My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

I’ve chosen not to have a funeral. DDs seem fine with it. I’ve no other family (NC) and most friends live outside UK. I think a funeral would be a pretty miserable affair for DDs and dgc. I’ve left instructions ( and money!) for champagne for them to have a party instead.
I’ve pre-paid through Pure Cremation and felt a great sense of peace when I did it.
Think Direct Cremation is becoming more popular as people think outside the box ( no pun intended) and want to save money.

I dont want a funeral either. I have one DS and god willing i go before him, I want him just to be bothered about a family meal or something to remember me. It's just such a ridiculous waste of money for a funeral. That 10K could be much better spent!

My mother wants a cremation. I've decided she's having Burn Baby Burn and Ashes to Ashes for her music!!

I would prefer this. When my Mum died myself and my sisters were front row of my Mum's church. Her coffin was right next to me to my side and I felt like my grief was on display for everyone to see. It was an incredibly hard day. The most basic funeral, coffin and wake was £3k and that was 14 years ago.

At my MIL's funeral lots of people kept thinking I was my SIL ie Dh's sister, we were in a line of family outside the church so FIL, Dh, me I think and then SIL. I almost felt like we needed name badges. As we had moved away we didn't see any of MIL's friends or work colleagues, so everyone around us was a stranger except to FIL. MIL was an only child so no family on her side, just a couple of uncles on Dh's side.

My friend's funeral was a very small affair and we went home immediately afterwards, only family was invited to the burial. That felt right.

Also, just to mention, I've read a few previous posters saying that they don't mind what happens when they pass - I think it's a gift to your loved ones to decide and to tell them what you'd prefer, as this way they won't need to make all of the decisions at the worst of times.

By the way… If you have pre-paid for your funeral…

The company will do whatever your executor requests, even if this completely contradicts what you booked and paid for. I’ve first hand experience of this. There were some songs and readings etc my friend firmly wanted to be part of her funeral and the executor just told the funeral director to ignore all those instructions, and do other stuff, and the funeral director did whatever the executor said.

Choose your executor with care, it’s the only control you have at that time…

My I laws have decided on this, and told me just after I'd lost my dad. I was bereft and find it so selfish. I think the grieving need to grieve and a funeral no matter how small allows people to do this.

I couldn't imagine not having a funeral for my mum.

Only my opinion as someone who lost someone close in past month.

@GeneCity Exactly that.

I must admit, there is a real financial worry about all this. We have one family member that will want a funeral. But we'll be the ones paying for it. At least in the short term. And it's money we simply don't have. Very difficult to have these conversations! I think that is in part why some prefer the direct cremation route as it lessens the worries of financial burden on those that are left behind.

Another view on it. My friend’s DH died about 15 years ago, after a long illness. This was before Direct cremation became common. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing his coffin in the crematorium, it really upset her so she asked the funeral director to do an unattended cremation. A few weeks later all their friends were invited to a woodland site they’d both loved where she scattered his ashes and we all raised glasses in a toast to him. It was a beautiful and fitting alternative.

I’m Catholic so would want a Mass said for me, but that’s it…just one Mass. I’m not bothered about having the wake afterwards or a fancy coffin or any of the other paraphernalia…the way I see it I wouldn’t want the extra stress and expense for my kids at what will already be an emotional time. And I won’t be there to enjoy it so 🤷‍♀️.

you have to think about what will bring comfort to those you leave behind.

If I died tomorrow I know my parents would want a funeral. They would get comfort from talking to my fiends and colleagues. All their friends and family would show up to show support - it would be well attended and it would give them focus and get them through a difficult time.

I am single with no children. If I die when I am old I am not sure why value a funeral
would have. I am not sure it would bring comfort to my niece and nephew - I am
younger than a lot of my friends, so will probably outlive most of the obvious funeral attendees! I would leave it up to my family. I don’t ever want them to feel guilty - as other have said I will be dead! I know they love my and will be sad - do whatever works for them🥰.

Funerals are public events. Anyone can attend. A direct cremation and then a family party takes the marking of a death from the public sphere to the private. Which may be what the deceased wants if course, but it's not a small thing. It changes the dynamic and purpose of the thing.
I have lost people very close to me, and those who haven't might be surprised how they actually feel in the event.
Funerals are quite hard to go through. Much like a wedding, you can feel very nervous, very shaky and emotional. People you haven't seen for years turn up. People you thought would sometimes don't.
A funeral feels momentous in a way a "celebration of life dinner" never will. You dread it, but after the service you can feel a bit giddy, and relieved.
I would respect anyone's wishes but personally think it's important to go through these rituals.

