My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

My mum also wants a direct cremation and a separate tea party, that's fine by me.

One thing though, I think it does help to view the body, or at least I've done this with two relatives recently and found it very helpful as a time to say goodbye. If I'm not there at the last moments, I will still go and see them and have this time with them. Once you get used to being around dead bodies (and I was scared the first time), I've found it has helped me understand very quickly that they aren't coming back and that they are gone. I hope they would be ok with that, I will check and follow their wishes.

I think something is lost by not having anything whatsoever, just the person disappearing, but I don't like the current UK funerals in a funny room with 20 min and a pressure to say nice things in a eulogy to sum them up. It doesn't have the reassuring ritual side and it's stressful, I find. But I don't want them just to disappear into the ether and not really feel they are dead.

My auntie died last year and there was no funeral, no gathering, nothing. It was awful. It was if nothing had happened and I still expect to see her now. It was honestly the worst way it could have happened. She has a plaque a few hours from me and when I went there 6 months after she’d died, it was the first time I really grieved. I wouldn’t put my family through that.

I've made my wishes very clear that I don't want a funeral or party or ceremony for scattering ashes.
Straight to cremation. I absolutely do not want taken in a box through the streets of my town. Told my daughters to have a meal out, raise a glass of wine and go on with life

My mum died at the end of covid , at that point you could have 8 people but no meal etc afterwards
It all seemed a bit grim and I hate funerals anyway so we opted for a direct cremation.
Dh and I would prefer this option as well , there will be plenty of funds, it's not that but I don't want to put my kids through something I hate so
Much and they don't mind either way .

Omg that's the funniest most brilliant thing I've read in a long time! 🤣 My DH wants to be blasted into space in a rocket (ashes presumably, not his body just strapped to a 🚀 😆)

My thoughts exactly. Funerals are for those left behind. If you feel you need one. Then do it. They won't be there to complain!

Some of my close relatives have chosen direct cremation. I feel sad that they won't have the glossy black cars, the flowers, attendants in smart suits, mourners and the dignity of the occasion. I feel sad that their final journey will be a long one in a van rather than a short one to the local crem in a hearse.

I'd find this difficult, but would respect their wishes. That said, my sibling's funeral was awful - not because the circumstances were particularly tragic,it was just a dreadful ceremony and I know it wasn't what they would have wanted and I was furious that they didn't get the send off I felt they deserved.

But, funerals are really for the living, and as long as you get the chance to remember them and say goodbye in your own way, that's all that matters. A few drinks and a toast privately with loved one, planting a tree, scattering ashes in a much loved place... there's lots that you can do when the time comes.

My dad did this and then we had a celebration of life. It was ok but so so hard on the day we knew he was being cremated (we weren’t allowed to know where) and I imagined him taking his final journey alone and it was devastating.

I understood why he did it (the difference in cost is vast) but I’m not sure I’d want it to become the norm.

This

I don't want one for myself. Direct cremation makes sense to me unless my children feel they need a funeral.

If I had the choice I wanted to be burned on a funeral pyre outdoors, however as this is not an option I have donated my body to science (as long as they will have me of course). I would rather my family go for a slap up meal than spend the money on a service, cars, flowers etc.

20% of deaths in the UK are direct cremations, so definitely more common. I've already told anyone who'll listen that I don't want a funeral, memorial, wake or ashes scattering. Zilch. It will massively reduce the stress for whoever has to organise it, plus I hate a fuss in life so definitely don't want one in death - just the legal minimum will be fine.
Please respect your parents'wishes, OP - I'd hate to think that mine might be ignored.

Traditional £3600 ish
Direct £1300 ish
Attended cremation with up to 20 no minister £1600 ish

I dreaded my DH's funeral. But in the end it absolutely was healing and drew a line under things. Now I can't imagine how I'd come to terms with the loss of someone I loved without one.

I'd happily tell my kids that I'm happy for them to do direct cremation for me, but that it's really down to them to decide what they feel the need for.

Dictating ones funeral when you won't be there feels a bit odd to me. By all means leave suggestions if in case that helps, but it's about those left behind, to me.

A friend of mine lost a cousin who was more of a brother to her, in an accident when they were in their late 20s. His parents refused a funeral (their right) but she found the lack of the goodbye after such a shocking death, really agonising.

Funerals are not for the benefit of the deceased, they are there for the living.

The deceased person's wishes should be respected in terms of whether they want their earthly remains cremated, buried or disposed of in other (legal) ways and respected if they express a wish for any ceremony to be religious or non-religious, and any ideas for music etc but they don't get to rule that there should be no commemoration event at all, that is not their call to make. The living need to gather to share and grieve and remember and that doesn't need to be formal or expensive but it's not fair to decree it can't happen.

Dh's funeral was hard but also incredibly cathartic. Ds heard about his dad as a teenager and a young man, before he got ill. It was such an amazing day. We made it what it needed to be for us. We felt at peace afterwards.

I went to a friend's funeral which he planned himself in great detail in the months leading up to his death, and it was awful. Really really long with multiple hymns and pieces of music, readings, photo shows, eulogies plural. It was absolutely harrowing.

Im trying to give my executors freedom to decide but to indicate my wishes. No doubt I will get something wrong though.

That's what I'm doing too. X

PILs have arranged direct cremations for themselves for exactly these reasons. They don’t want DH to have to grieve in public (he is an only child) and go through the process of organising and leading funerals for them. It is unselfish and loving and kind on their part. We will remember them in our own way, without having to have a special ceremony (none of us are religious) as the ‘correct’ time and place to do so.

Maybe have a church service if you wish. X

Or family meal. X

@LaPalmaLlama I am 100% with you!
All bells & whistles for me!
Weeping, wailing, lots of black. Shame I won't be around to see it!

I think direct cremations are becoming more popular, I know my mum wants a private service with immediate family only at the crematorium and then a celebration service at her church afterwards.

she has booked and paid for her funeral and left her wishes written and signed so we all know what’s to happen.

My mum's the opposite, she wants a massive funeral. I'm the only child and dad died 20 years ago. I'm dreading it as I'll be 'chief mourner' and can't imagine anything worse than having my grief on public display. I don't see any way I can possibly get out of it.

I had never heard of a direct cremation / no funeral until a couple of years ago. I was chatting to a funeral director and she told me about her plan for a direct cremation and her family will have a party / BBQ to celebrate her life. I will now do the same.

Aside from cost, arranging a funeral is a faff and not something I want my family to deal with.

I've been to many funerals: burials and cremations. Not all of them personal, some have been through work. I really dislike the eulogy, I can't imagine someone summing up my life in a few words and I don't want them to either. I'd rather my friends and family share stories at a gathering where they can talk freely and it be more organic.