My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

My Dad didn't have a funeral, it was fine. Personally funerals don't do anything for me, I can grieve in my own way and time. I don't need a ceremony to say goodbye.

My Mum has said she wants the same, no funeral but to then scatter her ashes along with my Dad's and for us to have a family party.

I'll be honest I don't really get the whole ashes thing. If I died I'd rather they just get dealt with instead of my husband and son getting lumbered with the guilt of either keeping them or spreading them in an awkward ceremony

Someone close to me pre-arranged this. I can see the logic but imho it's also helpful for the survivors to have some sort of ritual - it helps with the grieving process.

When my own parents died, it was comforting to bring together people who knew them and who came and shared their memories at the funerals.

But you can do that at any event to celebrate their lives, it doesn't have to be a cremation/burial service, especially if you're not religious.

Strangely enough, my husband and I were just having this conversation yesterday and we are in full agreement with your parents.
We don't want silly expense or waste.
We would like to be seen off with no unnecessary frills and a bit of a party at our expense.

Funerals are for those close connections left behind. If they want/ need a funeral for closure then I think there should be one, despite the wishes of the dead who, let's face it, aren't there anymore.

I don't want a funeral, and I don't want any stones, memorials etc

I don't want my children to have to arrange one, go through one. Money isn't the point.

I want them to remember me with love and live their lives.

My mum has this arrangement in place for herself. We shall have a family meal by way of marking the occasion.

Definitely become more of a thing. Bowie had a direct cremation (though a memorial later) and apparently since the cost of living crisis, direct cremations have really increased. I don’t want a funeral, neither does my mum. Two members of my family didn’t have a funeral.

An uncle requested this. My aunt followed his wishes but was devastated. He didn't even want a wake or a few beers down the pub to remember him.

Same here. Plan is they have an unwitnessed cremation and then we have some kind of party (or maybe a holiday) for those left behind. They remember their own parents cremations and how awful it was to have to feed information to the minister to say some nice things while everyone travelled to some awful concrete building. They refused to travel in a black car behind the hearse. While I wouldn't like to have no gathering, I do agree with having it as a separate occasion

My parents have arranged this. When my mom told me I sobbed my heart out. They live 2 and a half hours from me and i know when I get that call, I will be wanting to be there to say goodbye as it will be my only chance before they collect her and I might not make it in time. I have often thought that funerals are for the living, they are for me the start of the bereavement process and dealing with life after the loss of a loved one. When I buried my first husband it was really important for me but I have to abide by my parents wishes

It makes sense to me. We lost people during the pandemic, when funerals were virtually impossible. We did have a couple of zoom funerals, one person in the room with the coffin, their phone on, in touch with everyone else on zoom. And a few people had no funeral at all. As far as I know, nobody suffered any ill effects from missing out on the funeral rite of passage- and it changed my mind about what I want for myself. Just the ashes returned to my children to scatter as and when they see fit, no long journeys at difficult inconvenient moments to sit through long boring speeches in the cold, and wasting money on flowers, and catering etc.

Maybe covid has put an end to the assumption that there has to be a funeral for every death

I don't either.
Direct cremation, then the wake. My family can get together in an appropriate way. Makes sense.

My parents have just recently decided they want this, I don’t have an issue with it to be honest. They’ve decided it partially because of the cost but also they don’t want us having the hassle of arranging funerals.

I agree but I'm an autistic. I don't get the point of a funeral at all. Fine if you want to go to the pub and have a few beers but sitting in a room with a coffin before it gets cremated or buried is odd to me.

Yep.

My ashes will be scattered at 2 family favourite places and that's where they'll go to feel close to me.

I've paid for a direct cremation because I don't want my dd to have the stress of arranging my funeral or to have to spend what I see as a ridiculous amount of money.

All she's got to do is ring the company, and they'll take away my body. All sorted.

If she wants some kind of event for closure, she can go for a drink and talk about me or whatever else helps but no pressure.

Nobody in our family have funerals. It's what we like. Direct cremation and a lovely family meal after. When I die I want the same and so do my children for themselves

My mum died in 2022 and had a direct cremation. I still don't know how I feel about it really, we didn't even get told a time just the day. However it is what she wanted. My dad has the same booked.

My friends Dad has said he wants a Direct crematorium with no family. The family have agreed with him to keep him happy but have no intention of complying & plan on having a conventional funeral.

As people say, funerals are for the living & after losing her inlaws she, and her family agree THEY need a funeral when the time comes

I've discussed this with DS aged 40 already. I've paid for a pure cremation in advance and said if the put me through a funeral I'll come back as a poltergeist and haunt them.
I loathe funerals. Depressing and awful.
I've asked that when he receives my ashes afterwards that he scatter them somewhere special to me and leave it at that.

This is my wish, and then for close family to go to my favourite spot and have a picnic (Fortnum & Mason). Favourite spot was also my mums and even though my mum has an ash grave, I tend to walk at favourite spot when I want to feel close to her, maybe my DC will do the same when I’m gone.

Do you know for certain that they wouldn't want a funeral for you? You say you don't want them the go through one, but perhaps when the time comes they might feel they need one? I certainly did when my dad died, it was a sudden death and I really needed the ritual of the funeral, of reading a eulogy, of hearing prayers, of seeing my dad's coffin, and of saying goodbye. Maybe your children will be different to me, but if they do want a funeral I'd hope there would be a way for them to hold one.

Of 4 people I know who died in last 4 years, 3/4 had funerals. They were all males, age 50-78. I suppose they were all appropriate events. The 50yo had friends scattered all over country, they couldn't just meet up for a wake, he got to choose the music. The 78yo & 52yo, their loved ones needed a formal grieving ceremony.

I can't imagine me having a funeral. The alternative in last few years, a "gathering" was lovely. We told stories about the departed person & had a nice lunch. He would have loved the feel of the event.

Who wants to pay 10k for disposal of a corpse?

My local pub hosts lots of celebration of life events for people who don't want funerals, instead of gathering at a chapel of rest you go there, words are said by the family music is played and there's a buffet, much more informal and each family make it their own, been really successful and now are working in partnership with local funeral director so family members can say their goodbyes at the funeral director then cross the road to the pub.