he fathered a child by age 15, so the mother could 'trap' him. Presumably she was also a child at that point. Where were all the responsible adults in their lives? Where was their PSHE education? By age 15, he was old enough to know about and use a condom, she didn't trap him, he didn't take sensible precautions to prevent pregnancy.

I am not one for shouting LTB, but I would be thinking very carefully about whether this chaos is what you want for your life. Within 3 months of you having a child of your own, he is out drinking and kissing other women. You are putting that blame onto her, saying you didn't trust her, but he is the one who cheated on you, not her. He is 100% responsible for that.

And you witnessed all of this personally?

@CherryBlossom321

these are all things she admitted to him when we went to pick up his son years ago from her flat & she had just got out of bed, had been on something the night before, with his son in a extremely dirty nappy & eating cereal off the floor. I was there, outside mind but I was there when all this happened & his son came to to stay with him for a week whilst she sorted herself out.
My partner may have hurt me in this way but the stories about his ex are completely true, I have been with him through all the drama

@CherryBlossom321

i was also with him through her saying her mum called social services on him when it actually her. Saying that him & his parents drink & take drugs around him all the time & he comes back to her unclean & with bruises. All untrue, my partner lived with his mum & dad at this time & none of this happened. His mums a bloody school teacher… anyways we digress, haha. He isn’t playing victim with his ex, she really was/is a nutter

In that case,

1. You were outside and did not hear this “confession”.
2. It sounds like his mother calling children’s services was justified.

What you are describing here is all classic signs of an emotionally unhealthy man who will continue to cause harm throughout his life and blame other people, especially women. I’ve worked in this area for years.

How does he have an older child if you've been together for 7 years and you are currently both just 24? Did he get someone pregnant when he was 16 or did he cheat on you previously?

I have sacrificed for him to bring our beautiful baby boy into the world, how he leaves me at home to look after our son & his older son to go get drunk after work.

What a shit dad.

Isn't your baby worth more than growing up being taught this is how men behave?

@CherryBlossom321

okay wow, I came here to get support about my partner kissing a colleague. Not to be interrogated on what has happened with his ex.

you may think that this is all linked to his behaviour but I know the truth of what really happened with his ex.
we all get on now… He has always made an effort to make sure he is on good terms with her even through all the shit she put us through. I don’t need to justify but when we first moved out together she also left her son with us full time because she allegedly got kicked out by her mum (she didn’t) she buggered off to Doncaster to live with her then partner. She also told my partner & his family in high school that her dad abused her just so she could live with them. It is all lies. But again, I don’t need to justify that, that is not why I came here, I know what’s true with all that.

@Kitfish

he has a baby with someone in high school at the age of 15

Don’t you know? The Mumsnet chorus of GET BACK TO WORK starts shortly after the placenta is delivered. According to these people, it’s the solution to any problem.

@whatsitcalledwhen

but is it worth him having a split household when I know my partner is a good person deep down, I wouldn’t have been with him for so long if I didn’t believe that.
it’s a really hard one, I’m barrelling so much in my head about what’s right to do.

You will get many people here saying LTB but only you know what you want out of this.

If a female poster on here said she'd kissed a colleague when drunk and was mortified by what they'd done, they their partner down etc, people would say it's not worth ending the relationship for.

He's quit the job, fessed up, and feels awful.

For me, I'd move on.

I'm so sorry this happened, and at such a precious and exhausting time for you. If it were me, I'd be gutted, but I'd look at his behaviour in relation to the cheating and give it a chance to repair things. He messed up, but it sounds like it may have given him a wake up call about what really matters to him. I'd recommend you find some resources to support you - there's lot on the Gottman Institute website that could be helpful, e.g.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-after-an-affair/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/#:~:text=The%20Gottman's%20Trust%20Revival%20Method,frame%20for%20completing%20the%20process.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/recovering-from-affairs-and-infidelity/

You need to take up space with him about how awful it's made you feel, how upsetting it was before the kiss too, and then really get it out of your system, see that he understands the pain he's caused, and come to a new agreement together about how you'll support and respect each other. Trying to push it down and muddle onwards, but harbouring anger and fear, won't work.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your new baby too.

Sorry you're going through this but it sounds like he didn't 'grow up' fast at all. He's still a child, not a man, making up for becoming a father too young and settling down with you too young by getting drunk and getting off with other women. It's just this one for now and of course he's remorseful, but I'd be extremely surprised if it's the end of his drinking and dalliances. You shouldn't have to defend him, you're the one he's treated badly and cheated on. You're not married and you're in a vulnerable position. What's your plan if this doesn't all work out happily ever after? Even if he grovels and gets his act together for now, I'd seriously be making back-up plans so I could manage as a lone parent, and I wouldn't be surprised if he finds someone else and fathers more DC. Sorry again to be so direct, but even in the way you're talking about the mother of his first child (who he leaves you to look after), you sound blinkered. I hope you've got lots of RL support and don't have to rely on him too much.

@Farwell

oh I’m fully aware he should have used a condom, I have told him this multiple times when we’ve spoken about his past. I’m only saying what SHE said to him, why she kept their baby, in her mind it was to trap him because her mum told her to. That’s where her responsible adult was… not being responsible herself.

anyways, this is so completely irrelevant to why I’m actually here. I shouldn’t have even brought her up 🤦🏻‍♀️

How old is his older child and how often is the child with you? Tbh I think the way he's behaving is really unacceptable, in terms of kissing another woman, drinking until he passes out, sheer neglect of his children, his belief you should take care of his older child while he's out drinking, and the money involved. He's completely immature and useless.

For goodness sake don't have another child with him, to be perfectly honest your posting style is way more of worry you really sound like you have no idea what is going on

Are you still living with your parents (you may have said I can't work your posts out) maybe they can help you