My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

I'm not bothered about cremation or burial, but I think if someone does have strong views on it, it's important to make that clear. Both my parents were churchgoers, so we knew there would be a church funeral, and it made things easier to know what music Mum wanted (I remember long discussions about music in both cases.)

What I think is important, whether it's a funeral or wake or memorial or whatever you call it - is to have some sort of gathering, for people to remember the person together. I like a good eulogy, as I often learn things about the person I hadn't known before- even family members. And the talking to people, remembering the person together - that's important.

I went to a funeral on Friday, someone who was an important part of my teenage years. The best bit was seeing people I'd not seen for years - decades even - and afterwards in the pub, there were photo albums from the activities we'd been involved in as teenagers. (Also including pucs of my oarents, which was a slight jolt.) One of my great aunts had a really good do afterwards, too - loads of photos and stories.

A body needs disposing of legally and safely, but the living need the remembering, which doesn't need a body there. That communal act of remembrance is an important rite of passage. I always go to funerals of people I know if I can. Yes, I can remember them alone, in my own way, and I do, but the sharing is important too.

That's what my DH and I will do.

Our kids need the money far more than the Funeral Directors do

And that way they don't have to face the service and organise a wake etc which would be hard for them and more unnecessary expense.

They can have a nice meal out before scattering us to the four winds

Depends on who's paying for it and whether they can afford it

Even basic funerals cost ££££

Someone I know, middle aged, has just committed suicide because of the huge debt he got into behind his wife's back, we're talking more than the value of their house. He decided to take his own life and leave his wife and kids to deal with it.
His parents are now demanding his poor wife pay for an expensive funeral - they are not in a position to contribute and everyone is making her feel guilty when she faces losing her house and bankruptcy, something she had no idea was going on. She has no hope of ever buying another home or really recovering, she is 50.
Why on earth should she. If that was me it would be pure cremation - the cheapest one and the ashes scattered somewhere.
Anyone criticising her can pay for the funeral themselves or set up a go fund me for her.

I do remember, though - we had a church service for Mum, then the coffin went to the crem without us. The vicar was clear he thought it disrespectful to have a body committed without attendance, but - well, we just disagreed on that. I do not think it would have helped me to see a coffin disappearing behind curtains, and I trusted the undertakers to do the right thing (the undertaker was a family friend anyway.) But I think it's important to discuss death rituals before someone dies. If someone does have strong feelings, people left behind need to know. It helped that we had some idea of their wishes and music. There's a lot of admin when someone dies. If someone has told you what they'd like for their funeral, it lifts the burden just a little. (Unless it's something really outlandish. Hmm....)

My mum doesn't want a funeral so she won't be having one.

I don't want a funeral but I am sure my husband will arrange one because funerals are important to him. I'll be a church even though I'm not religious because his faith is important to him. Because I'll be dead I won't care any more so he should feel free to do what he needs to do. He can have my head mounted above the fire for all I'll care 😁

My dad died several years ago and he had always said he didn't want a funeral so we didn't have one. He was cremated and the ashes given to us and scattered.

Imo funerals are for the living not the dead and if any of us had desperately wanted one for dad I would have arranged one but none of us cared about having one. Dad wouldn't have known or cared because he was dead 🤷.

I don't feel any obligation to the 'last wishes' thing beyond promising the person when they're alive that I'll do whatever it is they want when they're dead. It's how they feel when they are alive that matters and telling them what they need to hear is the best thing to do. My obligation to their wishes (excluding legal wishes eg in their will) ends at the moment of their death. At that point, the wishes of the still living take priority. That's just my opinion. I understand others feel differently.

One thing I will say, though, for those that want to arrange the Direct Cremation themselves to avoid the family doing it, beware!

There have been cases where people have done this and obviously it's often done far in advance of the death. The company has, in the meantime, gone bust And the customer hasn't had their money back.

It might be better to leave a ringfenced sum in the will and let the relatives sort it when the time comes.

I don't know if this is selfish, but I hope my parents opt not to have funerals. I am an only child with basically no other family and the thought of attending their funerals possibly entirely on my own breaks me. And I certainly don't want a funeral for myself, as I will have nobody to attend it.

I have never been to a funeral that made me feel any better or worse about the death.

This is what I am doing, if they don’t want me then a direct cremation and nothing else. I would like my ashes scattered in a specific place and I want anyone who wants can have a nice meal and catch up with each other.
I’m atheist, I hate funerals and cremation ceremonies.
My DCs are perfectly happy with this, as is DH.

This. The implication that you don’t get ‘closure’ if you don’t have a funeral is nonsense - you don’t just stop grieving a couple of weeks after the death of someone you love because you watched their body go behind a curtain and everyone was really distressed but cheered up later and had a bit of a laugh at a wake the same day! It will take me a lot longer than that to get ‘closure’ on losing a loved one, if I ever do.

