Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

[Orestesa]

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

Is there no room for them to stay with you both in the holiday home, was my first reaction.

So I’m not on Team DH at all.
Seems really mean spirited

Oh my god he’s awful. I’m endlessly shocked by how fucking terrible some men are. God knows why, there are wall-to-wall threads about dickheads like this.

@Orestesa I'm sorry but your last update makes your 'D'h look insane.

There is no way that was a reasonable explanation, he sounds like an absolute arsehole who wants everything his way (doesn't even need to bother making up a plausible reason - he's just decided he doesn't want them there).

On the face of it he sounds very controlling, never a good thing, and you don't have any autonomy, never a good thing.

But keep posting your threads, one day you will have the courage to break free from him. You might think you are too old to start again, you definitely aren't, and you will build a much better life when you do

Hi @ConciseQueen , I told him that I might just invite them to stay nearby anyway, even if he isn't happy with the idea, because he can't stop them coming.

He said that if I did that, he would ring up my dad and 'put him off the idea'.

I did push him repeatedly for a reason, but that's what I got.

He also said a reason was that 'he likes his own space'. For context, he's not ND.

I kept saying his 'reasons' didn't make any sense to me and I didn't understand.

But you can't force someone to give a valid reason - and I can't think what a valid reason would even be in this case (given that my parents are not rude and are nice to him).

Why are you with this arsehole?

@Dontbeme thanks for the recommendations about the Cliffs of Moher! The holiday house isn't actually near there, but it's somewhere they could visit after on their own, given they'd like to explore the Irish coast.

I think that's unfair and way off the mark @LusaBatoosa . You are making unfounded assumptions. You have no idea how the conversations have gone and how, each time, I have tried to get reasons out of him. I have to persevere with the conversation when he tries to shut it down. If he just won't give a valid reason, despite me saying his reasons make no sense to me, there's not a lot I can do to get one.

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. If this isn’t a wind up then poor you - and your poor parents, having to watch this awful man exert such a level of control over their daughter. I hope you find the strength to leave this arsehole - you must know that this relationship is far from healthy.

Yes it's near there!

🙂

Its totally unreasonable and unless he can come up with a more valid reason, I would not feel I had to act on it. My sense is he knows his feelings are silly but rather than dealing with that, is doubling down. Cliffs of Moher are ok, but the Loop Head peninsula is spectacular. And less touristy.

Your husband sounds awful. What happens if you have children? Won’t he allow you and your children to see your parents.

i agree with previous posters that the situation is very sad

Hang on, this is ringing bells. Did he tell your parents not to come for a week when at your house when you'd invited them? He emailed them or something?

OP - you are rather ignoring the people who are telling you why these are such red flags. And the questions about if he's got other controlling behaviours? and/or about the fact that you've posted other disturbing things about him? Can you see that there's a pattern here?

"Hi @ConciseQueen , I told him that I might just invite them to stay nearby anyway, even if he isn't happy with the idea, because he can't stop them coming.

He said that if I did that, he would ring up my dad and 'put him off the idea'."

Seriously @Orestesa this is NOT normal behaviour. Your DH has a terrible attitude towards the people who brought you into the world and helped shape who you are. If you are not able to nip this in the bud, I would seriously reconsider starting a family with this man . Family life will bring with it lots of challenges and it is important to understand each other and hopefully have similar ideas about things that matter to you.

I think the merits and demerits of different parts of the Irish coastline are the least of your worries. I agree with others that there's an odd kind of passivity in your responses, as if he's being just a bit odd about but hey, ho what can you do. I find his attitude quite disturbing actually and way outside cultural norms and the kind of behaviour and attitude one wants from someone who is supposed to love you. Him ringing your father to put him off the idea is like a giant clanging bell warning you what he is like and of what your future could look like. These kind of behaviours rarely get better, only worse. Please think on OP and do not allow the whole lifestyle/holiday cottage/we're so lucky thing blind you to what's going on here.

This.

Please OP, these are your parents. They love you and you’d enjoy to holiday with them. Your DH is horrible and they will know that. It is so sad. Just stay at the B&B with them.

Are you determined to stay married to your husband, OP? From what you're showing of us here he's really not a nice man. From what you've shown us of your parents, they are really nice people.

I would feel so ashamed of my husband if he behaved like that. He accepts their friendship when it suits him (I bet he'd never turn down a gift or a financial contribution) but he won't do this absolutely tiny thing which would make them happy.

Your parents are getting older now. If you have children with your husband, do you really think he'll make them welcome in your home?

Honestly, the worst type of man you can be married to is one who's unkind to your own parents.

Your updates are very worrying OP.
He sounds very controlling and his behaviour seems odd and anti-social.
You said he wasn't ND - are you sure about that? That's actually the best case scenario option I can think of at this stage.
What are his parents like? Are their visits made out of concern or is it just (their) happy family get togethers.

Also, make sure to go on holiday with your parents, it's important.

Can you go and visit your parents to get away from him for a bit?

I thought this. The man is a total cunt. Abusive.

It’s weird to me that your DH gets to tell you when you can see your parents

I’d just say hey my oarents are coming down for a visit n X date and DH would say oh er eek are they ok then.

This op is not stupid. She does know something is not right.

It takes time to process things and concede that your husband might be troublesome.

Some posters have suggested she has been here before and well if it was her then I suspect deep down she can feel a pattern emerging.

And even if she cannot - because these things are not as straightforward as you might think then in time things will become clearer.

The fact is he doesn’t want them to come and instead of rowing about it he has cut to the chase and said he will contact the parents directly. That is quite a feat for anyone to do - would he actually do it? or is it a threat to get the op to shut up.

Either scenario is worrying.

Good luck op I somehow think you will need it going forward

Jesus OP, all your threads about the cunt you’re married to are absolutely horrifying.

He was the one that emailed your parents behind your back to tell them not to come right?

He’s told you you’re not allowed to go grey.

He upped and walked out when friends came to visit.

He won’t ‘let’ your parents visit a world famous tourist destination because for some stupid reason he sees it as his?

Why on earth are you tolerating this man’s awful behaviour?

It’s not unfair in any way. You now have multiple threads about your inability to speak to your husband about his bizarre and/or controlling behaviour. On the other one, you’re ‘waiting for the right time’ to ask him why he did something.

Earlier in this thread - after it had been going for a while and people had urged you to ask questions, you responded This weekend I'll ask him fully spell out his reasons, rather than giving vague answers - indicating that you had not previously done so.

You are tolerating behaviour that is, quite frankly, batshit.