Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

Can you imagine a world in which his balls were really painful one week of the month and yet you wanted to have sex with him anyway, despite knowing he wouldn’t really enjoy it?

There are so many of these posts, what is it with these men.

Thing is, if you don't want to, you don't want to. Just say that.

I don't want to.

Then say, shall I make myself? I've done it before then tell him how it felt.

Then say, is that what you want, you having sex with somebody who doesn't want to.

Write it down in a letter.

Please get medical help for the periods.

You could be halfway through sex and you can still withdraw consent - that still wouldn’t mean he can get angry with you for not wanting sex. I know it’s hard to hear but when he get angry and sulks it makes you less likely to say no next time doesn’t?

rape isn’t just violence, it’s not taking no for an answer or making you agree to sex to avoid the consequences. Sorry that your DH is like this but really you should never be trying to convince a sexual partner of reasons WHY you can’t have sex. No means no.

and that’s without him saying you’d have it with literally anyone on the weeks where you are up for it. He doesn’t sound like he’s got a lot of respect for you

Ha ha, yes - they do all look distinctly nicer on day 15-16 of my cycle. I have noticed this. So far, though, I have managed to stop myself shagging any of them (even if they were standing “nearer” than my husband!).

I’m not sure how he doesn’t get this. Or that what he said about me shagging the “nearest man” was upsetting. He said it shouldn’t be upsetting because it’s just how he feels.

I’m very relieved to hear so many women see it my way - I was starting to think maybe I was the odd one out, or biologically weird, or somehow unreasonable.

He doesn’t give a shit about your perspective. Hes just thinking ‘I’m a man I want sex so woman has to give me sex’

Ah. We have been there and I did withdraw consent halfway through (it was hurting me), and he didn’t stop. He said he didn’t hear me as he was too focused on himself.

Which I do kind of get. But it is in the back of my mind a lot.

Doesn’t matter what other women do because that isn’t the issue. The issue is how he views sex, as a reward as something that women give men and not a mutually beneficial act. His view on sex would permanently put me off him.

the idea that buying a so,an flowers makes them want to have sex is just urgh

He heard you my love he just didn’t care enough to stop

OP, I'm sorry but he's an abusive creep whether you can admit it to yourself or not. He gets angry and tells you should do because he wants it. And then sulks, ie punishes you for saying no. That is sexual coercion and utterly vile.

I couldn't live with that. He's horrible, selfish and cruel.

Thats actually rape! And you don’t see that as an issue?

"He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me."

This is gross. He thinks sex is transactional. That he does something nice for you and should be rewarded with sex 🤮🤢🤮. You chould only ever have sex because you want to.

Have you shagged around? Why is he suggesting you'll fuck anyone if its the right time in your cycle? I'd be highly offended by that.

Oh I am so sorry it was hurting and he didn’t stop - the fact that he was too focussed on himself speaks volumes about his attitude to sex and yes does make him vile and abusive

Op - what was your parent's relationship like growing up? What was his?

You both have very very strange unhealthy ideas of what is acceptable in relationships. He IS vile. He IS abusive. That you can't see this suggests you've never had a proper relationship role modelled.

In answer to your question - no op, you shouldn't have to be raped whenever your husband wants sex.

If he genuinely doesn't realise it's against the law to have sex with women without their consent, and you seem to think it's fine that he doesn't know this, then I'm honestly not sure where to start.

If it was just your life, then I guess crack on. But, you are showing your children, as your parents did before, that this is perfectly acceptable.

That’s the point isn’t it - he said he was too focused on himself but sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity where you try to please the other person as well. You should be attuned to each other and he should just know when you aren’t comfortable and stop to check in on you.

I’ve been in that situation - once it happened to me I just couldn’t trust him again and I broke up with him, but that was easier for me we didn’t have children. I couldn’t see that as rape either but that’s what it was

I did withdraw consent halfway through (it was hurting me), and he didn’t stop.

Rapist. Leave. Do it.
And he is vile.

If your description of the situation is accurate, then yes he is.

If he shouted at you for not having sex, that would be emotional abuse

It depends. Of course you can and should say no when you don't want sex. But are you trying subtly to engineer another pregnancy without discussion?

I don’t think he understands that the not stopping (when I said no halfway through), and one other time in particular (when he was VERY angry about not having sex as I’d earlier implied I might be up for it) have an impact on me still now.

He just says “but what about all the times that didn’t happen? What about all the times I didn’t push you for sex and just said ‘ok’? The bad times were only a small number and not very recent!”

I can’t explain somehow that those times have had an impact on me and affected my responses. Sometimes even if I do feel in the mood I am reluctant to initiate because I then think he’ll be angry if I change my mind, or whatever.

He sounds unpleasant. I know it is hard to describe a relationship dynamic on mumsnet so assuming you do want to try to compromise here’s a suggestion. If my partner wants sex and I don’t feel like it but I do want to make him happy I suggest something I am comfortable with such as using my hand or mouth on him or even just sitting with him and watching him handle his own needs whilst I talk to him or watch. It adds a bit of variety for him without causing me any discomfort if I am not feeling in the mood.

God no! He’s had the snip. The last thing I want is another pregnancy!

I just don’t know how to do this when my body is saying “no” so strongly. I’m not in the mood, I’m often in some discomfort in fact, it would feel violating.

Is that not normal? Do you do this actually when you really don’t feel any desire? These are things I would only do if I were actively in the mood and we were most likely going to go on to have sex.

He said it shouldn’t be upsetting because it’s just how he feels.

You wrote this OP. Read it back, then ask yourself why how he feels should be validated but you can be punished for how you feel if it means he doesn't get sex when he wants it.

He wants you to give in and pretend to enjoy sex when he wants it. He doesn't care enough about you to be interested in how that would feel for you.

Op - do you understand that if you said what you're saying here to a police officer, that your husband would be in prison?

He absolutely is vile, he’s trying to pressure you into having sex you don’t want, while also suggesting you’d have sex with ‘any man who is near you’ when you’re ovulating. He sounds genuinely awful.

Ugh. I lived with a man like this in my early 20s. Thankfully I saw sense and broke up with him after a few months, but it left me extremely wary of men who expect sex in return for good behaviour, or sulk when you don't feel like it.

He is being abusive. Having sex when you don't want to is at best coercive control, at worst rape. My experience lay somewhere between the two. It's not normal, most men do not do this.