My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

Having unfortunately been to a few recently and having a very depleted one when my mum died during the lock down, I think that traditional funerals will start to disappear. They are so expensive and even with prepaid plans, there are lots and lots of additional costs. Much nicer to have a memorial service - I would like one a year after my death, then my ashes scattered.

I think it is becoming more common for people to decide this. I know 2 people who have died recently who said they didn't want funerals.

We did this when my Dad died. We used a direct to cremation service and had no service at all. We booked and paid for it all online. We don't know the day he was cremated or the location. We also don't know where his ashes are other than they got spread at the crematorium. It's exactly what he wanted and what we, as a family wanted. My Mum, siblings and me all want the same. My kids have also said that they want the same. My husband isn't sure though but he is from a catholic family so it would be quite a radical option.

A few years on we've still no regrets. I think it helped how we grieved for him. When I think of my Dad I think of him when he was alive not of his death. I've seen posts on Mumsnet where posters have suggested that this minimalist style of funeral is because some people can't deal with death but I don't think that is true at all.

Although we could have afforded a full funeral we liked the fact that it was the cheapest option.

Direct to cremation funerals are getting much more popular.

Going against the grain but I’m going whole hog. 6 black plumed horses pulling the hearse, same as Malcolm McLaren and a champagne reception afterwards with good canapés. I don’t really see the point of a memorial service ages afterwards. I think you have to strike while the iron’s hot and just get it all done - the only point of a separate memorial service is if you’re massively popular or famous and can’t fit everyone in at the funeral.

A friend died during Covid and we couldn’t have a funeral. The lack of closure was really noticeable for my friends and I, sadly he wasn’t the first of our social group to die. But the inability to grieve together really made things harder. Since then I’ve known a couple of older people do this by choice, and I think it’s a mistake. If we are honest, funerals are about the living, it’s our chance to say goodbye, share memories, and mourn. Missing out on that closure, the formality and reassuring ritual, means you are left in a bit of limbo. Especially if it’s a friend who you don’t have mutual friends with - you mourn alone and it’s like they just never existed. I’m probably being a bit selfish, but I wish this wasn’t a trend.

My remaining parent feels the same. The cost, the faff, the organisation etc. They don’t want me to go through that. I actually feel the same. But I really hope my parent has communicated it as I cannot bear the family stress of people blaming me for the lack of plans. I do worry about that.

I agree with them. I don't want a funeral either. I'm also dreading the day I have to arrange and go to my parents. It seems like such an unnecessary stress to put people through and a waste of money.

There are other options. My dad died about a year ago and both him and my mum had pre-paid their funerals. Everything was taken care of, cars, crematorium fees, orders of service, announcement in the paper, coffin and everything. We had to arrange the funeral tea afterwards but most people having a direct cremation have to do that anyway. It takes all the stress away from the family as there is none of the "what would dad have wanted" as it's all pre-decided on the plan.

I agree. I find funerals help with grieving and coming to terms with the loss.

My mum died almost 2 years ago. We didnt have a funeral - she had a simple cremation then about a month later we had a gathering that everyone could attend. It was a fabulous way to say goodbye.

My mum gave her body to science. We had an informal celebration of her life at a country hotel. We got her ashes back after 18 months. There was no fees for cremation, these were met by the university.

She was a nurse and knew how much medical students benefitted from having actual bodies to learn from. She said that she would be ash or of some use to the next generation. She chose to help the next generation and had our blessing.

What is the rough cost of a direct cremation, cheap and mid range funeral- are they vastly different?

@spanishviola
I agree. I find funerals help with grieving and coming to terms with the loss

That may be true for you but it certainly isn't for plenty of other people.

I've told my children I want a large jewel encrusted memorial or else a Viking longship set on fire. One of those sentimental eighteenth century memorial stones with all my virtues listed in Latin, or a Victorian weeping Angel. I reckon arranging all that will distract them nicely from their grief.

@RichardMarxisinnocent it will be my preference.. if they decide they want otherwise then that's fine with me.. after all I won't be here to argue. I just want to 'let them off the hook' iyswim.

Yes I think it's becoming more common. I do think its a mistake to forbid a gathering, imo that's been important for me when losing people.

I do want a funeral but I am violently against the idea of a grave.

We followed my Dad’s wishes to the letter.

Funeral am. Cremation pm. Except the two parts were 120 miles apart.

We had to rush off after part 1. No time to speak to those in Church.

Mum all but missed part 2 as she decided to stop off for a coffee in a town way off the logical route. Talked my sibling into this. (Who had a very loose friendship with timings and punctuality)

Brother and I wondering what to do - start without her - and hope she’d turn up. Postpone it?

It was the last one of the day. They turned up at the last minute.

Unbelievably stressful.

Moral of the story - go with their wishes but don’t be afraid to alter details to make the daywork properly for those left.

Yes, I’m talking about me. Where did I say that has to be the case for other people?

I genuinely think the wishes of the deceased are irrelevant.
It should be whatever the bereaved need to help them grieve.

My father's funeral was awful. Arranged by his recent girlfriend, his children were ignored and not mentioned it eulogy, pallbearers that we didn't know.
It was very traumatic for both my sister and I. We were teens/early twenties. We didn't recognise the man they were describing. That wasn't our dad.
My mum's was organised by us with input from mum as well as her sister and friends. It was more a celebration of her wonderful life than a depressing funeral.
That day wasn't that bad. We got to talk about our amazing mum and hear stories about her that we didn't know.
Her friends and our family supported us. Totally different to our dad's.
Funerals should be for the people left behind to say goodbye and get some closure.

I loathe funerals they do absolutely nothing for me. Me and DH both want to be cremated and then scattered any old place.

Consider they might want a place to go and remember you. My grandparents didn't have anything and I didn't think I'd mind but I do. I guess if they had a special place they loved we could go there but they didn't really. It was their garden in the house that had to be sold.

This thread makes me feel a bit better about my grandmother's recent cremation which was without a service. At 93 she only had her small family left in the world as all her friends had passed away some time ago. She wasn't the social sort, nor was she religious. We all agreed how hollow it would be to have a formal ceremony (as did she before she passed away). Instead there will be a memorial tea and her (70 year old) sons home when the weather improves later in the year. It feels weird but I suppose funerals doo too.

This is one instance though when I think it's OK to disrespect someone's wishes. If you want to hold a funeral then i think its ok, it's for the living to decide not the one being remembered, because bluntly, they are not there.

I agree.

I've instructed no funeral. Total waste of money. The important people will be there and gather around the family home. We don't need a service.

I have also said that if it is important to my children and they need a funeral they should have one for them. The needs of the living come first.