Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

But he's already betrayed you?

You can't expect an affair partner to sign any sort of agreement, surely?

Get rid.

Why would OW sign your relationship agreement?

and if you include what you want, wouldn’t it exclude your husband from seeing OW?

If your boundaries is that he can’t start a new relationship without your knowledge. Then he can’t be involved with her?

Personally, I observe that open relationships started as a response to someone already crossing the line, tend to fail.

I know people in successful open relationships that are happy. But they opened up their relationship while it was strong. Not while it’s a crisis point.

You ask for others opinions, but not sure what to say other than if I were you I would just prefer to call it a day.

No ways is this going to work.
He knew you had not agreed or set terms of opening your relationship so he is a cheater
Something l would/coul not forgive.

This baffles me…..Why don’t you just seperate!?

What extra benefits would she get by negotiating and signing an unenforceable agreement?

I think once you start having sex with another person you ll be happy to wash your hands off this open/dead relationship.

What are the consequences of him or her, ignoring the signed agreement?

Are any of them actually enforceable?

Just leave him and work on your own boundaries and expectations of good relationships. What a mess.

If you were his priority, he wouldn't have cheated on you. If he thought that you had an 'open marriage' (based on... an idle conversation), he wouldn't have hid it behind your back for the last year, as you yourself admit.

Why do you now retrospectively sanctify his infidelity to you? He cheated on you and deceived you; why are you saying "yeah, all right, carry on doing that"?

So he is CNN paying for his mistress out of household funds?

Nice.

Get yourself a guy and do the same. See how up for it he is then...

So he gets caught with his pants down and his response is its OK.
Fuck right off. People that have open relationships agree that at the beginning, not when a crisis comes along.
Do you think he'd be happy to mind the kids whilst you nip off for a dirty weekend with Dave from accounts ?

Do you want to date someone else or is this all in his favour?

What happens if he gets serious with her and has another family which he then has to support?

Any sort of agreement will just be a moral one there won't be any consequences if it is broken.

Just separate and remain friends if you are that ok with eachother.

You've had 5 years of a miserable marriage and your DH has been cheating on you for a year. I can't understand what there is to salvage. And it's the height of cheeky fuckery for him now to want to continue with OW and for you all to sign a contract FFS.

How are is the financial balance between you? I would suspect either: 1 you are the breadwinner and he wants you to continue to pay for his life but see the OW. Or 2. He doesn't want to give you 50% of the assets in a divorce. Or do 50% of the parenting. Sorry but I just can't believe that you remain his priority but he wants to shag someone else on a long term basis. He's having you on and you are falling for it.

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

This line stood out to me the most. So basically he's saying you don't make him happy and calm? If that's the case then why are you even bothering to stay together? You can guarantee the longer this relationship with the other woman goes on, the less you and your children become his number one priority and the more she does.

'Sorry for doing it in the wrong order' is 'my dog ate my homework'. Absolutely bonkers. He loves and cares for you so much op that he was shagging someone else for a year and didn't think to mention it. Raise your bar.

This isn't an open marriage though - this is your DH cheating on you for a year and you desperately trying to gain control of the situation by talking about a relationship agreement. How will you even enforce the terms of this relationship agreement and what will happen if he breaks the terms of the agreement?

He knew full well that his affair wasn't ok or within the parameters of the open relationship you had discussed, or or he would have been open and honest in the first place.

Basically he is a cheat and you can't trust him. No amount of counselling will change that. Allowing him to continue this relationship with the OW will destroy you in time.

Do YOU want an open relationship?

do YOU want to date other people?

He’s not only having his cake and eating it, but you seem to want to bake the cake to his requirements and sit and watch him eat it.

He’s taking you for a mug, bin him off.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is really all sorts of wrong. If you go ahead with this idea of converting an affaire into an open marriage / polyamorous relationship you are allowing yourself to be played for a fool.

Read up to inform yourself on the way open relationships work.

This is not that.

What do you want?

I couldn't be in an open relationship, but that's just me.

last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer

Why would you want to stay in this relationship? 😕

Hi op sorry but I would leave even if you agreed to a open marriage he's already had the affair he should off told you from day 1 he was seeing someone else even with an agreement in writing would you really be happy knowing he's probably falling in love with another person

He's having his cake and eating it