Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

Miscommunication?
IF the OP is French, her English is perfect. I doubt there is any miscommunication going on there.

A French woman.

No, I get that he's a rapey bastard and I totally agree with that - but I don't think she particularly needed another 500 people to point that out?

Aside from that, there was just a sense of not being on the same wavelength and I wondered if it was a language thing.

As for you, your may be 'a french woman' but I wasn't asking you. So....

I found this video entertaining and helpful and have shared it with partners before.

That said, your DP sounds like an entitled asshole and I'd be making an exit strategy.

@thatsjustthewayitisok Nothing's being miscommunicated. OP's been very clear to him about how she feels, but he's not happy that it doesn't match up with exactly what he wants her to do on demand.

I actually meant that the OP seemed misunderstood by the posters on here.

She talks and then it seems like she feels that people don't seem to hear exactly what she says.

I don't think hammering the OP in the way people have here has been all that helpfull.

It is biology. We are different we wan t sex in the last two weeks.

Just be honest

No I'm not in the mood
No I have pains
No is a complete sentence

If he shouts sulks or tries to coerce you then you have the answers you seek.

You have sex to 'be nice'?

Fucking hell

Well use your own hand then rather than coercion

Fucking hell the rape apologists are out in force today

How often people do or don't want sex isn't the issue.

The fact he shouts at her when he doesn't get sex on demand, is "very angry indeed" when he doesn't get sex on demand and continues having sex with her when she wants to stop (aka rape) are the issues.

What are your thought on those issues? Are they in any way acceptable things to do whatsoever?

If not, why would you not suggest she leaves the man who is sexually coercing her through shouting, anger and guilt tripping?

I was agreeing with OP. Sorry.
In my case when I had periods. I did want sex in the two weeks not all month.
He's more transactional about it. And should not be shouting or coercing.

Huh? Stop exaggerating! I read the OP at the beginning, so unless there was a drip feed after, she did not say anything to do with coercion. He is sulking and angry, annoyed. She is free to do as she likes. Stop being dramatic. If the OP has said she is being coerced with pressure and threats, that’s another matter…..

@coldcallerbaiter

He shouts at her and gets 'very angry' while literally telling her if she doesn't want to have sex she should do it anyway. All in the first post.

How is that not coercion?

Not all sex offences are by strangers down dark alleys you know.

@coldcallerbaiter

If the OP has said she is being coerced with pressure and threats, that’s another matter…..

How is him literally shouting at her while saying she should have sex even if she doesn't want to not pressure?!

Read her updates.

For one thing she has asked him to stop as she was in pain and he continued. And there's so much more.

Try getting all the info before defending the poor man and calling women dramatic...

Yes, if he is shouting then it is pressure. I did not see that on OP when I commented. I still do not class it as R. I have my reasons for that. I do not like the lines blurred on R. I would tell him not to behave like that, I would discuss it, but ultimately it would be my decision. I would not tolerate repeated shouting at me about anything, my shoe would be in my throwing hand …

And even if @coldcallerbaiter didn't read the updates, in the first post OP says her husband shouts at her when she doesn't want sex, gets very angry when she doesn't want sex and tells her that she should have sex even if she doesn't want to.

It's genuinely scary someone could have read all that and then said it isn't coercion through pressure. Bizarre.

@coldcallerbaiter

So now you've read it properly, you do agree that his behaviour (including the below) is coercion yes?

He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle.

And in a later post he didn't stop having sex with her when she said she wanted him to. That is rape. There are no blurred lines about it.

So the fact he didn’t stop when she told him to because he was caught in his own pleasure isn’t rape in your opinion? The law would say differently

I read the OP only.

if an update said he didn’t stop then that is absolutely R.

@coldcallerbaiter

I really think on threads about something so sensitive, where OPs are vulnerable and confused, people need to ideally read all the OP's posts before commenting but at a minimum read the first one thoroughly in case you then say things like that OP hasn't been pressured, when it's very clear she has.

It's dangerous because she could see that, not knowing you just didn't read it properly, and think he isn't unreasonable and isn't really pressuring her when he absolutely is.

Honestly, I'd echo the views that your husband is controlling and coercive.

If your DH gets you flowers when you feel sad, you are allowed to still feel sad - obviously, you might be happier/more touched/grateful for the thought, but you are still allowed to be sad for the reason that made you sad in the first place. He doesn't have the right to control your feelings, and it is very worrying that he seems to believe that people should control other people in this way.

I honestly would advise you to get counselling. It sounds as if you are living with a very angry man and you may need to protect yourself from this at some stage.

@coldcallerbaiter you have still not read all of the OPs posts and clearly didn't read the first properly.

Take this as a lesson to read at least an OPs updates before deciding to comment, so that if you still think all the posters saying one thing are being dramatic, you have all the information to make that decision.

Equally, when multiple posters respond to you telling you what was said in an update (I.e. that her husband raped her), don't then continue to suggest they are the ones blurring lines on what rape and abuse are. Think about the fact that if everyone is saying something happened, maybe it did. If you want to be sure, read the OPs updates.

I think that is a good point, sometimes you just read the first post and comment or the updates are not written yet.

He sounds like an absolute headf**k. A strange, needy, controlling, abusive, arsehole. I'm sorry for you OP.