Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

@Deathbyfluffy best ever use of ‘man here,…’.

Seriously OP, being afraid to say no to sex because of is anger means he is abusive. He is sulking and using fear to get what he wants.

He is a petulant bully.

You're really trying hard not to accept he's abusive but he really is. Doesn't matter if it's not all the time. Once is too many.

If he has to experience something himself to understand it a) he never would have finished school and b) he is so lacking in empathy that you really need to be well away from him.

Alternatively, he is choosing to make out he doesn't understand "female biology" so he can keep coercing you and making you feel guilty for not having sex whenever he wants.

Whichever of these is true, it's a bad situation to be in.

First off medically 2 out of 4 weeks you are bleeding and have cramps and pain - no that isn’t normal abd I would get that checked out

that said your husbands response is awful vile and sex isn’t a reward, should never be forced and he shouldn’t sulk

He is abusive, unfortunately you are not seeing it.

Saying you should have sex when you don't want to is abusive.

Saying to ignore your needs for your body is abusive.

Shouting at you because you said no is abusive.

Saying you should have sex because of his good behaviour is abusive. Sex is not currency. This is coercion.

I am sorry but please read up on this as you need to be enlightened to help you navigate this.

Oh no, sorry - I’m not bleeding for 2 weeks. Usually I bleed for one week and the week before that I have PMT. I’m in my 40s and it’s definitely got worse over the last few years. GP says it’s all normal though.

(edited for typo)

He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me.

Fucking hell. He expects sex as a reward whether you want it or not? He often gets angry about it. And you think he's not abusive?

He is vile. You just don't see it because you are used to it.

Anyway, if I left it to my hormones, I would probably only want it for 3 days once a month. But I want to want it more so I get myself in the mood for it more than that. That's me, though. If you don't want it more then don't. The asshole you live with is lucky he gets it as much as he does with an attitude like that.

Well you can tell him and point out that as a woman you understand your sex drive perfectly well.

Ask him how he thinks two people should resolve it in a fair, non threatening manner, where no one has to have sex they don’t want.

Ask him how he would feel if his wife had sex with him because he’s being petulant.

Wow, he sounds like a catch. He shouts at you because you don't want sex and thinks he deserves sex whenever he does something nice for you? 2 people should want sex for sex to happen. Tell him to go have a wank.

Ask yourself how you would react if he didn’t feel like sex at a time that you did. Would you think it acceptable to shout and sulk? He is acting like an entitled bully and ensuring you won’t feel like sex at any time of the month as your resentment towards him will grow.

I don’t know. I do think his way of seeing it feels very transactional to me, yes. And that it’s something women “give” to men. I don’t feel like that about sex at all! When I feel like having sex, I see myself as a fully participating partner in it.

But I think it’s maybe not so much that he wants sex as a “reward”. It’s that he wants to feel more desired, like I want sex because he’s so attractive to me (not because it’s week 2, IYSWIM).

(edited for another flaming typo!)

I wouldn't be married to a man who got annoyed with me if I didn't want sex for any reason. He sounds vile.

Here OP this video from Thames Valley Police might help you both to understand consent: https://www.thamesvalley.police.uk/police-forces/thames-valley-police/areas/c/2017/consent-is-everything/

Well, these are your hormones and it’s not the same for all women. For example I was often most interested in sex just before my period and I’m sure if you ask around you’ll find this varies a lot.

It’s absolutely fine though for you to not feel in the mood at certain times of the month. Any decent partner would be ok with that. They really would! A simple ‘my boobs hurt and I feel a bit sick’ would have my husband reaching for the paracetamol and a hot water bottle whilst offering cuddles. The majority of responders are horrified that he sulks and shouts and that thinks that you should want to screw him because he’s been nice to you. Shouting and sulking isn’t nice.

You have explained - he isn't interested in understanding. He only wants his needs met, not yours.
He's selfish and frankly unpleasant.
It's perfectly normal in a relationship to have consensual, mutually agreed sex.

He's gross. Show him this thread so he understands.
Sex because he's nice to you!? 😂😂
Sex should ONLY happen when you feel like it.
He's blinded by testosterone

I’m sure he’s clever enough to understand it if he wants to.

A) I don’t know how you could ever feel attracted to this petulant manchild and
B) Even if you do fancy him because he’s put a nice shirt on and made an effort that won’t stop your boobs hurting with PMT.

He's a coercive twat and you’ll never make him understand things from your POV because he doesn’t care about your POV. That much is clear from your experiences so far.

Bloody hell. What an entitled brat he is.

I said I didn’t want sex now
And that should be the end of it. If you don't want it, the reason doesn't matter. Does he know how to wank?

He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me.
Transactional, then. You pay him for being nice by opening your legs etc? Pfft. You don't have to use sex as currency. That's an abusive approach. You 'owe' him sex if he's pleasant? What if he doesn't get any? Right. He shouts and makes you feel bad. Abuser.

He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour
He needs to get over it. Women are randy when they're likely to conceive. Fact. We can also be lustful at other times. But someone who pressures women for sex will put them off. Also fact.

he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation.
Erm, based on my own experience (remembered, I'm fucking old now), I'd say they all look better when you're about to ovulate... but if you love someone that puts you off shagging other people. Can't really speak for anyone else.

I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.
Yes, he wants you so upset and hurt that you creep to him for sex and he gets what he wanted. Your subservience. Use of your body whenever he likes.

This isn't good, OP. He will wear you down and one day you'll leave, a shadow of the woman you are right now.

He may not understand female biology. I mean with all the information at your fingertips how could he bless him? But who cares.

You, however do. You understand yourself and your personal experience. He wants to manipulate you into sex because he put a nice shirt on. Jeez that is cheap.

This man loves you? Really?

Set the bar higher. P.s. he is abusive.

Reframe it. It’s not that you only fancy him in week 1,2. It’s that you feel sick and sore in wk 3 and are bleeding in wk 4.

Ask him if he’d like to swap, because cramps, sore boobs and bleeding are no fun and you need support those weeks not guilt trips.

Yes, your “B” is exactly what I can’t make him understand.

You're being abused

He is