Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

He doesn't care for you, any fool can see that

He'll have told her that you're hysterical and won't give him a divorce.

You may find it useful to "bump" into her and have a coffee.

This is so fucked up!

If you expressed an interest in boxing would he proceed to immediately punch you in the face?

“DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.”

Why, your marriage sounds over and now other people are getting involved. What is to salvage here? Why don’t you separate and just be friends, this is not what a marriage is about. What about when the woman he’s been having an affair with wants more than being the OW?

Or punch someone else in the face?

Fucking hell man.

Yeah no OW is going to sign that shit OP. I know you're trying to avoid upsetting emotions and gain some control over your husband fucking about behind your back but this has disaster all over it. Are you still sleeping with him?

If you want to shag someone else, then shag someone else.

I think you’re afraid of losing him and that’s why you’re trying to be accepting of this. You two had discussed something and he’s now claiming his affair partner to be an open relationship.
I think you should take more time before coming up with any rules. It seems like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it . He doesn’t want you to divorce him but also wants to sleep around with a younger woman.

Take your time to think this all through very carefully. If your best friend told you this was happening to her, what advice would you give her?

Just today?

He literally gets to fuck around and keep his wife appliance at home and finances intact. How can you have such low self esteem that you are even considering this?

please leave and realise you deserve better than this cheating scumbag.

What do I think OP? I think your DH is having his cake and eat it and can't believe his fucking luck. His main priority isn't you or the DC, his main priority is himself and having the freedom to shag whoever he wants whilst keeping his feet under the table of a cosy home. What's not to like! Of course he'll sign anything you ask him to - which incidentally is utterly meaningless.

This is not an open marriage, this is your husband having an affair. Besides, why do you want an open marriage when you say you love him? Open marriages usually suit men way more than women and can be pretty damaging to women. Get tested for STI's and chuck this rotten, one sided relationship in the bin before you lose every scrap of dignity and sanity.

You're kidding yourself on every level here.

This cannot be real, no one is this desperate and daft and what on earth is a open marriage arrangement that needs signing, bloody ridiculous, on the very slight off chance this is genuine just get rid and let him shack up with his mistress.

Gosh he must think he's struck gold!! He's cheated on you and got rewarded with now having two women!! Sorry op but your marriage sounds like a joke. I'm assuming you want to see other people too so why don't you just split, instead of drawing up contracts and all that bollocks.

Open marriages mostly benefit men, and in this case, certainly so. Would he be ok with you taking a lover with a signed contract? Anyway, how on earth would you enforce the rules?

DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority.

Really? Main or top? What does not prioritising you look like?

What's the point of sexual contracts and all that? What happens if he or the OW break it? It's not legally enforceable so what's it for?

I totally agree. I don't know what's going on around here.

I can't claim much expertise in the world of polyamory but I am fairly sure that you can't declare an open marriage and apply a relationship agreement to an affair that has already commenced!

last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer

Just get divorced already. Your relationship is dead in the water. He will be loving shagging a younger woman with no costs or hassle, of course he will. You're being taken for a fool. Split up and be happier than you are now.

Just have the balls to finish it.
Your husband is having the best of both worlds, and what he tells you he says to OW and what he actually does are miles apart.
The OW must either be completely desperate or have extremely low standards, either way this isn't going to end well, open marriages never do.

Listen to what he is telling you indirectly.

She makes him happy and calm. NOT you.

He wants his cake and eat it!

Why be their laughing stock? And they will be laughing behind your back and calling you a mug!

Make your own life with someone who only wants you!

Couldn't have put it better myself.

The relationship is stone dead, he’s played a blinder here by cheating and then manipulating both women to agreeing to this fucked up situation.

There is one winner, him, and has two hapless women giving him what he wants. Absolutely ludicrous.

I can't bet when you find your 'one' your husband won't be as happy as he is now. I don't see why you would have another long term OW alongside a wife bar the obvious reason. Just be single 🤷🏻‍♀️

His behaviour shows he places his needs above yours. You can do better, even on your own.

Go to therapy on your own, work out what you want in a relationship (and then kick him out and find a man that deserves you)

It's all very 'let's rush through legislation which applies retrospectively to the dodgy shit we've already done'. Skulduggery afoot, OP!