Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

[Orestesa]

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

Hmm. You say that you go there for long periods of time and work from the holiday home. So is the weekend the time you get to yourselves, and the time that actually feels like a holiday?

I never said they were grasping. I just can't imagine year on year the OP being happy for them to rent a B&B down the road and it doesn't turn into them being offered to stay in his parents' house.
And they will get to see their daughter, she can go and stay with them as others have pointed out.
They are only 70. They don't need hand holding.

But why on earth would they go and stay in another part of the country? That’s just bizarre.

I'd arrange with his parents to go a few days early and meet them without him. But it's a sign he's not willing to compromise for you.

That's an odd reaction by him @Orestesa.
I also found it odd that you would want them to stay in a B&B when they come over for the weekend instead of with you in the holiday home.
It's only for a weekend.
Does it not have 2 bedrooms?
Are his parents amenable to your parents staying for a weekend in their holiday home ?
Do you live in Ireland or travel over to the holiday home ?

Curious to know how long you’ve been married, @Orestesa.

Are you in the early few years? Maybe you’ve never argued because you always bend to your husband’s will and you’ve only just noticed that your preferences have been erased?

Presumably if you’ve been married for decades you would not be ‘baffled’ by your husband’s behaviour.

It is exceeding strange that he thinks he has dominion over the whole coastal area …

He is very unreasonable in that case.

Did he give any explanation?

If her parents are able to book a B&B in another part if Ireland, I’m sure they can do that close to the hol cottage though…
At no point did the OP say her parents were expecting her to organise everything either.

But more to the point, they are coming to see their daughter. Yes it’s a nice area. And yes the landmarks mean ‘there are things to do together easily’ but I bet this is not the main attraction.

Her dh doesn’t own the whole place. He can’t tell anyone, let alone the OP parents, where they can and can’t go on hols.

1- it’s not a holiday
2- no one has asked him to ‘babysit’. I’m sure both the OP and her parents would be delighted to spend the weekend together wo him. He might need to remember they dint need him to go round said ‘landmarks’

Your husband sounds like a dick.

If you go often and this is one time, I don't see the problem. It's not like you are asking for them to join all the time. Sounds like a lovely suggestion. He sounds like a selfish miserable prick.

Have you had children? He sounds like a dictator and he can’t tell you or your parents not to spend time together near his family holiday cottage.

I can understand his attitude regarding holidaying together but my husband does it every year in the same holiday cottage with my extended family because he knows it’s important to me.

Your husband sounds like a selfish want everything my own way on my own terms kind of guy. Just wondered what he’s like as a father if he is one.

He's being a weirdo. Probably because he knows he should at least invite your parents to stay with you if they are coming over - his parents will be embarrassed that he has your parents staying in a B&B. Not very welcoming!

Of course they can book on without the permission of the husband and of course OP can take the time to be with them without permission. But that doesn't negate the issue that the OP has just found out that her husband is a complete selfish dick. Who says their partner shouldn't have a weekend with their elderly parents visiting places and catching up because they have never been to the place before. What reasonable partner objects to this. All the rationale and excuses posted explaining why it might be a reasonable position are just BS. If your partner has a good relationship with their parents then you objecting to them spending a couple of days with them is selfish and controlling.

Unless there's a valid reason for him to dislike your parents then I think he's being very unreasonable. How unkind! It's one weekend of his life yet would be a truly memorable experience for them.
My DH really values family and treats my parents with great kindness. We've often been away with them (and his family). This would really put me off my husband if he treated my oarevts in such a way.

Is he controlling in other aspects of your shared life together?
Do you like him as a person? He doesn't sound very nice, I say this as it's a very extreme reaction.

Mean petty little man.

Tell him if they want to come to Ireland they are coming and you will be spending time with them and he can get to fuck.

You're going to be there for weeks, you're not on holiday, your parents will be staying elsewhere but nearby for a weekend, and you only intend to take them out for one day? He's very unreasonable to object to that.

Fortunately he's isn't your boss, or theirs. They don't need his permission to go on holiday anywhere they want, and you don't need his permission to meet them for a day.

Hopefully he understands that when he reaches 70, according to his logic he won't need to go anywhere he hasn't been before.

Dh often invites MIL along to things and it annoys me. I don't really like hosting or having to sort an extra person out (and her bloody dog). So I think I would feel the same way as your dh - that this would be our time away and I wouldn't want to be hosting the ILs, even for a weekend. In our case, it often bleeds into being much longer. Oh, actually they managed to get a week off. Oh and we have a spare room. Last time we went on holiday, BIL/SIL came for a visit, parked their bloody campervan in the drive of the holiday cottage and stayed for the rest of the holiday. 🙄

I think on a theoretical level, saying they can come and you will show them around and dh can do what he wants, makes sense, but practically speaking, it doesn't work like that. If you're a couple, you're expected to host together otherwise it's rude. I mean, I think it of course would be kind of him to agree, but I can completely understand why he would be reluctant to. After the past few ILs are 'just stopping by' and having them way overstay, I'm quite worn down by it, and if your dh feels anything like me, I can see why he would feel that way.

Could you book the cottage for a weekend another time and take your parents and all stay together while dh stays home? That way it doesn't take time away from your summer together.

He's being mean and controlling. Can understand not wanting to have inlaws around all the time but it's just one weekend.

Is he always selfish?

Seriously, why would someone get married and then object to the fact their spouse has an original family that they still love and enjoy spending time with?

It seems extraordinary. Surely most sensible normal grown-up people make an effort to get on with their in-laws and don’t try to prevent their partner from spending a reasonable and comfortable amount of time with their own parents.

Has the OP omitted to say that at home she spends 6 days out of 7 with her parents and the only time her husband gets away from them is at this holiday cottage. Because otherwise … 🤷🏽‍♀️

You DH sounds like a complete dick. I’d completely understand his reaction if this was a very rare romantic holiday for you two, but as a regular trip you do, it seems a lovely idea to have your parents come visit for a weekend.

He is being very spiteful. Does he act like this if you go out to see other people you love?

He doesn’t own your time or your life and it’s nothing to do with him if you go out and see your parents whilst you are in Ireland. Tell him to stay in the holidays home if that’s how he feels!

Marriage is about compromise.

your suggestion is a nice thing and totally reasonable…

unless they is back story where your DH dislikes your parents and they have been vile to him.
OR your parents demand 24/7 entertainment and are hard work in general.

for example if my DH suggested my mil came we KNOW if we suggested a weekend

• she’d announce she’d already booked non fundable flights arriving Thursday 10am and leaving Tuesday 9pm or similar without discussion
• we would be expected to find and book accommodation which she may or may not reimburse us for 🥴
• she’d want picking up and dropping off from the airport…
• she’d expect to be “hosted” for the duration
• we would need to pay for meals
• she’d expect every. waking. moment. to be spent with us.

i actually STILL might agree to it because i love him but i would want to discuss in advance.

if it was his DB or anyone else 😅 I’d just say yes that’s cool and we’d have a nice weekend and some fun.

Your DH is being miserable and I’d go ahead with my plans and position it as quality parent time and let him have a quiet weekend (bar a dinner or something… he should show his face)

That’s a weirdly hostile reaction if they get along, yes.
Why don’t you just ask him what his problem is?

OP - have you posted about him having issues with your parents spending time with you before? This feels familiar. Although sadly, that might also just be because of how often women come on MN to say how their DH makes it hard for them to maintain relationships with their parents.

I can't think of a single reason why your suggestion wouldn't work. You could spend time together - he wouldn't even need to join you for all your sight seeing moments - but still have your own space.