My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

My Mum donated her body to science so we wouldn’t have to pay for a funeral.
We did feel we needed to have a service - it was humanist with a celebrant. The absence of a coffin was odd, but we had a photo of her on a table with her favourite flowers.
This was followed by a wake at the pub down the road.
im glad we did it.

My mother has arranged for her body to go to a local university, so we'll be invited to a memorial service for everyone donated that year, and we'll do a wake ourselves.

You must respect your parents wishes.

DH is having direct cremation followed by a funeral in church, with the urn instead of the coffin. Several.friends have decided to do similar.

This, funerals are for the living. They need to make the decision.

My mum recently decided she wants a direct cremation. She checked with me (only child) that this was ok with me (yes) and has organised and pre-paid for it. My Dad died a few years ago and we have no other close family.
I hate funerals, if I held a funeral for her, it’d be for other people. I’ll say “goodbye” in my own way. ❤️

Box, Burn and return. That’s what I want. My husband too. Preferably Euthanasia if I can get to choose it when the times right for me. Son completely fine with it all especially after volunteering in a nursing home he understands why I would choose Euthanasia over a nursing home. We work in healthcare .

It's a balancing act between doing something true to the deceased's character/personality and doing something that helps those who are left. I remember seeing a documentary about funerals years ago where a nephew was organising his aunt's. She had been an elderly churchgoing lady, a Northern Irish Protestant. He lived in London and had clearly thrown off his origins. He had her in a cardboard coffin which he was hand-painting. It felt very, very off - all about him, not at all about his aunt.

On the other hand, if the deceased leaves instructions which are ridiculously expensive or which the bereaved find upsetting, I think they should agree on what they would prefer/can afford.

My Mum wants a direct cremation and no funeral. And there was a radio 4 program on this, as it is becoming more popular. Probably as people are skint. Her partner died, and had expressed the same desire. So that's what he had.

But...

We never got a funeral for him. Which was a pain in the arse. There was talk of a wake, but it didn't happen as my Mum couldn't cope with it. Our family is probably as dysfunctional as any other. Plus my Mum wanted to be in the middle of it all, but didn't want to do the wake. Which left us in a weird spot. As we would have felt strange doing something ourselves. In hindsight I would have liked to have arranged a get together and invite my Mum along so she didn't feel she had to organise it. However, if I had floated the idea it would have been a no go.

A funeral/wake is important. I'm a little bitter as we basically had my Dad's funeral taking away from us. Different partner. And I've never really felt any closure.

Just something to bear in mind, possibly.

In theory funerals should allow anyone that knew that person to pay their respects. But there's such awkward inter-dynamics between the myriad of friendships, colleagues etc in our lives that it can be kind of odd. A family affair can exclude people, even within families.

By the time my parents died, aged 86 and 87, there were so few family members left alive or healthy enough to travel from afar that there were under 30 at each funeral. It would have been far better to have a direct cremation and for close family to go out for a meal and talk about the memories. As they were both religious and wanted a burial they would never have agreed to direct cremation.
I don't know anyone who has had a direct cremation but a small family only cremation followed by a memorial service open to all is quite common here now.

This just shows that everyone is different. I’ve been to quite a few funerals over the years - the vast majority have been short services at crematoria - and have always appreciated the opportunity to say goodbye and for peaceful reflection on the person who has passed. It’s felt important to me to mark the person in that way. Some of the funerals have been very emotional and also cathartic and a comfort. I would find it very hard not to have that.

Dh had one, his family made his last 6 months worse than it needed to be and I couldn’t sit through his funeral. Him dying has devastated me, it was too much to expect of me.

The family members who supported us and were there for the last months and I went for a nice meal afterwards in his favourite restaurant.

I don’t want a funeral - just cremate me and scatter me wherever you think I would like ( if you are pissed off because I don’t want a funeral to fulfil your needs … please let me chose - it’s MY bloody funeral)
I already had my thoughts on this but when mum passed away last year the funeral directors made a throwaway comment about her which wasn’t nice. ( plus we didn’t spend anywhere near the funeral plan costs)
Whats the point of the expense? Have a gathering somewhere with some drinks and have a laugh - that will do me

My DMIL had a direct cremation the other year, we found out that she had died and I started thinking about the funeral arrangements and if the kids should come etc.. when we were told that she didn't want one. I thought it was so unusual! My DM same age as mil thought it most odd. However, it worked out well my DH and DBIL cleared her flat with their aunt/MILs younger sister and found it very cathartic. We didn't spend unnecessary money - MIL lived for the grandkids and hated the idea of money wasted on her instead of buying them stuff. I'd actually say the kids found it most difficult, she was there, a bit poorly (she'd fallen) then she wasn't but they're resilient and we talk a lot about her, we have a small space in the garden with some pink flowers planted with a little slate sign that says 'Grannys corner ' and we can think of her when we look at it. It was a different choice but I can see why she wanted to do it like that! My DM though wants the full caboodle!

I have this arrangement. I hate funerals and don’t want my dcs to have to organise this. They all know and are fine with it and will do what they want in terms of a ritual instead.

My sister in laws parents both had this and I remember feeling very very upset by their wishes (but of course accepting). It does have to be the wishes of the deceased I think - then the family and loved ones can have a get together in a way of their choosing.

Neither of mine want a funeral. They want an interment of ashes with only family present

I don't want a funeral, ideally I will be buried in with my nanny but I want the cheapest fuss free option.

My mum has donated her body to the nearest university with a medical department - when the time comes! So no funeral for her.

A friend had a direct cremation which they organised. There was a memorial lunch a few months later which was lovely - the friend would have loved it!

I'm honestly very surprised that people feel strongly about what they want for their funeral.
I can't imagine any circumstance where I would think other than for the people I've left behind to do whatever they needed to do to say goodbye, whether that is full funeral mass or leaving me at the funeral directors and going down the pub. I'll be gone it doesn't matter to me - they'll be here it does matter to them.

Yes, this is definitely becoming more common - I've organised direct cremation for a close family relative, along with a celebration with a Humanist at a later date. I prefer this, and have opted for this myself.

I hope my parents opt for this.
I don’t want to be publicly sobbing which I will be, I would prefer something more dignified!
I don’t feel like I need a proper funeral to acknowledge they are no longer here, I will know they’re dead.
At the moment though I haven’t had this conversation with either of them and if they do express wishes then they will be carried out. I also have siblings so my feelings are totally personal any decisions to be made will be shared.
I don’t care what happens at mine as long as all my kids are happy with the arrangements.

How funny! I've just come off the phone with my friend and we were talking about all of this. I've got a new will and I asked if she and another friend would witness me signing it.

We got into where we keep all our documents, our passwords, our wishes after death. Who has our LPOA, and so on.

I don't want a funeral either. I would like a direct cremation.

It's so, so important that we all talk about these things openly. And also to accept people's wishes even if it's not what you would want.

My gran didn’t want a funeral and requested quick cremation.

We felt lost and adrift with no sense of closure. Eventually we asked a priest to do a short service for us. But we felt conflicted as if we were betraying my gran’s last request.

I understand not wanting relatives to waste money or follow traditions for traditions sake but from my experience I’ve come to think that asking for the death not to be marked in any way is quite selfish and hard on the family.