Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

Using the word rapey is awful. It's like a softened version or friendly term.

Rape is the word. It shouldn't be changed.

Only you can decide what to do in this situation. But he is abusing you - you must know that? I think you will stay with him and put up with this. You need to imagine it was your daughter and how you would feel if she was in this type of relationship. What advice would you give her? I know it's hard but sometimes the pain of going through a break up will give you a much better life in time - it could take a while for you to sort this out but it would be worth thinking about it imo. Good luck you deserve so much more.

Yeah I find that phrase really, really uncomfortable to read too. Makes me wince every time I see it.

Are there any other men on here than can comment? As a woman, i agree with what everyone else is saying.

However, a lot of men can be like this, i'd like to know why they feel so entitled and why can't they get it in their heads that it's not a rejection, it's the woman's hormones ffs.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

What will happen around menopause? He must be very thick not to have some understanding of women's cycles.

I am sure you must know deep down that this is not normal behaviour in a relationship.

He must be very thick not to have some understanding of women's cycles.

It's not that he doesn't understand. He doesn't want to accept that the OP amy have feelings and experiences that are inconvenient to him.

Unfortunately I don't think you fully comprehend how disgusting his behaviour is.

If my DH dared to be angry about when I was or wasn't in the mood, he'd soon find me never in the mood.

Get some better boundaries and the tools to enforce them.

Being afraid of his reaction is very telling.

Who'd want to fuck someone constantly sulking anyway?

Your husband is vile and abusive. Get rid

I thought your OP was bad, then I got to this. You do realise how absolutely horrific this is, don't you?

Op I've just read your latest update where you spoke to him about this, and it made me shudder. He just wants complete control over you doesn't he? He calls it 'influence' but I would say control is more fitting.

He doesn't see you (or women generally I would argue) as equal, whole people in their own right. Whether he is aware / conscious of it or not, he has some very dangerous beliefs about women and I would urge you to speak to womens aid about your relationship dynamic more, it certainly does sound abusive.

@BirthdayRainbow rapey describes a continuum of behaviours that exist within the rape culture. Can you think of a better term?

Predatory

how are you doing @EllenPooleSearch? You can come back and talk to us and we'll discuss with you without judgement. It sounds like you may not have talked with anyone about this in real life, because if my friend told me her husband was doing this I'd be concerned for her.

I understand where he is coming from, albeit his approach isn’t the most pragmatic.

How would you react if in those two weeks he wasn’t in the mood? Does this ever happen? Is there a way of balancing this out?

From a husbands perspective it can become very much “sex on her terms” and if he stops doing it when you want there’s a danger things dry up all together.

I totally get you. Much better for her to have sex when she doesn’t fancy him, and just go through the motions. That won’t kill it dead in the water, no way.

If DH was wrestling with mood killing health issues a couple of weeks a month, of course I’d leave the poor man alone. I’d far prefer sex when he’s really enthusiastic that when he’s just going through the motions. Same way if he was mourning or depressed or working nights so thoroughly knackered.

It’s totally normal to have your libido driven, at least in part, by your hormones. I don’t want sex (nothing works for me) at certain times in my cycle. My DP knows this and never pushes, we’ve even started having sex (foreplay) because I thought I might fancy it only for me to say no thanks part way through as actually it’s not working for me. DP is a nice and respectful dude and is kind and understanding about this, he’ll give mea hug instead or suggest getting me a coffee so we can snuggle. That is what should be normal. Your H is being at the minimum a mighty twatwaffle but it certainly sounds coercive also.

@Manvice

Did you read the whole thread ?
Did you even read all of the Op's posts ?!!!

and why did you decide to reply on this thread which was started in Jan ...

I'm a man but I'm not sure how my, or any other man's, opinion is necessary to add any validation to what's already been said by the overwhelming majority of posters. It's not about men's views versus women's views. It's about the views of people who understand consent, respect and reasonableness versus those who don't. Anybody who thinks the behaviour OP has described is anything other than coercion, sexual abuse and rape is beyond reasoning with. Whether it's hormones or something else, the OP shouldn't have to justify why she's not in the mood. Frankly, I'm surprised she can bear to live under the same roof as him, far less share a bed, but I understand the complexities of victim psychology.

Sadly, there are too many men who feel a sense of entitlement over women and their bodies. I think it's social conditioning from a very early age with sexual success being inextricably linked to the male ego. I know, when I look back on my childhood, I was exposed to objectification of women and other misogynistic attitudes as far back as I can remember, and especially so in the teenage years. I never had any truck with it, probably down to having a very strong mother and two equally strong older sisters who made sure I understood what acceptable behaviour was. I guess other boys were not so lucky and grew up to be like the OP's husband. Unfortunately, men like that are not some tiny minority, otherwise the statistics for male abuse and violence against women and girls would not be so depressingly high.

Sometimes I have sex with my husband when I'm not in the mood because I can tell he is in the mood and I want to make him happy. Sometimes he has sex with me when he's not in the mood because it makes me happy. I'm pretty sure oral sex was designed to navigate this kind of thing. Saying that - if I said no he wouldn't ever get angry with me and vice versa.

Sorry, didn't realise this was a zombie thread.

There are also women who want sex on their terms and expect constant sex when it’s their week of the month. It’s about communication. The DH is unreasonable and childish but the issue is there in many relationships and needs dealing with more maturely than either party always expecting their own way.

This thread is about this woman, so your point in irrelevant.