Through Covid this was a necessity. My grandmother had direct cremation which was easy to do. Once restrictions were lifted we had a memorial - lots of friends and family and a lovely get together.

I think it helped to change peoples opinions on funerals. A lot of the costs are ridiculous and, to me, a direct cremation makes so much more sense.

Personally I sincerely hope my parents opt for a direct cremation. My personal opinion about funerals is they are a torturous affair for me and offer no comfort or closure.
I'm an only child and live a few hours away from them. Although my parents have siblings, and I have cousins, I don't really know them and haven't seen them for years.
I have no idea who my parents friends are as they live somewhere completely different to where I grew up & I've never lived in their current area.
The thought of having to grieve publicly in front of family members and other that I don't know, and subsequently make forced small talk at the wake, fills me with absolute dread and anxiety.
My parents aren't fussed about their final send off (& my dad, in particular, is horrified at the associated costs of a funeral etc). I'm pretty sure they'd be happy with a direct cremation followed later by a scattering of ashes attended by myself, my husband (who they love) & their two adored grandchildren. I know that would certainly be my preferred way to say my final goodbye.

I don’t think a funeral necessarily gives you closure.
I actually wish I hadn’t gone to the funeral of a friend who killed themselves, it was harrowing. That’s my last memories of her and it hurts to think of it. She picked all her own music out before.

People knowing about this is a good thing. I know someone whose DM died after a long illness. Her and her DH were on benefits and they had no money, her DH was borrowing money left and right to pay for a cheap funeral, I think he got a payment plan with the funeral directors. In the end only their immediate family attended and he had to pay it off for years. I can’t see why a direct cremation and a self organised service/ ash spreading wouldn’t have been a better choice.

My dad didn’t want a funeral. We had a celebration of life with a celebrant and speakers, and then later a private commital at the crematorium, for which up to 8 people could attend.

Direct cremation and someone to organise it all was about a £1000 we then spent another £1500 on the celebration day

at the time a funeral and cremation, flowers , couple of cars etc would have been nearer £7000

Funerals are for those left behind, so it would be wrong to make such a decision (IMO) without consulting them. For many people the ritual of a funeral helps with the grieving process, and to deny them that moment could be harmful. Fine if you decide to mark the occasion in another way, that's just a different kind of funeral / memorial.

But to have no 'celebration' or memorial at all can make the process much harder for those left behind.

I've can't buy into the idea that 'it's what they wanted' if 'what they wanted' didn't take into account the feelings of their nearest and dearest.

Only child too here. When my dad died my mum and other relatives went. When my mum died my partner (at the time) and a good schoolfriend went.

I do agree nobody wd go though but Just like the sound of direct cremation. Cheaper and better for the environment.

Ds can arrange it once I am gone and he has half siblings on his dad's side for moral support.

I live far from cousins and nobody is close! Friends are few and far between.

I am glad that you have been able to have the conversation and hope when the time comes (a long time away I hope) you can take a small amount of comfort in fulfilling their wishes.

We did this for MIL (her choice) and both DW and I have decided to do the same. Neither of us are churchgovers (DW is athiest I'm "lapsed CofE") and the service would mean nothing to either of us.

My mum wants a direct cremation and then me to scatter her ashes somewhere I will be able to visit.
I was really upset when she first told me she doesn't want a funeral. But I will respect her wishes.

I think since the rise of the internet that Funerals have started to dwindle in their importance. As I child I can remember friends and relatives coming from far away as it was a chance to catch up with family . I remember one tearful relative from way up North saying Goodbye to everyone as she was never coming back down again and although addresses were exchanged we all knew we would never see her alive again . It was also a chance for old neighbours and workmates to catch up with each other . With Facebook etc there is less need to bother with funerals to do this . Plus it's very hard to get time off from work to go to funerals now .

Although despite the internet I have had three cousins remove me from facebook. There was absolutely no reason for it but nobody is close.

Word is that direct cremation was increasingly popular even before lockdowns and has become more so since

My own view is that the wishes of the deceased in this matter should be respected - after all it's what I've requested for myself - and anyway there are many other ways to commemorate a life apart from the standard funeral

It's worth bearing in mind that depending on which direct cremation package you choose, and which funeral you compare it with, the costs are not completely different. I think the charge round here is about £1000 for cremation alone so it can't get much cheaper than that, and that's the absolute basement price. Someone on here paid £4l for direct cremation. I paid about £5k for my husband's funeral as I didn't have cars (except the hearse) as I hate driving behind the coffin, we all just drove there ourselves. I also paid out nearly £1000 for a wake type affair which was nice, that would be the same price for any celebration.

It's worth seeing what the cost is, personally I wouldn't flap about 2k difference for the cost saving, others might, but it's not always as cheap as it appears.

I didn't want to do a funeral for my husband in one way but once we did, and chose stuff like music and photos as a family, I was very glad I did in the end. Family friends, and even his carers came. Initially I would have just gone for immediately family in the crematorium.