Before he died I asked my FiL what he wanted during his funeral. "I don't GAF!" he said. So when he did die his sons and me asked his wife for a direct cremation but she said no. In fact the whole funeral was s farce snd didn't reflect his life at all. (She was the second wife, not their mum)

It just further convinced me I wasn't going to have a funeral. I might leave some money for a piss-up but that's IT.

I'm 69, I have 2 kids in their 40s. I have told them 'I don't want or need a funeral BUT I won't be there anymore, so it is really up to them'.

If they feel they need a funeral then it really doesn't concern me. As I said I won't be there and I won't know. As far as ashes are concerned, I have told them to do what they want, spread them in the garden or whatever and, if they want to spread them somewhere meaningful for me 'off the cliffs at Whitby - the having ensured the wind is going to be in the right direction'.

I go to Turkey on holiday on my own quite frequently. I have also told them, in the unlikely event of something happening to me over there then not to repatriate my body - total waste of money.

In the end, they can do what they want but they know my thoughts.

Mine too. I was given 'a 72 hour window' at the Direct Cremation firm ( that my half brother chose). Horrible.

Someone in my family planned this. They wanted to donate their body but in the end couldn't due to the cause of death. They hadn't realised they might not be able to do this so had made no plans for a funeral. At first their spouse was just going to do a direct cremation but in the end we had a small funeral (immediate family and very close friends only) followed by the cremation. I think us loved ones needed that ritual to be honest and I'm glad we had it although sorry my relative wasn't able to donate their body in the end.

please take out travel insurance. It will cover the cost of repatriation should your children want that. And other costs associated with accidents and poor health while there.

While I'm generally inclined to agree with your parents, I also think it's not really about them. If you, and the rest of your family, felt like you needed/wanted one after both your parents has passed away, I'd do it.
I think discussions around death are really important, but I also think dictating how other people grieve you isn't really reasonable.

Direct cremation, pre paid by my parent.

To be brutally honest, there’s actually no one to attend a funeral for them even if they wanted the bells & whistles.

My fil has not talked about it, not planned anything, no finances set aside specifically for anything to do with his death, so we won’t be forced to find the money, couldn’t give a flying fuck about us being in financial difficulty to pay for it.
So direct cremation, ashes thrown somewhere and the money will come from his account. He could be saving now for a funeral, but no, waaay too selfish for that.

When my husband died in 2016 I paid £5K for his funeral - he was cremated.

Afterwards I told my young adult children I didn't want a funeral.

I've gone for the pure cremation where they collect your body, cremate you privately, and return your ashes. £1700 - I'm saving up for it so I can pay it off immediately.

When the ashes are returned I want the kids to have lunch together and scatter me on the beach where I walked our sheltie for the whole of his 14 years.

I was thinking about this the other day, I have no desire for a funeral. Cremation then my ashes planted with a cherry tree. I don't really see the point of funerals and I'd rather my daughter spent the money on something else.

Funerals are sad but even sadder is a funeral with hardly any attendees. I think I'd be hard pushed to get into double figures attending mine and I seriously don't want the posthumous embarrassment!

My mum died in June last year and had paid for a pure cremation. Ever since she heard about them a few years ago, she was adamant that's what she wanted. I was initially ok about it but when the day came (we were told a date for her cremation but not a time or place), I really struggled without having the 'final goodbye'. She wanted her ashes scattered so we, (myself and my brother), scattered some in two of her favourite places and put the rest in a plot in the local crematorium during a small gathering with her siblings. It was so much better doing it that way, without the other family members there that you only see at weddings and funerals and the friends that you didn't know existed! The plot gives us closure and somewhere to go to feel close to her. And cost wise, even with the plot, it still didn't come anywhere close to the price of a funeral.

Both my parents are dead and both had a full funeral service followed by a burial. I find it comforting to go and put flowers on their grave although I don't live near their grave I do go down to visit 3 or 4 times a year to visit my sister's who still live in my childhood home town. I go to the cemetery twice a year on their birthdays. Last time I visited my 2 sisters they both said they were having a direct cremation. I must admit I felt quite sad after I got home and had time to think about it.