Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

And how are you going to feel, OP, if you agree to this 'open' marriage with both of you being able to sleep with other people, if it turns out that you don't actually want to, or can't find a man you deem suitable to sleep with? Are you going to sit at home waiting for him to get back from his 'other partner' while you are stuck watching Coronation Street and cooking his dinner?

What if OW gets pregnant or wants more? It's not just you and your "D" H (who is currently having his cake and eating it) in this.

I think signing any "contract" is moot as that horse has bolted!

OP you say the other woman gives him something that you can’t- what is it? From the sounds of things you still share a bed, have regular sex, lunch dates, you love and care for him - that sounds like a pretty good package so what on earth is missing? This will all end badly for you, it’s a terrible idea. He said he told the OW you are his priority- how so? You are the one in the dark while he has been sneaking around for a year lying to you, that is not how you treat the main priority in your life. I couldn’t even contemplate forgiving my husband for cheating on me but to give it my blessing, what are you thinking? Does it not bug you sleeping with him when you know he’s been sticking it in someone else? Kissing him when his mouth could have been anywhere on her. Separate and find a man that loves you as you love him. No relationship worth having needs outside sex.

This really leaps out at me

It's strange to hear that the last week he's been more attentive towards me, doing things together, met up a few times for lunch and dinner, and we've talked more

He's been seeing her for best part of a year, he's only been being attentive since he got CAUGHT

It's a no from me. Divorce his arse and go on to better things.

If this thread is for real, I feel sorry for the children in this scenario - children are often more aware of things than some parents give them credit for. Especially as they get older. I would be devastated if I found out my mum had lowered herself to such standards just to stay with my dad. What are you teaching your children here? Let a man walk all over you and have zero respect for yourself? I know several people whose parents have had an affair in the past which they found out about and they have never had the same relationship with that parent since. Add the bizarre scenario of you staying with him and letting this carry on under the pretence of an “open relationship” well …. I certainly wouldn’t see either parent in the same light again. Don’t put yourself in the same category as him, he’s an unfaithful arse and his children aren’t his priority - HE is!!

”It’s a no from me.”🤣

It sounds like the relationship version of Dragon’s Den.

But similarly, “I’m out!” ( and I suggest you do the same OP).

LOL. You seem extremely naive. Have you ever met a divorce lawyer?

I’m not polyamorous myself, but I have experience of it from many people who are. And from what I have learnt:

• all this talk of “enforceability” of this “agreement” is nonsense. You can’t force or enforce your partner to do anything. All you can do is lay out YOUR boundaries, and if they’re broken, you leave.

• you can’t ask the other woman to sign an agreement. She is nothing to do with you, and you have no rights whatsoever to comment on her life, choices or her relationship with her partner (your husband). It is your husbands job to successfully manage each of his relationships

• following on from the above, you can’t dictate how your partner conducts his other relationships (number of dates, when they can happen etc). Again, you can lay out your own boundaries and if he chooses not to act within them, the penalty is that you remove yourself from the relationship.

Polyamorous relationships are very much about trust and openness. No rules, demands or commands. They work only with honest, trustworthy people who can communicate well.

Based on the description of your husbands actions, he’s not able to fulfil the criteria of a successful polyamorous relationship, and you yourself don’t understand the fundamentals of how each relationship works in this situation (I.e wanting to put restrictions on their relationship and have her sign up to it in writing).

@FKAT

Lol indeed.
I am in fact recently divorced. Have had a 2+ years experience of interacting with divorce lawyers and court system.
And am also familiar with divorce laws in some of the EU countries.

Financial settlement in the UK does not depend on fault/or who else spouses decided to sleep with - whether or not they signed anything.
IF a spouse transfers assets to another person - while married - that is of course different. There may be situations where that can be challenged or accounted for in asset division - but it’s more complicated.

This is what you said previously:-

If it's my relationship with my DH then it's given me clarity on how we treat each other.

I can tell you how he treats you - like shit and with utter contempt, not love. He runs rings round you. And you're facilitating him in doing so.

Heaven help you going forward, counsellor or no counsellor - this is not going to end well.

Just sounds like it's about money to me.

Not love, marriage, care and respect.

It's horrible how low he's making you go.

You do know there are a million and one other ways to spice up a relationship other than him sticking his dick in other women right??