Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

[Orestesa]

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

I haven’t seen any other threads of the OP’s. But just imagine this man as a father …

Toddlers never allowed to see their other granny in their own home.

Primary school children never allowed to run rampage through the house with their friends.

OP terrified of joining the class parents’ WhatsApp group for fear of what he’ll do or say behind her back.

Imagine a teen daughter, constantly in tears because she’s committed some obscure crime like wearing a scrunchie, or walking into town with her friends.

It’s all horrifying - and access to a holiday home on the coast really doesn’t make up for the misery to come.

Your parents will be very welcome in Co. Clare and we don't take possession of any areas. The Father Ted episode with the whistle and picknick just isn't true😂Can anyone link it as it does sum up the situation. I can't from this phone. Father Ted Whistle, finds it

None of the reasons he's given make any sense. And he would call your dad to put him off???

I can only think there's something about his parents that's off and that's why he's desperate to prevent them meeting yours. They may have been on their best behaviour around the time of your wedding when they last met but perhaps they like to let rip in a colourful way when on home turf. Who knows!

I'd go ahead and organise the visit leaving him and his parents completely out of the equation. I'd just prewarn your mum and dad that he's being strange about having visitors over so you're keeping it to just you 3.

I haven't read any other threads OP but this really isn't nice behaviour from your husband.

I'd be tempted not to go to the holiday home again in fact I'd go to Ireland and stay elsewhere with my parents.

Are there big differences in education, class, values, wealth or age between your parents? That can cause people to feel anxious or embarrassed about mixing families. But generally both halves of the couple understand this and have a common policy. It seems odd if it’s something you’ve not discussed.

We don’t mix our parents which is partly practical (they live in different parts of the country) but they also don’t have very much in common, have led quite different lives and value different things. It’s just easier to keep them apart, although a two hour pub lunch would be fine. But we both understand this and would agree on the relative characteristics of each set of parents. We’ve holidayed with both, separately.

Hi @GhostOrchid , you ask:
Are there big differences in education, class, values, wealth or age between your parents?

I would say not really. The main difference is that my parents tend to be quite open about their lives (any problems they're going through, for example), whereas his are quite private about that kind of thing.

Even if there were big differences, they have been out for a meal before, before the wedding - and that was fine. So there should be no surprises. And even if they didn't get on at all, surely a 2-hour meal is no big deal, especially if we are both there too.

So OP - now that he’s given you the most convoluted, nonsensical explanation of why he wants to keep your parents at arm’s length, what are you going to do?
You’re in an abusive relationship (although I’m sure you know that deep down) and you sound so detached from it. It’s quite chilling actually.

Just to clarify, he does not just refuse to see my parents. I think some of you have got this impression.

He is happy to agree to a weekend away with my parents in a nice part of England. We and my parents would stay in a hotel.

As I mentioned in a previous post, he is happy to go and stay with them for a weekend.

He mentions these examples to support his argument that he's not being unreasonable.

I don't agree that these make up for his refusal to encourage them visiting this place in Ireland, because it would be a really nice adventure for them.

I recently bought my parents a book about good places to visit in UK & Ireland, and this place was in it.

OP so both sets of parents can be polite for a meal, nobody in the group is a giant embarrassment or likely to cause a punch up. So are you starting to see that this man is trying to damage your relationship with your parents by using nonsense excuses, he has walked out of social events with your friends, he has warned you that you cannot have grey hair as you get older, he has criticised your choice of footwear for the airport.

Taken in singular points you could reason away all these things, he might just be "joking" or having a bad day, he's tired or stressed and not up for hosting, but all combined together we are getting the impression of a particular type of man, one that chips slowly away at your family and friend relationships, undermines your confidence in how you look, the choices you make for yourself, bit by bit. Being honest, are you happy in this relationship, do you feel like a supported, best version of yourself?

I can’t believe you’re tolerating his behaviour. 😞

shoes and grey hair?

the man you’re describing sounds invested controlling.

Yeah, OP has several threads about her husband and his opinions.

Yep. Previous thread include judging the shoes she wore on a flight and telling her she can’t have grey hair when she’s older - what an absolute catch this bloke sounds.

Again, why do things only happen on HIS terms? And big of him to 'agree' to see them in England 🙄. Taking this and your other threads into account he sounds at best a knobhead and at worst a controlling prick who will wear you down to nothing. Frankly, considering the wierd vibe of passivity you give off, he seems to be well on his way to achieving that. Where's your anger? Your defence of your parents? I don't get him but I don't get you either!

