Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

He is spending your family money on an affair.

I'm in an open relationship (of 5 years plus) and what you're proposing will never work. You're just putting off the divorce.

He's been shagging about and spending your kids money on his sex life and you're hanging about for more humiliation?
Come on, end the farce, have self respect and sign the divorce papers rather than some creepy sex document.

Just get on with a divorce.

If you still like each other try to make it amicable.

But honestly your husbands top priority at the minute is OW, not you or the kids.

I'm sorry, but you come across as quite desperate. Be honest with yourself and realise that you are worth so much more than this.

What will happen is that you will bumble along together thinking how jolly modern you all are whilst concealing your seething resentment and he will eventually dump you and go off with her.

You'll be left looking like a lemon.

Just split up amicably.

This just sounds bonkers

Are you hoping that she will get the ick so bad from having to provide written comments on your relationship agreement, that she will leave him alone?

There isn't a written document in the world that will make this work for everyone.

He has has another written document already - his marraige certificate and he hasn't abided by that either.

The written agreement means nothing - there's no recourse for you whether he abides by it or not.

Can I ask why you want a open marraige? Not judging, it works for some, but it appears to be a "avoid divorce at any cost" arrangement rather than an open marraige that works for both people.

I can only echo what others have said, he’s been caught with his pants down and dressing it up as he thought it was ok because you had a hypothetical chat once about FWB.

And rather than you kicking his cheating arse to the kerb, you act like you’re happy to let him carry on shagging his OW as long as you all sign an agreement. Meanwhile, she’s his number one priority, he’s splashing your joint household income on her rather than his kids and you say it’s all great because you love each other.

Until in 6/12/18 months he leaves you for her because he’s happy and calm in her company rather than yours.

Seriously OP give your head a wobble. Hes a lying cheat who’s been caught out. Why on earth would you stay with this man? 👨

He want to have his cake and eat it.

What on earth makes him so special that two women are offering themselves up as cake?

@noblemilkyway nah! you are crazy to accept this!! he just wants to have his cake and eat it. what is in it for you? lonely weekends, dirty washing drudgery????

wtf

Jesus just dump the worthless , cheating piece of shit.

She's 15 years younger and only has one child;I guarantee she'll not be satisfied with being the OW and she'll want another kid and a wedding ring.

He's having his cake and eating it after trading you up for a younger model literally in front of you.

Most people have marriage counselling not a bloody open marriage where one party doesn't know they're in an open marriage until after the husband has been fucking someone else for a while.

Your husband wants an open marriage because it's cheaper than a divorce;he doesn't love you;he's using you.

Your husband is a sad cliche.

You need to make an appointment with a solicitor asap and start quietly make your plans to end this absolute farce of a marriage.

You deserve so much more than this bullshit.

Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed

Shes not a business partner op. It’s totally inappropriate and plain weird.

Its over. You need to accept it and move on.

What a farce of a relationship...you chose open relationship so don't expect sympathy when it goes not the way you wanted

It will never work. Open marriages require trust and respect.

Pull off the plaster and end your marriage. He checked out a long time ago.

I don't know why you're putting yourself through this to be honest... I am generally not traditionalist however you say you've had years of unhappiness and now he's deceived you for a year - having an open relationship to me isn't a marriage - to the exclusion of all others and all that...

You could love and care for each other and probably have a far more functional/calm relationship eventually if you considered separation amicably - hopefully you'll find a resolution which isn't just about your husband having his cake and eating it...

What do you get out of this 'relationship'?

He's asking you to give him your blessing for being a louse.

Your marriage us already over. He just doesn't want the hassle or expense of a divorce.

Tell him you need a trial separation to get your head straight and he needs to move into hers. Meanwhile, see a solicitor and get your ducks in order. And sort your head out. You will miss him like hell at first, then, living in peace you won't and you'll be happy.

I would tell him that you want to open up your marriage completely and that the best way to do that is divorce. That way both of you are totally free to be with anyone of your choosing.

Penny to a pound he starts whingeing.

Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed

Yeah that's NEVER going to happen

I know that some will not agree with me, but I personally think that open or polyamorous relationships are never a good idea. In my opinion they are doomed to fail.
Do you have children? If not, I would immediately take steps to improve my independence in practical and financial ways, and consider carefully on what terms you are interested in continuing a sexual or emotional relationship.
If you have children with this man I suggest you go to see a solicitor immediately to get help with the best way to achieve detaching yourself from him.
Because your OH has already begun a relationship with another woman, it seems pretty clear that you are not his priority and painful as it is, you need to protect yourself and get out. If you don’t, there is a risk he will continue using you for sex.

This is a ridiculous situation. Get some self-respect and bin the loser, please.

Why don't you separate before it goes horribly wrong.
That was you can both shaggabout as much as you like and your kids have two parents who don't hate each other.