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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

324 replies

Orestesa · 22/01/2024 00:20

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

OP posts:
VoleChomper · 24/01/2024 10:51

cockadoodledandy · 24/01/2024 09:58

She didn’t say they were with his parents, she said they were at their house. The wording suggested it was a holiday home (‘they have a house’, not ‘they live’).

Show quote history

She did. In a later post. But people only read opening posts it seems.

1mabon · 24/01/2024 11:04

Your husband is being very unreasonable and selfish

justdontknowwhat2doo · 24/01/2024 13:51

I suspect as one poster has already suggested that the DH runs the show and the OP happily & probably unaware of the dynamic.

Will be interesting if you stand your ground and insist on an explanation as to why your parents can't visit the area for one weekend, especially because you see his parents very frequently when you are in the area.

I think that will be very revealing as to where he sees your place in the marriage.

Alyss05 · 24/01/2024 14:13

Your husband is being weird and mean. My dad and all his side of the family are Irish and my mums side are Welsh/english. My dad and his family have always been more than welcoming to anyone and everyone coming to Ireland and staying over. We’ve been to my dad’s childhood holiday destination - Sligo a few times and he wanted to show everyone around. Even our Irish in-laws (my Irish aunt by-marriage’s family) invite us to events and for trips away together. My brother brought his girlfriend over for first time this Xmas and she was included in everything and invited now on our next extended family holiday with Irish in-laws.

overall his attitude stinks to high heaven and I’d sit him down and get it out of him exactly what’s got him so riled up. If he doesn’t come up with something legitimate, I would seriously be starting to get the ick…
These are your parents we’re talking about.

Charlie2121 · 24/01/2024 14:25

Alyss05 · 24/01/2024 14:13

Your husband is being weird and mean. My dad and all his side of the family are Irish and my mums side are Welsh/english. My dad and his family have always been more than welcoming to anyone and everyone coming to Ireland and staying over. We’ve been to my dad’s childhood holiday destination - Sligo a few times and he wanted to show everyone around. Even our Irish in-laws (my Irish aunt by-marriage’s family) invite us to events and for trips away together. My brother brought his girlfriend over for first time this Xmas and she was included in everything and invited now on our next extended family holiday with Irish in-laws.

overall his attitude stinks to high heaven and I’d sit him down and get it out of him exactly what’s got him so riled up. If he doesn’t come up with something legitimate, I would seriously be starting to get the ick…
These are your parents we’re talking about.

Not everyone has a family dynamic that is anywhere near like what you describe. Not even close.

Eskimal · 25/01/2024 15:07

Your husband doesn’t sound very “Irish” to me. Is he the Michael O’Leary of Husbands?

Original poster
Orestesa · 29/01/2024 23:34

I spoke to my husband about this again, and pushed him more on his actual reason.

I made the point again that it would be a one-off and my parents would love it. I also made the point, as pointed out on this thread, that they may not be up for travelling when they're older.

His reason was that he didn't want my parents meeting up with his parents. Which would probably happen, because his parents live about an hour away, and it would make sense for them all to meet for a meal for a couple of hours (with us there too).

He said that his parents have nothing in common with mine, and he wanted to keep our parents at a distance from each other. He said that if they are to meet, he wants it to be 'on his terms'.

The last time they met was at our wedding, and the first time they met was at a meal a few days before the wedding. Everyone was polite and civil. My parents are polite and friendly people. Maybe our parents don't have loads in common, but they can chat easily for a 2 hour meal. Plus we would both be there too.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 29/01/2024 23:39

Your parents have only met twice in what I'm guessing (based on their age) is about 20 years of your marriage?! Clearly neither set is that bothered about spending time together, I doubt they'd suggest it. It's still very odd. Does he have a strained relationship with any of them?

Agapornis · 29/01/2024 23:41

Also, I'd get him to illustrate exactly what 'on his terms' looks like. At their funerals?

TheOriginalFrench · 29/01/2024 23:48

I’m not sure your husband understands what a marriage is - or can be at its best.

Just think of all the glorious times you could have had if the two families had come together more often.

