Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

Wow he sounds absolutely vile. What are you with him?

Well he can fuck off, can't he? What an absolute knob head. Your body. Your choice.

LTB.

Seriously, this definitely comes under abuse. You should not be scared of your husband.

He’s not vile - he just can’t seem to understand my perspective on this at all. I think perhaps he doesn’t understand female biology.

Man here - this is abuse and no self respecting man would treat their partner this way.
These kind of people don’t change either (despite promising to) so you’ll either need to put up with it or get out.

Having sex without real consent is what you think it is, a violation and verging on rape. Sounds like it could get to rape.

Had DC yet?

Bet a pound the abuse ramps up if you get pregnant.

He understands just fine, he doesn't care.

He isn’t abusive over this. I’m not afraid of being forced into sex! I’m just afraid of the sulking.

Jesus Christ this is terrible OP! This is coerced sex. Please ring Women's Aid and get help getting out from this!

The sulking is part of the coercion

We have children. Before them I was on hormonal birth control so I didn’t have the same fluctuations.

He's angry. That is vile. He doesn't own your body.

It is fucking abuse whether you want to admit to yourself or not

I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

You don't think he is vile?? If this was your daughter or mother saying this would you think that's okay?

I'm sorry

The fact that he sulks and gets angry if you won’t have sex with him is abusive. “He doesn’t understand female biology” isn’t an excuse. Even if he really is that thick not to understand it, a decent, non-abusive man would accept when his partner doesn’t want to have sex and not use it as a bargaining chip for when he’s been “nice”.

Sex is not transactional. He sounds like a toddler with a sex reward chart

But he is being abusive. Making you feel bad and shouting at you because you don't want sex is emotional abuse and coercive control. The purpose is to wear you down until you agree for a quiet life and have sex you don't want.
Abuse isn't just hitting and raping. That's just the easy stuff to spot.

I feel a bit sick reading this.

So you should have sex with him as a reward for him if he's nice?

He is vile, he is abusive and he's coercing you into sex you don't want. I know that's hard to accept but it's the truth.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

These are your own words OP

My DH never makes me feel afraid
He does not demand sex or sulk
Most decent humans would not want to have sec with someone who wasn't having a great time

Ok, thanks. He’s not angry every time I say no. He’s often fine with it (though there have been a couple of times he has been very angry when he says I led him to think we would have sex, and the we didn’t).

It’s just that he doesn’t understand why I only feel like sex at some times of the month. I thought this was just biology. He thinks I should feel like sex at other times because of how he behaves.

Going into a strop because you're too sore to want sex is abuse.

He shouldn't be angry even once? What was your parents relationship like? I'm worried about you

Yes, so I don’t do this anymore. I did in the past but it really didn’t work for me, it felt horrible. He didn’t force me, though, I just decided I “should”. Now I just say “no”.

But what’s the solution then? How do I get him to understand that women’s sex drives DO depend on hormones and ovulation etc, and not on - I don’t know - whether he’s bought me flowers or put a nice shirt on?