My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

I agree with OP parents, very wise. They think it is a pointless waste of money. I see those woeful funeral plan ads on TV, actor says oh my dh funeral was blah £ and I had to borrow off my kids. Um no you didn’t have to, if you cannot afford it, do not have one… same as a wedding.

I guess as long as they are organising and paying!

I wouldn't want a funeral in a traditional sense - but if my family felt so inclined, I'd love them to have a nice wake :)

After my father recently passed my mum decided she didn't want a funeral. She asked we have a get together and play the song she would have had if she'd had a funeral
...bat out of hell. She'd rather not waste the money and she thinks so many friends will have passed by then she'd rather not make us face it. She's prepaid pure cremation and I respect her wishes.

My dad had a service at the local crem presided over by JW - the family had been excommunicated decades earlier - their congregation outnumbering real family. It was awful - dad was plagued in life that he wouldn't be resurrected - the service was highly critical of him. DB was fuming. No 'closure' there.

Mum paid for her chosen funeral and me and DB chose a humanist minister - absolutely no JW presence. It was awful but in addition was to try and heal from the trauma of dad's funeral. It didn't allow closure - I had complex grieving and was tormented for years by the awfulness of her last months.

No doubt it can be difficult for a parent to be there one day and just disappear with no social ritual to mark their passing. But this is nothing compared to witnessing a slow and painful death of a loved one. I would absolutely choose euthanasia to spare my DC that nightmare. What you don't see or hear can't be a recurring memory that haunts you.

I will choose direct cremation. My DC are autistic and one has severe social anxiety. An actual funeral would be his worst nightmare and I doubt he could attend. And would forever beat himself up for not being able to attend. I worry enough about dying as a carer but at least I can spare him this.

Every situation is different but I am thankful that alternatives are becoming normalised.

I am not having a funeral- direct cremation with no one there and no 'do' at any point afterwards. DH knows and has agreed to that.

That's how you feel, others may feel differently. Both my parents had direct cremations, I don't feel as though things are "unfinished" at all, and have processed my grief very well. I don't need a funeral service to do that.

The last time I saw my DM - a few days before she died - she was well and happy, that's how I remember her. My DF died in hospital, so a bit different. Actually, I've just remembered my GM didn't attend her sister's funeral as she "didn't want to see her in a box", and I didn't attend GM's funeral when she died a year or two later for the same reason (I was 14 and staying with my other GPs when she died), knowing she would understand.

No, it's not selfish. I'm an only child, as was my late DM, and I had a direct cremation for her as no family and few friends left. My late DF thought it such a good idea he contacted the funeral directors - where he had already pre-paid a small funeral - and changed his plans to a direct cremation, thinking of me. I had always dreaded the thought of their funerals, this way was much easier. I also plan to have a dc myself (no children, just an exDH).

My dad has already booked and paid for a simple cremation.
His mother's funeral caused so much hassle between his siblings he wanted to sort his out before he died.
When the time comes all I have to do is make one phone call to let the company know he has died and which hospital his body is at.
They will then call me back once his ashes are ready to be delivered to me to arrange a time to drop them off.
I am so glad it is already all sorted and I won't have anything to worry about.
I have been to a few funerals and I have never got anything out of them.
They are just stressful and hassle.
I don't feel better for having the opportunity to say goodbye at a funeral.
I also think some of the costs involved are ridiculous and unnecessary but people just pay them because they are too upset to question them.
For example, when my dad and his siblings were talking with the funeral director when organising their mum's funeral, the funeral director said that the cost of the family cars would be £1500.
My dad's 3 siblings all just nodded.
My dad then said why are we paying someone else £1500 to drive us to a funeral when we all have our own cars.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming Thank you for replying to me. I think my parents will probably be fine with direct cremation. My Dad has already hinted at it actually - something along the lines of 'just put me in a Transit van'! Thank you for not thinking I am selfish. I just find the idea of funeral services with so little family support absolutely heartbreaking.

They're not really going to be able to hold you to it though if you just can't face going through it for whatever reason can they

Im not sure what you mean. If someone doesn't want a big service and just wants a direct cremation, that is what should be done. Its not for the living to override that for their own reasons.

If you have agreed to manage and fullfil someone's wishes, then you should see it through. Or pass it over to someone who will.
Its a respect thing, not about them "holding you to it" 🙄

I don’t want a funeral as there’ll only be like 3 people there and they’d be embarrassed at being the only 3 people there.

I wanna be given to the army to test
bombs on or something that’s at least a bit exciting.

Funerals might end up being one of those things we look back on and think wtf?

Mil and siblings paid for a fancy coffin, quite distinctive, they saw it coming out of the crem while chatting looking at the flowers. Makes you wonder if they sold it more than once 😂

My dh would have said no funeral if he'd had his wishes i think, because he was very depressed and would have thought nobody would want to come.

There were 100 people there and it was really cathartic for all of us.

Funerals might end up being one of those things we look back on and think wtf?

Do you think so? We have always had to deal with our dead and every society through hunan history developed rituals around it.

I want direct cremation and my parents have organised the same. If people wanted a gathering then that's up to them but I said if they tried for anything religious then I'd haunt them. 😆

With the cost of living I doubt people will be able to afford funerals soon anyway. Beats me where they get all that savings from anyway.

@Augustus40

The costs usually come from the sale of the deceased property or assets , or from a pre payment plan . If not it's a state funded direct cremation. Sometimes in a death notice you read funeral has taken place or private family funeral . Maybe it just means the family has had a very basic funeral or just had a direct cremation.

@EBearhug Yes I suspect so. Attitudes are changing. Historicalalt we have had rituals but now it’s a service often led by someone who doesn’t know you and a group of relatives who don’t live in a close area.

Prehistory burials you can see the care with the body that they took and the grave goods they sent with them, flowers laid out on the body. It was fine with love.

Now we cremate bodies in a conveyer belt system with no grave goods.

My DP’s good friend (like a father to him) passed away early last year. He didn’t want a service. But actually it was still very dignified and still gave a form of closure, as funeral directors are still involved, they still travel the coffin to the crem, they still carry the coffin in and bow as the curtain closes. Even if it’s just you there watching from outside.

DP organised a small get together to remember his friend at a later date.

Funerals feel like a way to make people grieve in a certain way, with triggering music, stories etc. it feels more natural to grieve in your own way, rather than to a script.

You have to go with their wishes. No conversation to be had.