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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

324 replies

Orestesa · 22/01/2024 00:20

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 30/01/2024 08:30

OhmygodDont · 30/01/2024 08:23

We keep my parents and in-laws apart. Though they can all smile and be police it’s like two very very different worlds colliding. There’s always a thing after too. One mother will spend days maybe weeks moaning about how the other is a this or that and how this or that was so rude with a style of I know we are not their kinda people But…..

its not worth the after calls basically. Maybe his parents really don’t like yours and have said to him they don’t want to be friends but will be social and civil in needed situations which a weekend holiday isn’t and although you say stay in a b&b would they really never step foot in the in-laws house.

He or his patents still doesn't get to decide whether they enter the country or region though! If the in-laws truly don't like the OP's parents, then the solution is simple - don't arrange to meet them. If your scenario is the case, the arrogance of these people would be breathtaking.

Newestname002 · 30/01/2024 08:34

@Orestesa

Why can't you invite your parents to have a weekend just with you, in a nice B&B, showing them the places they'd like, when you know the likelihood of them doing so in the future may not have one? They don't need to see either your husband nor his family whilst there - let that develop, or not, once they're there. 🌹

TheGreatGherkin · 30/01/2024 10:28

@OhmygodDont

Good points.

ThriceThriceThice · 30/01/2024 10:36

Honestly, this sounds horribly controlling and it’s making me uncomfortable.
An abuser always tries to alienate their partner from family/friends.

Maybe this isn’t what’s going on here. OP - you can judge that better than randoms on the internet - but it’s really worrying that your DH does not seem to care about your happiness and relationship with your family and won’t give ground over one weekend. You are lucky to still have both parents in their 70s - that he would deny you the chance to share a weekend with them and be involved in your life seems very cruel.

Dontbeme · 30/01/2024 11:17

I would feel so hurt by this OP, why is he okay with refusing to have anything to do with your parents while expecting you to entertain his every weekend you are staying in this holiday house? Why are your parents "less than" in his eyes.

I would book a weekend break for yourself and your parents and bring them sightseeing, find a nice B&B and enjoy yourselves. Your parents are in their 70's, how much time will you have with them and what will the quality of that time be like, if he objects tell he where to go (his mammy's house where outsiders are not allowed apparently).

I'm thinking the major attraction of the area is the Cliffs of Moher, if it is then you can do a day trip to the Aran Islands from Galway, on the way back the boat tours the Cliffs so you can bring them to experience the cliffs by land and sea. Enjoy.

DGPP · 30/01/2024 11:26

I wouldn’t put up with this horrible behaviour from him.

LusaBatoosa · 30/01/2024 13:30

Orestesa · 29/01/2024 23:34

I spoke to my husband about this again, and pushed him more on his actual reason.

I made the point again that it would be a one-off and my parents would love it. I also made the point, as pointed out on this thread, that they may not be up for travelling when they're older.

His reason was that he didn't want my parents meeting up with his parents. Which would probably happen, because his parents live about an hour away, and it would make sense for them all to meet for a meal for a couple of hours (with us there too).

He said that his parents have nothing in common with mine, and he wanted to keep our parents at a distance from each other. He said that if they are to meet, he wants it to be 'on his terms'.

The last time they met was at our wedding, and the first time they met was at a meal a few days before the wedding. Everyone was polite and civil. My parents are polite and friendly people. Maybe our parents don't have loads in common, but they can chat easily for a 2 hour meal. Plus we would both be there too.

This isn’t a reason, though. WHY is it a problem if your parents meet? WHY does it have to be on his terms? And what does that even mean?

It’s probably unfair if me, but I’m actually starting to get rather irritated with you, OP. You’re incredibly passive. It seems like you have no idea how to have a conversation or question anything, unless it’s spelled out for you by strangers on the internet. Why do you just accept everything that this man says to you?

Quitelikeit · 30/01/2024 14:39

He feels uncomfortable with the parents meeting.

That’s not the worst thing in the world but does suggest that he is possibly embarrassed about ops parents and wants to keep them apart or he is embarrassed about his own parents?

I guess the Op didn’t feel like she could press him further.

Some people do take time to process things and she might go back and ask him - he might not be as scary as we all think

or Op might be too afraid to push the subject again

Perhaps she has never had to do this before with him and it’s new territory for her

Triffid1 · 30/01/2024 15:05

Orestesa · 29/01/2024 23:34

I spoke to my husband about this again, and pushed him more on his actual reason.

I made the point again that it would be a one-off and my parents would love it. I also made the point, as pointed out on this thread, that they may not be up for travelling when they're older.

His reason was that he didn't want my parents meeting up with his parents. Which would probably happen, because his parents live about an hour away, and it would make sense for them all to meet for a meal for a couple of hours (with us there too).

