Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

[Orestesa]

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

Tell him to go home for the weekend then

After experiencing it I’d rather not go at all.

In sure op and her parents and children and maybe even the dh could spend a weekend somewhere together anywhere else in the world rather than somewhere that could become an expected yearly / regular thing.

And yes, if you love your parents then please invite them. They obviously want to go, they want to know about that part of your life and share that with you briefly.

Parents aren't around forever, and certainly not often both in good health for long either after 70, there may be some really tough years ahead and you have the chance to spend a lovely time together and create special memories. Don't let these opportunities pass you for the sake of your grumpy arse DH.

Most Irish men are pretty family oriented and also relatively easy going about these kind of things in my experience. So the fact that he isn't at all is not good, it's certainly not the cultural norm. My ex husband (Irish as am I) was an arse and not always lovely to my parents but in the scenario you describe, it wouldn't have occurred to him that he could have objected, it would have been just 'this is happening'..

He sounds like he's being horrible, sorry OP. He needs to explain himself and he needs to back the hell off. What a selfish dick to spoil your happiness and deny them such a nice thing.

@ClareBlue haha no this wasn't him!

OK so no restrictions on weekends with his parents, ever, but OPs parents are to be kept well away with the husband condescending to go to the enormous effort of spending a weekend with them somewhere, anywhere in the world so long as its not the West of Ireland. Which he owns apparently. How ridiculous and unbalanced. The husbands access to his parents holiday home should not be the determinant of the relationship or level of contact with the respective parents.

I don’t want my parents there either haha

I was only saying he may be concerned that the few weeks they go to his families holiday home a year may suddenly became a free for all in-laws and his parents yada yada break.

Thanks @theleafandnotthetree . I don't understand why he'd not want to share a beautiful place with others - particularly since they're my parents and are important to me, and I know they'd love it.

I haven't invited them to come yet, because it would feel weird if my husband wasn't on-board and enthusiastic about it, and if he didn't show them he's enthusiastic. Even though he has no claim over the land, it would feel weird for them to come if he didn't want it - given it's his childhood holiday destination.

Also, it would be a one-off, for them to see the sights. One of the sights is world-famous - and is in books about places to see!

If they have never come before now, are limiting the trip to a weekend and have been thoughtful enough to stay in a B&B with no expectation of being put up, then the chances of this turning into some sort of every year lengthy imposition is probably slim enough. It sounds like they want to see a lovely part of the world which means a lot to their daughter and her husband, there is no suggestion that they are establishing a foothold for a future invasion!

@theleafandnotthetree so true about Irish people often being very friendly and welcoming. I have a close relative who has lived there a long time and she's fully 'Irish' now. She gets genuinely astonished when we tell her she can't just invite (who we call randoms) anyone to family events/weddings/funerals/birthday meals etc cos us 'English' (as in the rest of my family who live in England) don't like that. She's thinks we are all such uptight arseholes because in Ireland it's all so much more welcoming and relaxed, the more the merrier whoever you are.

Everyone deserves to see the Cliffs of Moher

Sod that. I'd be announcing 10 minutes before driving away that I'd be away for a weekend with mum and dad and will call him later. Book the B&B on "his turf" and have fun showing your mum and dad round the area you stay every other week or however often you go. Dont go anywhere near his highly guarded secret home. 🤷

OP you sound lovely and kind and naturally find your husbands behaviour baffling. But I know lots of lovely and kind women who glide through life somewhat oblivious to the fact that they are living their husbands lovely life and largely on his terms. Not because he overtly browbeats them but because in a 1000 subtle ways that's how it ends up. So you spend all this time in his childhood idyll and all this time with his parents and its all 'lovely' but then you shift the dynamic by suggesting something that is more to do with you, your family, your desires and then it's not so lovely. I could be completely off base and apologies if I am. Or I could be at least a bit right and you're not minded to hear it. But I do want you to think about it. The fact that you're not angry or telling him to cop on and stop being an arse - which I think would be the normal response - makes me wonder at the balance of power in your relationship. The fact that you are prepared to back out of your very nice plan with your parents major me wonder even more.

Hi @theleafandnotthetree , I can see why you thought that.

I wasn't meaning to excuse his attitude. I think it's weird and I've told him that. I think he's being being selfish and I don't understand why someone would be like that, so that why I asked MN.

I still don’t get why you’re not insisting he give you a reason. Have you two not properly discussed it? He just went ‘I don’t want it’, that was the end of the conversation and you turned to MN? Can you not talk to your husband?

This weekend I'll ask him fully spell out his reasons, rather than giving vague answers.

Why this weekend? Do you need to book an appointment? Just talk to your husband!

Is there something amiss in your relationship? As this seems a very odd dynamic.

Very very strange behaviour.

My two theories, based on nothing other than supposition:

1. he meets someone else when you stay there and is worried they’ll spot this
2. he plans to have some sort of heavy heart-to-heart conversation with you when you next visit and doesn’t want them around

If it was the full week I'd get it but he can't do it for one weekend? That's just seems selfish. I think you should do it and tell him he can spend the weekend relaxing and youl spend time with your parents.

I've just seen your updates lol
I honestly think if you don't invite your parents your allowing him to be selfish and cruel. It dosnt matter if he's Irish and your whatever he chose to marry you and you have a relationship with your parents.
I have Irish friends and they don't stop their spouse seeing their English parents.
For him to be this way if it is over that is a red flag for me. It dosnt matter if he's on board you can simply say he's busy and go and spend d time with your parents. I would tell him that he's being rude and selfish and unwelcoming of your family. It's not ok for his parents to visit when you go but him throw a tantrum when you want yours to. It's not like you've said all the time or for the full week. You also don't get to see them much and he should be supporting you knowing it would make you happy. Me and my husband try spilt time between our families and we'd never stop each other or say no unless it was because we had already made plans or something. I would have a good think because you should not be made to feel like you can't see your family really.

They do. It must be Fanore or Spanish Point then if it is Clare. Unless OP husband was one of the families that went from Limerick to Kilkee every summer in the 70s and 80s. It was very common at that time. Jimmy Carr used to do it with his Granny every summer as a child.
OP, if it's Clare then they must have an opportunity to see it. Shannon Airport is a dream at the moment and you can fly Stansted or Manchester for anyone thinking of coming. In fact everyone should come at least once.😃

She didn’t say they were with his parents, she said they were at their house. The wording suggested it was a holiday home (‘they have a house’, not ‘they live’).

OP also said this

When we are at the holiday house, his parents visit every weekend (their permanent home is an hour away) - which is nice and I encourage it, because it's good to see them.