Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

So he thinks it's normal to want to have sex when you are painfully cramping and gushing blood from your fanny and he also thinks it's normal to shout at a woman who doesn't feel like sex when he does.

Absolutely this

I know what consent is! Honestly. I did used to consent at times I didn’t want to. Now I just say “no”.

It’s not the quantity of sex he’s complaining about. It’s not that he can’t go for weeks without sex! It is that he doesn’t see himself as the cause of my desire (that’s “just” my hormones). He says it makes him feel unattractive to me and that nothing he can do will change my reaction.

I’m not trying to “defend” him. I feel very upset by him, his actions in the past, and what he has said now. I just wanted to know if that was justified/if other women would feel the same. Now that I know, I need to discuss it with him. I feel a lot more confident about it.

He HEARD you, and from that second onwards it was no longer sex, it was RAPE

He shouted at you about it. That's not normal

(So I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like!)

Not like this!!!
He is abusive and has coerced you into sex and raped you. Apparently he thinks that's ok, on the grounds that there have been times when he didn't

He thinks his feelings matter and yours don't. He has somehow managed to manipulate you into thinking he doesn't understand your point of view. He does understand, he just doesn't care, as long as he gets what he wants. He 'didn't hear' that you were in pain and asked him to stop, because he was 'too focussed on himself'? Well that says it all, doesn't it. Of course he heard though.

This. You're in the FOG, op. His behaviour is coercive and abusive. I know you don't believe that right now but he is. Have a look at this, and see if you recognise anything: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

and the time he didn’t stop - he didn’t hear (too caught up in his own pleasure).

What a load of shit. He heard but he didn’t care. Why are you making excuse for rape?

If you said to him "I don't really want to but I will", would he have sex with you or not?

Of course he would. You know that, right?

Because he cares more about sex and having power over you than he does about you as a whole, living, breathing person he is supposed to love.

I genuinely feel fine doing this but I think my relationship is different to yours as there is no coercion and I do it out of love. Also sometimes my head wants to do things but my body isn’t willing so I get some pleasure out of doing something else and seeing my partner so into it physically.

Listen to your body. If you don’t want to do any of this, maybe because on some level you don’t trust him to accept just what you are offering, I think you are wise.

Can’t dh have something else from you during those weeks? Like HJ etc

He says it makes him feel unattractive to me and that nothing he can do will change my reaction.

This is controlling, he is controlling

Other women op, wouldn't have just been upset, they would have ended their relationship then and there with this absolute horror of a man.

Absolutely this

I don’t think he would. I have said this before in fact. He said “no, of course I don’t want that”. He really isn’t a complete monster (no matter how upset I am with him).

This is so, so sad to read.

OP, you are in an extremely abusive and coercive relationship but you just cannot see it. The time where he continued to penetrate you when you were in pain and you told him to stop was rape. No grey area at all. His excuse of "I was wrapped up in myself" would not be any kind of legal defense. It's also troubling that he views sex as being so much about himself that he apparently forgets you are even there to the point that he can't hear you or tell that you are in pain. Personally, I think it's absolute bullshit and he knew damn well what he was doing and just didn't want to stop. But even if you believe him, it's disgusting. He thinks you're just a walking vagina and doesn't seem to feel any connection to you during sex.

You won't get him to change because it's not a problem of him understanding anything. He understands fine. He just doesn't care whether you want sex or not, he thinks you owe it to him to service his "needs" (which aren't needs, just desires). He's playing dumb because if he admits the truth he outs himself as an abuser.

Please imagine your daughter coming to you with this story in 20 years. I hope to God you wouldn't tell her that her husband isn't really that bad and she just needs to make him understand her menstrual cycle.

Honestly OP reading some of your replies is really scary, and I can only hope that none of your children are little boys who are going to be raised around a man who believes he’s entitled to access to a woman’s body just because he has done something kind for her. It is through cycles like that this behaviour keeps passing from generation to generation.

It's not just women. My husband agrees that he raped you. He also can't understand how he could want to have sex with someone who isn't into it.

Wow I'm so glad my hubby isn't like this. Where's the caring, showing respect and love here. 4 kids on and never once in recovery or at any other time have I ever felt like it's wrong not to sleep with my hubby. I'm so glad he is kind and considerate because this isn't it

You're quite wrong. he’s utterly vile. He doesn’t give a shit about consent, to him you are basically a sex toy to service his needs.

You need to wake up to how truly awful what he said actually is.

He doesn't understand?

He doesn't want to hear the word no.

He understands perfectly. He's simplh choosing to ignore you and is dimply trying to bulldoze you into compliance.

If he needs to orgasm without you, you don't have to be there. He's got a right hand. If he wants to make love, then he needs to be responsive to your rhythmns and needs.

From what you're sayjng he only loves the endorphin rush, not you.

Too caught up in his own pleasure : how convenient for him. Sorry, I suspect he heard and ignored you.
He is also gaslighting by his whataboutery ('what about all the times we didn't have sex')
He assaulted you and of course it has had a deep impact on you!
And you do not have to explain why you don't want sex, I bet he is refusing to understand because then he can keep pressuring you; if he lets on he understands then he shows himself up for the abuser he is

He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. 🚩 That’s terrifying. He does nice things for you for sex? Wtaf is wrong with him

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me.

Perfectly reasonable and normal. A complete non event in a healthy relationship.

He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle.

He SHOUTED at you for not wanting to have sex with him. This is so far from normal it's mental.

He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me.

He thinks you owe him sex on demand simply for being his partner. Or because he does 'something nice' for you.

Because he sees sex as something women 'give' men rather than something to consenting, equal people enjoy together. Misogynists think this way.

He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation.

He thinks you will shag other men randomly. For no reason. He's punishing you by making such an accusation. You know why? To make you feel like you have to have sex with him so he stops making such accusations.

I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I'm not surprised.

Why do you want to be with a man who shouts at you when you say no to sex? You seem surprised at how strongly and unanimously people have reacted on here.

His behaviour is shocking.

He has at best sexually coerced you and has at least once raped you.

I don't believe for one minute that he doesn't abuse you in other ways.

Emotionally? It's emotional abuse what he said about you shagging other men when you're ovulating. He's sexually abusing you through coercion and on one occasion rape.

I seriously doubt you are treated as an adult with equal agency in your household.

Is he controlling in other ways? Believes he has authority?

But if they're girls and come to her about any sexual issues, they'll be told the guy isn't that bad really even if he's coercing them 😞

I don't know what is scarier tbh, whether their kids are boys or girls.