He said that his parents have nothing in common with mine, and he wanted to keep our parents at a distance from each other. He said that if they are to meet, he wants it to be 'on his terms'.

The last time they met was at our wedding, and the first time they met was at a meal a few days before the wedding. Everyone was polite and civil. My parents are polite and friendly people. Maybe our parents don't have loads in common, but they can chat easily for a 2 hour meal. Plus we would both be there too.

There are made up reasons. Is this the only way in which he is weirdly controlling? Also, is this the only way in which he tries to keep your parents away because it's all so odd. The risk that his parents and your parents might meet is NOT a legitimate reason to refuse to agree to this. Partly because it's a) easily avoided b) a non issue.

I think he's just making shit up becuase either he doesn't like your parents, or he doesn't like that YOU like your parents.

3luckystars · 30/01/2024 15:14

What if you decide to have children?

He sounds really controlling and strange. Is it snobbery??

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/01/2024 15:17

There is something deeply concerning about his reasons @Orestesa.

I'd struggle to share a life with someone who acted this way.

Mylovelygreendress · 30/01/2024 15:21

Am I right in saying you are the poster whose husband told you that you are not to let your hair go gray ? And another thread where he criticised the trainers you wore to the airport ?
If so , there is a worrying pattern to his behaviour.

Edited to make more sense !

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 15:56

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 00:46

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with either my parents or PIL and DH feels the same. We have never been away with them and would rather not go on holiday than have to endure that.

Not everyone likes extended family to holiday with them. It is not something we’d consider under any circumstances.

I think you should respect DH wishes.

Well that's you. I only ever had a few days in London with my mum and my sisters and loved it. I wish my parents were here and I would happily holiday with them. Same as my adult children happily holiday with us.

Shame that you don't have family that you enjoy spending time with.

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 16:00

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 09:00

Holiday time, even extended holiday time including some work, is for me, my DH and DC.

It has never crossed my mind to go on holiday with parents, siblings or indeed any other family members. I would rather not go if that was the only option.

My life isn’t closely intertwined with parents or PIL so why on earth would I choose to spend holidays with them? It’s an invasion of privacy.

I realise others have different preferences and that’s fine but those who do should appreciate that not all feel the same. I can fully understand DH’s stance and think it is totally reasonable.

Show quote history

An "invasion of privacy" - that's just nuts!!!!!

I do not understand her DH's stance and it is totally and utterly unreasonable, as is yours!

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 16:17

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/01/2024 00:37

I'm with your husband. Going away and staying somewhere else is to get away from it all. Inviting your parents isn't that.

What about HIS parents? They're seeing them every weekend!!

Hont1986 · 30/01/2024 16:42

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 16:17

What about HIS parents? They're seeing them every weekend!!

Show quote history

Well, they live fairly locally, and it is their holiday home. So not quite the same.

Triffid1 · 30/01/2024 16:43

Hont1986 · 30/01/2024 16:42

Well, they live fairly locally, and it is their holiday home. So not quite the same.

Show quote history

Well, they're seeing his parents practically weekly so I'd say one weekend really shouldn't be THAT much of a hardship for this man.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 30/01/2024 16:52

seeing his parents every weekend = fine

her parents visiting for one weekend and staying in a B&B = not fine

Are the people on this thread who are in agreement with the DH surrendered wives or something? Good little girls who always obey wise hubby,

HopeThatHelps · 30/01/2024 16:56

Your husband is being rigid, strange and uncompromising.

And he does not own Ireland.

LadyEloise1 · 30/01/2024 17:39

"And he does not own Ireland"
Love it @HopeThatHelps 😂

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 17:59

Hont1986 · 30/01/2024 16:42

Well, they live fairly locally, and it is their holiday home. So not quite the same.

Show quote history

I don't see how that makes it different??

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 18:02

Is it the Giant's Causeway?

You could of course just chuck your H in the sea...

Snowdogsmitten · 30/01/2024 18:03

Nah, I still think your husband is a stupid dickhead.

Hont1986 · 30/01/2024 18:26

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2024 17:59

I don't see how that makes it different??

Show quote history

Because they can only enjoy the use of the holiday home thanks to his parents, so it's expected that get some face time with them while they are there. No such obligation with her parents.

theleafandnotthetree · 30/01/2024 19:27

Mylovelygreendress · 30/01/2024 15:21

Am I right in saying you are the poster whose husband told you that you are not to let your hair go gray ? And another thread where he criticised the trainers you wore to the airport ?
If so , there is a worrying pattern to his behaviour.

Edited to make more sense !

Edited

Looks to be one and same poster...if you're still here OP, I think you need to give serious thought to the balance of power in your relationship and to the very real possibility that he is a bit of a controlling prick, the patterns here are not really not good.