It seems quite sad.

(And he sounds quite spectacularly selfish and wrong. Is this what you signed up for?)

theleafandnotthetree · 29/01/2024 23:49

Thanks for updating OP. This really is very strange, if jt's the actual reason (he just sounds so fucking odd about the whole thing, who knows?). It genuinely doesn't sound as if there's anything about either sets of parents that's particularly difficult or embarrassing but even if there were, surely he could suck it up for one weekend even if if were just to make you happy. I'm not liking the sound of him.at all. What do you make of if yourself OP, is this out of character?

Original poster
Orestesa · 30/01/2024 00:01

Agapornis · 29/01/2024 23:39

Your parents have only met twice in what I'm guessing (based on their age) is about 20 years of your marriage?! Clearly neither set is that bothered about spending time together, I doubt they'd suggest it. It's still very odd. Does he have a strained relationship with any of them?

No we haven't been married that long! I'm in my mid 30s. We married a couple of years ago. My parents are early 70s.

OP posts:
Darkofnight · 30/01/2024 00:22

Can you talk to him again and find out what exactly is the problem with your parents meeting?
Unless he's very odd indeed there's going to be a reason. You need to know what it is.

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/01/2024 00:37

I'm with your husband. Going away and staying somewhere else is to get away from it all. Inviting your parents isn't that.

Kwam31 · 30/01/2024 00:41

His reason is very odd, is there some huge problem with either set of parents? alcoholics? stuck up?
I've not a lot in common with DDs in laws but we have meals together and it's perfectly fine.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 30/01/2024 00:41

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/01/2024 00:37

I'm with your husband. Going away and staying somewhere else is to get away from it all. Inviting your parents isn't that.

and what about his parents spending every weekend of that time away with them?

TheGreatGherkin · 30/01/2024 00:43

Is there any possibility that your DH is embarrassed somehow by your parents? Does he see them as not quite as sophisticated as his own parents eg the having nothing in common comments?

ConciseQueen · 30/01/2024 00:49

This thread is really sad.

Just invite them to the actual holiday cottage. Like nice people would. Include them and have fun with them.

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/01/2024 00:49

@EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight I didn't see the update until after I had replied. I would not be happy with them being there either.

TheOriginalFrench · 30/01/2024 05:07

It is generally best to read and comprehend the whole thread (and at the very least, all the OP’s posts) before posting a response.

Olika · 30/01/2024 06:43

I find it weird your DH doesn't want your parents to meet. I would want to have further conversations on this.

TheOriginalFrench · 30/01/2024 07:10

What further conversation could be necessary? They’ve been married for two years (and presumably in a relationship before that). The OP’s husband has made it abundantly clear that he and his family are the primary people in the marriage - the OP doesn’t count as a full human being, merely as a completely isolated adjunct to him.

TheOriginalFrench · 30/01/2024 07:25

I have known men like this. They thrive in situations / relationships where there is a severe imbalance in power. I have stayed in the holiday homes, enjoyed all the benefits of a borrowed lifestyle. I never quite persuaded myself that what I wanted didn’t matter - but it was a close run thing.

@Orestesa - you’re young. I can tell you, absolutely definitely, that if you stay with this man you will find yourself, 30 years hence, lying awake at night wondering why you let him spoil what should have been your one beautiful life.

Darkofnight · 30/01/2024 07:37

No you can't @TheOriginalFrench, don't be mad. You don't know why he doesn't want them meeting. It may not be a power thing - it might, but you don't know for sure. More information is needed.
You do need to get that information OP, fairly fast too.

OhmygodDont · 30/01/2024 08:23

We keep my parents and in-laws apart. Though they can all smile and be police it’s like two very very different worlds colliding. There’s always a thing after too. One mother will spend days maybe weeks moaning about how the other is a this or that and how this or that was so rude with a style of I know we are not their kinda people But…..

its not worth the after calls basically. Maybe his parents really don’t like yours and have said to him they don’t want to be friends but will be social and civil in needed situations which a weekend holiday isn’t and although you say stay in a b&b would they really never step foot in the in-laws house.

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