Stop discussing it

Let your parents do what they want, and if they want to go to that place, they can

Just because he thinks he can give you instructions, doesn't mean he can do the same to them

@theleafandnotthetree , you say:

Frankly, considering the wierd vibe of passivity you give off, he seems to be well on his way to achieving that. Where's your anger? Your defence of your parents? I don't get him but I don't get you either!

Why do you think I'm being passive? Why do you think I'm not angry and don't defend my parents? What's your evidence?

Do you think I'm being passive because I'm still married to him? Do you say that to all women who come on here and are in difficult or abusive marriages, and ask for other options on their husband's point of view?

I think you might be getting distracted by the criticism of you, which I imagine must be hurtful and not particularly helpful.

However, maybe some posters are frustrated with this as it the behaviour is horrible and controlling and your responses don’t seem to reflect any recognition of that.

Any reasonable partner would want their other half to be part of a loving, supportive family and just ‘suck it up’ if their parents in law visited for a the odd weekend, if it would make their other half happy. What does it say about your husband and your marriage that this isn’t on his radar? He doesn’t seem to care very much about your happiness. Maybe you could ask him why this is the case?

I've seen this on too many threads. Chronically online MNers seem to feel personally offended that a thread OP hasn't delivered divorce papers within 3 days of them deciding that she needs to LTB over leaving dirty dishes on the counter/going to the gym every weekend/not wanting to meet up with PILs on holiday.

When you meet your parents in England what sort of things do you do? Fancy hotels with spas or Premier Inns or something between the two.

Clutching at straws here but does he think they'd look down on wherever you go (I'm guessing Port Rush/Port Stewart given you mentioned Giant's Causeway) and ruin his holiday/his childhood memories?

How do you get on with your inlaws? Is it worth asking them directly if they have any issues with either of your parents that he may be trying to deflect from.

Op, you owe us nothing and I'm sorry you are being attacked. But I would strongly recommend you think about this overall - you do come across as taking each incident as being completely separate and you don't ever seem to push back. If we're right and you are the same OP who has posted many many threads over a relatively short time, then this is a pattern and is very concerning.

Apologies OP, I don't mean to attack you or suggest you give him his marching papers because I think so. I just feel you are under-reacting somewhat to what seems to me - and most people on this thread - to be a strange and controlling attitude on the part of your husband. You seem to be looking at this one issue almost in isolation and are being so scrupulously fair minded towards your husband that you may have lost sight of how odd he is being. All this talk of discussions and understanding where he's coming from would be fine if this were two people with two different perspectives on a thing that were both within the realm of normal - like if, for example you wanted them to stay in the holiday home but he preferred them to stay in a B&B out of respect to his parents but was happy to spend loads of time with them. The only response of the vast majority of people to YOUR situation would be - don't be a moron, this is happening and if he pushed it, to get very angry and or question what kind of a prick they were married to. You have given no indication on the thread that you have done much of any of the above and I think that frustrates people. It's your life but you sound so lovely and fair minded, but perhaps in your particular relationship, this is to a fault.

Is he a bit "but what about me?!"

My initial reaction was different but in typing it out, I have been thinking that maybe there is another reason.

When you and he are there, its just you and him. His parents there? Just you him and them, and they dont need anything from you. Away with your parents? Just you, him and them and again they dont need anything from you.

But your parents over there, you will focus on them and not him, as they dont know the area and you do. Perhaps he has got a little bit too used to being the centre of your world, especially as you live a good way from your own family.

Just a thought.

OP looking at your other threads about your DH, it's clear there's something not right with him. His disappearance from the gathering you had with your friends was designed to humiliate you, his insistence your parents don't come to Ireland (and warning you he'll phone your dad to put him off coming) is weird and controlling, the comment about you not going grey when you're older, again, controlling. The comment about your footwear on the plane, again controlling.

None of this bodes well for a happy future together and if there are hopes and plans for children at some point, this will become so much worse than you could possibly imagine. Can you speak to a counsellor (on your own) about your relationship with him, just to help you get a perspective on what is going on here? It might also help to do some reading up on coercive control and other forms of emotional and psychological abuse. You know deep down things are not quite right: once you understand clearly what is going on you'll be better equipped to deal with it.

This is such an odd post.
He obviously seems embarrassed or hates your parents to stop them seeing his.
I'd be telling him that his attitude is hurtful and vile. Good god imagine you have kids and he forbids your parents seeing them because of some nonsense reason he imagines up. He's being controling and your letting him. I get huge red flags from this man and you seem blind to it.