My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

One has to ask what you get for 5k for a funeral?

I personally wouldn't mind seeing who could be bothered to turn up at my own. But would prefer 1k of booze to be handed out between friends and old contacts - at a campsite or picnic or something.

I'm interested in what posters mean when they say 'closure'. Funerals often take place not long after someone has died, are people using the term 'closure' to mean that they can finally accept someone has actually died?

As I said in an earlier post we had no funeral or service at all for my Dad. I spent time with my siblings and Mum after he died but there was no event to mark his death other than his actual death. I can't think a funeral would feel more final than his actual death.

As a family we aren't shy to show our emotions or talk about death but by not having a funeral or service I think it's helped us remember him when he was alive rather than thinking about his death. Iyswim

Have you organised all that yourself already?

My partner's mother died unexpectedly 3 months ago - she was 74. Turned out she had always point blank refused to discuss her wishes, so it was left to partner's father to decide...

First it was she was going to be bought back to her home country, buried there and a wake so all her brothers and sisters could attend. This was communicated to said brothers/sisters. 3 days later he's totally changed his mind, she's being buried local to him, no funeral, no wake/get together afterwards, not even anyone to be there when she's interred... money was no object, so that wasn't the reason. Instead he spent £5.5K on a coffin that about 4 people got to see. Now her brothers/sisters are absolutely livid with him and that's probably the end of any relationship between my partner and his cousins...

I can understand not having a funeral - I want a direct cremation for myself, but I have no family here. If I did, I'd want them to at least have a little get together and remember me.

Well, die first I suppose will get me out of it.

We’ve just paid for direct cremations for both our still very much alive parents. Dad has dementia, mum possibly is on her way. They want to be mixed together & scattered when the time comes. Fine. Also had very free & matter of fact convos about it, cost was relevant but neither want a palaver. They say. Well, dad says. And I believe him - irrespective of his dementia he is clear headed about the decision when you talk to him, he just can’t remember having talked about it 10 minutes later. Mum OTH I’m not so sure about, I think deep down she thinks she SHOULD have a service for family, because that’s what was done. It’s a generational thing. So we’ve suggested having a church service but not having a coffin, so the direct cremation can still go ahead. That way people can gather & then have a wake afterwards. Funeral director has been great and said we can always “top up” our package if need be. It’s a tough one! Good luck

I think I would like this . I’d rather my ashes were scattered afterwards somewhere I choose and direct family have a meal afterwards at some point . I had to arrange my fathers funeral and it was an expensive fiasco .

Would you mind giving an idea of the cost? It would be helpful to do a comparison with a conventional funeral .

Have delivered eulogies at 3 family funerals - brother, mother, father. Brother was 62 and it was a humanist service with numerous tributes, mother and father were more conventional crematorium services. Speaking the words, meeting family and friends at service and wake were essential to ‘closure’, especially for the most recent (my father) as I’m now the last of that family group. You can have a memorial service or a commital of ashes but for me, personally, that’s not quite the same closure. There is most certainly something in it when people tell you the funeral is for the living not those who have passed.

That said - I know I want a full blown classical music departure.

But, if anything comes down to costs etc. then there are many ways to say goodbye and one just has to find them

My late father said this. It was very difficult. O compromised by having a direct cremation as per his wishes. But also a memorial service for people to pay their respects. I agonised about what to do but am so glad I did it.

My MIL had discussed with DH before she died in 2022 and whilst there was some hesitation in the family we had a direct cremation followed a few weeks later by a gathering at her house where friends and family came and remembered her, a couple of people spoke, and we effectively had the best bits of the more traditional arrangements.

It worked for us and when BIL died a few months later there was no hesitation in doing the same again.

I think it's acceptable now and certainly felt less stressful being able to do what we wanted in our own time.

I can see how it has its appeal to some people, I'd even consider it myself. Although when my mum died (very sudden, unexpected and she was quite young), if there had been no funeral I'm not sure how I'd have coped. For me it was a extremely healing process, my mum was religious though.

Yes, it is becoming more common. I had a direct cremation for my DM, and my DF thought it was such a good idea he went to the funeral directors and changed his instructions so he had one also.

I used to dread the thought of my parents' funerals (only child) so this way was much better, and I'm more than happy with there being no actual funeral. I don't want one myself when the time comes.

This was how it was with my brother, I found it therapeutic to have a way to seek closure

Not everyone who is living wants to do the funeral part for a loved one though.

My sister's funeral was bloody awful, we tried our best with a humanist minister etc but all I ever do when in a crematorium service is spend the whole time visualising what happens when they go through the curtains (we do the curtain thing where they go on the conveyor belt, I put my foot down on that one).

What was nice for us was the wake, being able to chat and share memories but if it was too much you can go and get a sandwich from the buffet or step outside.

Obviously one person's opinion but just as valid as everyone else's.

Personally I hope to be able to discuss this with my children and basically leave it up to them, but given the choice I'd have a gathering somewhere informal with a buffet and a bar and the money that would have been spent on fancy funeral cars etc go to my family.

Funerals are there to deliver the wishes of the deceased. Its not about the ones left behind.
Have a knees up at the pub after, but its up
to the deceased what their funeral looks like.

They're not really going to be able to hold you to it though if you just can't face going through it for whatever reason can they

That's exactly what my late DF did. He didn't want me to have to organise a funeral. He was a bit obsessed about his funeral during the last 10 or so years of his life, but once he had made the decision to have a direct cremation he was happy with it. He attended church weekly btw, so it wasn't that he didn't have any religion in his life. He purchased a plot in the cemetery in the town where we used to live, and at some stage I will have his ashes interred there. I didn't need a funeral to say goodbye, and I remember him every day - a funeral would only have been a source of stress, and "closure" is not something I've ever felt necessary.

66yr old her, direct cremation paid for up front
I’ve done this because ds wouldn’t have a clue where to start and also as I only have one close friend I don’t see the point in spending all that money 10k + when it can be used to something else.
when you think of it most people really don’t like attending funerals but feel under pressure to do so

Well, that was quite a response from so many of you. Thanks. Lots of comfort from that.

Does anyone know if you can stop a direct cremation if someone has pre paid for it?

I agree with a PP funerals are for the support of the living.
I talked to my children about my preference which is a direct cremation....death, funeral home,crematorium no service, collect ashes.
They were content with my choice for various reasons.
It should be discussed together imo.

Why would you want to? If they have pre-paid then that is what they want.

I decided to pay for my funeral plan in advance and was just going to have a Direct Cremation.
However, DP's daughter was very unhappy about this. I am very close to her daughters, they are like grandchildren to me. She felt they would need that closure.
I respected what she had to say and am now having a funeral service.

I am only in my 30s but I have stated in my will that I don’t want a funeral. I think it’s such a depressing and too much of an impersonal, generic way to celebrate someone’s life.

It’s at a place I don’t go to in life, lead by a person I’ve never met. It’s only an hour, costs a lot and feels likes a ‘factory of the dead’. I remember leaving the last funera I went to seeing the next funeral waiting outside to come in.

If my family wants to spend money, i’d much rather they through an actual party in my honour, as a happy occasion where they wear my favourite colour or come in fancy dressq and play my favourite music (eg spice girls).