Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

He says it makes him feel unattractive to me and that nothing he can do will change my reaction.

If a someone tries to coerve their partner into having sex with them, gets angry when they withdraw consent or continues when their partner has asked them to stop, it is predictable that their partner will find them less attractive.

It's his behaviour that needs to change, not your reaction.

Your response to him is a normal, predictable, healthy reponse to the way he is treating/has treated you.

You should never feel unable to initiate sex because you're worried that, if you express your wishes, he will be angry with you.

Ugh the more I read the more I feel sick. Are you in cuckoo land. You said stop during sex he said he didn't hear. So erm you want sex with someone who is so not bothered about your pleasure he doesn't give a damn. Had that happen twice after our twins painful so stopped no problems just nice cuddles instead. Doing nice things to get something cmon I think you need some therapy

I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t

Please, please be careful, OP. A man who views sex as transactional is dangerous. If he thinks sex should be a reward and is already becoming angry, he’s only one step from using sexual assault as a punishment. And I think you know that. And sex without your enthusiastic consent (as you explain it, your “body feels like it’s screaming ‘no’”) IS sexual assault.

Well, he could try to chemically lower his testosterone and see what happens to his sex drive! Will he still want to have intercourse without "his" hormones? I somehow doubt it. And he probably wouldn´t even be physically able to!

No doctor would ever help with this kind of "experiment" (and your "D"H wouldn´t choose to participate anyway - for very understandbale reasons). But it might give him some food for thought.

He thinks he should be the centre of your world, and you should fancy him all the time.

Has he been ok with your kids needing attention?

No you’re completely right.

It is terrifying either way. You can see quite clearly how this kind of mindset has continued to pass through generations when you see posts like this.

You said -

He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation

He's abusive. Fact.

He is. He got angry, shouted and said you should have sex anyway despite saying you don’t want to. This is the very definition of vile.

Why do some men think they have the God given right to dictate and demand when women have sex with them!? His attitude is disgusting and would put me off ever having sex with him. You don’t even have to justify your active sex drive in the other two weeks.

You are not his sex toy!

Maybe he can’t tell the difference between his emotions and reacts with anger as default.

Maybe he needs counselling. Him. Not you.

Op in the kindest way, your husbands behaviour is abusive, his words are abusive in that he thinks its okay to be angry and tell you that you should have sex with him when he does something nice/or is being nice to you??! Like wtf!! Im amazed you havent torn him a new one for talking to you like that. You absolutely 100% do not owe him sex at anytime, under no circumstances whatsoever, and especially when he talks to you like shit and gets angry with you. He seriously needs to get a grip. My partner would never dream of manipulating me like that telling me i should have sex in exchange for his kindness - but he knows better, and he also knows id kick his into next week!

He isn’t abusive over this.

He shouted at you when you said no to sex and has been known to get 'very angry indeed' when you say no to sex.

OP can you really not see that's abusive?

It's terrifying you don't seem to be able to.

What have I just read...

He shouldn't be led by his raging testosterone. Sex is not a reward like a sticker chart. And also does that mean if he is horny all month you can accuse him of wanting to have sex with any woman all month?? What a twat.

Edited for typo

He "doesn't get it" because he doesn't want to. He wants to coerce you into doing something you don't want to. That is who he is.

A lot of wisecromdn have responded clearly and in concert. Yet you don't seem to listening, so I asked a mzn and my very own DH.

Here follows a bona fide make opinion:
He says that your hubby's a cunt.

'He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent!”

This is shocking, he acknowledges what he had done but thinks it's ok as.

Horrible behaviour. Foul man.

Please get some professional support. This is likely to escalate and you are very vulnerable,

Any man who thinks he's entitled to sex whether its just because he wants it or he thinks he's due it as a reward for good behaviour is vile. Any man who gets angry that you are not in the mood for sex is vile. Any man who can't respect his wife's body....is vile.

All of these statements apply to your DH. Think about it properly and then think about his behaviour and whether that's acceptable to you in a relationship. And whether it's the kind of thing you want your children to be around (a man who is angry because his wife is on her period and doesn't want sex then...). They may not know the exact situation but they will pick up on the vibes and the anger. Do you want them to think its normal?

If you have daughters, do you want them to think that's how their partners should behave in regards to their bodies? If you have sons, is that how you'd want them to treat their partners?

Honestly OP, try to actually think hard about what posters are saying, rather than jumping to his defense ?

The things you have posted are striking complete strangers as 100% abusive.

His 'excuses' or 'reasons' are simply lies, plain and simple. I mean, when you are in the throes of passion, does YOUR hearing suddenly fail you ? Mine never has, and I'm sure other posters will agree with that simple fact ?

His 'reasoning' is that because HE does something 'nice' for you, he 'deserves' to get something in return, i.e sex. This IS 100% a 'transaction'. He believes YOU 'owe him'. It's probably the ONLY damn reason he does anything nice for you at all !

He HEARS what you tell him about pain/periods/hormones/cycles etc, and his 'take away' from that is that you'd be a slut who'd sleep with anyone in those 2 weeks when your libido is 'on' if you weren't with him FFS ! And you're defending that by saying he 'doesn't understand' ??

How the actual fuck does he think single women manage ? Or are they ALL 'sluts' 2 weeks of the month ??

Hear us when we're telling you he IS abusive. Would YOU ever shout at him if he wasn't up for sex ? Did other partners do that before you met him ?

Would you be telling your daughter that it's 'normal' for her partners to get VERY angry if she changed her mind about having sex ?

Will you tell your son that if he does anything 'nice' for a girl, then she 'owes him' so she can't refuse to have sex ?

Can you HEAR what we're all trying to get you to understand ? It's NOT 'normal'. It's NOT 'reasonable'. It's NOT 'acceptable'.

He's a grown man, who has had LOTS of time as a single man, who was NOT getting sex every damn week ! How did he manage then ?

He sounds like a monster to me, OP.

Your husband wants your sex drive to be under his control. That's what it boils down to. Instead of accepting that wanting to have sex depends on how you feel, he is insisting that he should be able to make you want to have sex by buying flowers or putting the bins out. He is treating you like some kind of vending machine where he can insert the correct amount of niceness tokens and then sex falls out. Except now you're malfunctioning, and you're taking his tokens and not dispensing sex on demand.

He can't fully understand your perspective because he's not a woman but it is 100% in his power to accept that what you are telling him is the truth. This is one of those situations where his desire for sex is against your need for comfort and the right thing to do is for him to prioritise the latter over the former. He's not doing this. You cannot force or influence him to do this, only he can choose to change his perspective.

You deserve better.

He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent!”

So if he punched you a few times he'd try to redeem himself by mentioning all the times he didn't punch you?

Is he thick? Because if he isn't I can't see how he can't understand what you're saying when you describe your cycle to him.
He doesn't listen to you about the effects on your body as his want for sex is more important to him.

Next time he goes on about wanting sex tell him his just being driven by his hormones and to stop giving in to testosterone.

That sounds vile to me. Yuck!

There's nothing wrong with you, OP.
Apart from your shitty choice of husband.
The way forward is to divorce the coercive controlling rapey bastard.

This "he didn't hear (too caught up in his own pleasure) thing is NONSENSE.

He heard you all right - he just ignored you. And that's RAPE.