Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

To answer those asking about my parents - I grew up with just my (single) mother.

(So I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like!)

Okay I wonder if you have not had a good model of a relationship to understand what one is? One where there is mutual respect? I can't really believe that you don't see this as being abusive to be honest.

He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent!”

So just forget the times I carried out marital rape and coercive abuse - seriously as a PP said if you spoke to a police officer abc told them this your husband would be sitting in a cell right now

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

He sounds nasty, ignorant and abusive.

He IS abusive.

He may not be violent but he is sulking, which is still displaying anger. The same way a toddler does.

If you feel that you have to do something that you don't want to, you're being forced (coerced.)

Put it like this: if you told a toddler that he couldn't have a sweetie, would you give it to him because he sulked? If you rewarded the sulking there would be a lot more of it as the toddler will have identified a way to force stuff out of you - but you know this.

If your head feels messed up by this, find someone to talk to. Sex is not an entitlement and his behaviour is actually making you less likely to want to engage with it as sex is emotional more than hormonal. This is something DH needs to get but he's messing with your head and that is a space you need to get straight for you. Then you'll be more confident in your boundaries.

Failing that, if he doesn't like it, he can lump it!

I should clarify - I don’t think he wants me to have sex when I don’t want it. I think he wants me to want it, and is baffled that I don’t other than when my libido is high.

He doesn’t need to understand female biology. He needs to understand that he will only get sex when BOTH of you want it, regardless of whether there’s a pattern.

He wants credit for all the times he didn't rape you. All the times that he accepted no. I think you need help @EllenPooleSearch from a domestic abuse charity. I think you have been living in this relationship so long you aren't seeing it for what it is. Your husband has raped you and will rape you again.

But his actions aren't that are they? He had sex with you when you didn't want it.

THAT. IS. RAPE.

Classic gaslighting.

Would asking a toddler to like spinach make him enjoy eating it.

You don't want what ypu don't want.

Tell him that you want him to only want sex when you want it. He wpuld retort that you were trying to control his emotions and he would be right. That's what he's doing to you.

This behaviour IS vile and the fact that you can't see that is worrying. You're frightened of his reaction when you tell him you don't want sex?

That's absolutely vile behaviour. And a MASSIVE red flag.

He didn’t really know I didn’t want it though.

and the time he didn’t stop - he didn’t hear (too caught up in his own pleasure).

I would have no time for a man who shows complete lack of self control and sensitivity. What fun would it be if you just gave in even though you did not want sex? Decent men would not like that, they'd be prepared to wait until desire was mutual. There's nothing loving about forced sex.

As for your hormones and cycles, women vary and there are no rules about it all. You're an individual and your husband must respect that.

Tell him to find something else to occupy him.

I don't believe that for a second. Do you think that argument would stand up in court?

You shouldn’t be upset cos it’s just how he feels. Great, honesty.

You can tell him how you feel when you see you are married to someone who doesn’t care how sick you feel, he just wants sex. Who doesn’t care that you asked him to stop, he was too caught up. Who knows his anger has scared you in the past, but thinks you should just get over it.

Honesty, remember.

OP he has lost your trust because of abusive behaviour in the past. That’s hard to get over. Instead of attempting to win your trust back by earning it, he’s pressuring you to perform so he feels wanted. What an insecure wanker he is.

Tell him if he has so much trouble with his hormones that he can’t manage two weeks without sex and loses his temper then he needs to see the doctor. Seriously. He obviously has major hormonal problems that need addressing. I bet there’s a medication for that.

Shouting at someone you are supposed to love because they don’t want to have sex with you is vile and it really can’t be dressed up as anything else.

It's so sad how you are defending him.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

I am trying to see it his way. But I am comforted to know other women would feel like I do about it, and be upset. After what he said I felt like a freak of nature.

I need to talk to him again properly and find a way forward.

Your husband is a rapist. I’m blunt. I need to be. You aren’t getting it OP.

Everyone on here is TELLING you, you are married to an abuser. You are enabling him, making excuses and putting everything on you to educate him.

You are asking how he can understand. He does understand. And he will carry on coercing you, raping you because you have not got boundaries there.

Let’s be clear he raped you. Any man who is having sex should be ensuring at all times that the sexual partner is still consenting, enjoying, and communicating and taking care of them - that what you do during sex. You don’t just bang away whilst your partner is crying as they are hurt. When my partner doesn’t want sex or isn’t interested I don’t straddle him naked to get him in he mood I run him a bath and make him a cuppa.

As for biology - if he wanted to try a tens machine on a low setting on his abdomen so he can see what he feels like and empathise he would, he’s an adult.

He is abusive and conditioning you to think you have a voice and you don’t.

this man wouldn’t last another minute in my house.

Tell him about enthusiastic consent. That will blow his mind.

Why can’t he understand that being attractive to a woman isn’t about a nice shirt or taking her a glass of wine. It’s about being respectful an appreciative ALL the time, not just when you want something.

Jeez. Tell us about your kids? Sons and daughters learning bad attitudes to male sexual entitlement and women’s obligation to make men feel good by putting out.

This!

He thinks you should excuse him raping you because he's managed not to rape you lots of times?

Just sexually coerced you using guilt.

He IS vile. It's really scary you don't see that.

I would guess that he is abusive in other ways too.

Ask him if he's really saying that he wants you to have sex when you don't want to, and then ask him what you call a man who has sex with women who don't want to have sex with them.

And whatever his answer is, you should end the relationship. You're married to a man who enjoys sex with unwilling women.

Can you imagine enjoying sex with someone when you know they don't really want to be having sex with you? No, because you're not a fucking sex offender.

You need to do the freedom programme or have some counselling I think, it could explain to you the reaction you've had on here.

If you have children, if they come to you as teens or adults and say their partner is pressuring them for sex then you are currently not in the right headspace to adequately support them to minimise the risk of them being sexually assaulted or raped, because you don't seem to understand consent.

Is counselling or the freedom programme something you'd consider?

He raped you and continues to coercively abuse you and you keep making excuses for him!!!!!!

Please read what everyone is saying. Hes an abusive rapist - trying to make him see your perspective is a waste of time because he doesn’t give a shit