Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

[Orestesa]

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

You have to be joking - where's the respect coming from him!

Just had a horrible feeling it might be in Co. Clare. Loads of holiday homes in Lahinch. A guy told one of ours off when they were 5 for making too much noise and running around on the beach, obviously spoiling childhood memories for him. Was this your husband OP?

No rowdy 5 year olds on the beaches of Lahinch please. It upsets the adult offspring of holiday home owners. I hope you taught your child how to sit quietly on the beach conversing in muted tones.

Honesty that is a weird one.

The only thing I can think of he is afraid that his parents will invite them to come and stay regularly when you are out there or that your parents will like the area and what to come and stay with you regularly.

He is involved/was involved in some scandal in the town growing up and people are too polite to mention it to you but he is afraid they will tell his inlaws.

i grew up in and have a childhood place

its called london-so noone go there please because its mine

We have been on holiday with both sets of parents (separately) before. 0/10 would not recommend.

Presumably your husband may not have the same opinion of your parents as you do (and why should he, his relationship with them has a very different dynamic) and he wants to go and actually relax.

Are your parents perhaps particularly needy and dependent?

Your husband sounds like a dickhead.

Even if that were the case seeing as OP spends every weekend when at the holiday home with his parents, presumably as an adult he could suck it up for just one weekend?

Or are his parents more important?

I don't get on with my ILs but I don't think it would really matter in this scenario.

I'd leave them & husband to it & join in/visit at the B&B if & when I wanted to.

think in this case he is being a bit meh. there is nothing wrong woth staying at a b and b and meeting up. however I think you need to have a serous discussion with him and his treatment here. unless you are going to tell us a huge back story
with regards to people's suggestions that mother in law to let them stay in her holiday home I wouldn't though. I am lucky that my in laws have a holiday home neat the beach however rules are very strict its only my husband and his siblings plus mother in law are allowed to stay. on a very very rare occasion my mother in law will allow anyone else stay but as siad it's very rare. this has been in the family nearly 50 years and before my father in law died he was very generous and wouldn't say no to anyone requesting stay there hence it was always some one staying there (for free might add) and it wasn't left in the best of conditions. we often meet friends down there but they make their own accomodation arrangements

This would very much turn me off my husband if he thought so little of my parents. Not sure I'd be able to continue with him. Family must come first and your husband has made it quite clear, he doesn't consider himself family.

When we are at the holiday house, his parents visit every weekend (their permanent home is an hour away) - which is nice and I encourage it, because it's good to see them.

Deal breaker. His rationale stinks, probably because he has no good reason just cba. Is he disrepectful and dismissive about other things you want? Does he every compromise? He sounds selfish and awful.

Is he Irish? Does he have family / friends there?
nice as your parents are to him could there be a chance they come across as condescending / anti-Irish / look down on Irish / snobby towards Irish / think themselves superior
i'm Irish and kbo a lot of people who are nice to me personally but have never been to Ireland and speak about it in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I would discourage them to come to where I'm from and be embarassed because they would be thought of as condescending and act superior (maybe unconsciously)

the reality is that some English people have no understanding of their history with Ireland and they are hated still in lots of places there when they are not respectful of that history.

If he dosent want then there then he tells them to their face not you .

Except it's holiday (some of the time) with his parents...

Two options: your parents book somewhere close (he doesn't own the area), you meet them and he stays away (you'll have to be honest as to why)

You go away with them somewhere else and leave him behind

He's horrible

It is your DH’s holiday and also his parents holiday home. He does have a right to decide who he does and doesn’t spend his time with there. You are free to organise a trip yourself with your parents to Ireland OP, so why not do that at another time?
your post suggests that there is an underlying reason for all this. Are your parents outspoken with their opinions? I only ask this because my inlaws are- if they don’t like something you quickly know about it, they don’t have the emotional intelligence to consider that slagging off something I love might upset me and taint it for me. Could this be the case with your DH and doesn’t want to share his holiday home/ village with your parents for a similar reason? That place must be very important to him if it’s a special place for his family.

It is your DH’s holiday and also his parents holiday home. He does have a right to decide who he does and doesn’t spend his time with there.

At least read the post, @Ladybirder

It's not a holiday and at no point does the OP suggest her parent stay in her in laws' holiday home.

It's right there in the third paragraph of her opening post.

'I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well.'

HTH

Are you going this time for an extended period or will your parents' stay eat up a fair chunk of a short break? If the latter, and he wants to rest, then maybe I can see it, but it's still pretty selfish if he gets to spend a lot of time there and they have never been.
Unless there is history and the in-laws don't like your parents and don't want to set a precedent or something?
Most likely your DH is just being an arse!

OP I really really hope you don't allow his frankly appalling attitude to interfere with your plan with your parents because a) it would be rewarding his attitude and giving in to his nonsense and b) hurtful and/or impossible to explain to your parents without major fallout and c) the resentment you would inevitably feel would eat away at you and your relationship. There are 'moments' and turning points in relationships and this feels like one. If he is generally a decent sort and is being a bit of an arse about this but doesn't grumble too much about it WHEN it happens, then it may be something you can live with even if you are disappointed in him. But that is the minimum I'd be expecting. If he doubles down or tries to prevent this in some way - either actively or through passive aggressive bullshit, I would be asking myself what kind of a selfish dickhead I was married to..

My concern would be that this would then become a thing where they came along regularly. But only you and him know if this is a possibility.

We or I made the mistake of inviting the in-laws along to visit us somewhere on holiday and then every year since they have suddenly booked for while we are there to the extent I’ve refused to book that location this year. So I end up feeling I’ve not had a holiday while they swan in for the last part of the holiday every year leaving me feeling like I need a break when it had been our only holiday of the year.

Even in your 'worst case scenario', would it be the end of the world if the OPs parents spent one weekend of the year in the same region where the OP and her husband spend weeks and weeks on end - and where they see the husbands parents EVERY weekend? It might be mildly annoying but if enjoyable for the OP and her parents, not something to get ones knickers in a twist about. And with her parents already in their 70s, realistically the trips would be unlikely to go on for years and years anyway.

He’s acting like a grumpy gobshite, tell him knickers and have a good time with your parents.

Yes he is Irish. My parents have a big amount of respect - and rightly so - for the country! They are sensitive to the political sensitivities. So I don't think that's an issue.

He's being very childish and mean.
No idea why based on your replies.
I'm trying to think maybe he's stolen something large and predominant from your parents and displays it at his parents holiday home....but you'd have twigged so it can't be that....

My next thought is that he obviously barely tolerates your parents and only now are you seeing his borderline hatred of them?