Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

@noblemilkyway this isn't going to work. Nothing you put in writing will change the fact your DH is a ratbag who has already mentally checked out of the marriage.

What will happen is he will spend more and more time with OW until he gets fed up paying for 2 households and then he will dump you and leave you flailing in the wind because you matter the least to him.

And that right there is why a poly relationship cannot work for your marriage. There is no respect, love or trust.

He is a liar, cheat and selfish.

I know you think you love him now but that part of you is clinging to the version he used to be before he shagged someone else. Its just taking your heart time to catch up with your logical mind.

You know deep down he doesn't love you back the way a husband should.

You know deep down that you are worth more but change is scary and your life is comfy right now.

Please just end it. Move on and find real, genuine happiness again with a partner who will look at you the way a toddler eyes up a chocolate cake. You deserve that level of desire, happiness and love.

Not read the whole thread but I have read the OP.

I don't know much about open relationships.

But as an outsider and commenting on the type of psychology I observe in most relationships where I am aware that there have been problems, once men in particular (sorry if this sounds sexist but I do truly believe it) get the message however it is packaged (under a written "Open marriage agreement" right through to just being caught in a one night stand and the wife taking him back) that they will still have the wife /partner in some form of acceptable committed relationship notwithstanding that they are having sex with someone else, its like a blank cheque. You will never row back from it. And any boundaries in the written agreement will be pushed further. You will find yourself back here again as a result of what you consider to be a betrayal which thing he will argue was agreed upon by you in the open marriage agreement.

Sorry.

In other words you are both scared to leave the comfort and reassurance of a long term relationship and are willing to sacrifice your happiness too.

He doesn’t want to be the one to leave but wants to see this other woman too. He is not seriously stupid enough to accidentally do things in the wrong order

She is providing the happiness, peace and romance … and you’re still considering staying “married”. You're basically his live in childcare and friend, a disrespected friend he has no problem lying to.

What are your reasons for staying in this relationship?

WTF have I just read? He had a secret affair for a year and says you should have realised that when you and he talked about it one time that he meant he was going to go ahead with it and say nothing?

Don't expect a cheat and a woman who sleeps with married men to sign anything and mean one word of it.

An open relationship is just that - open. He had a secret affair, not an open relationship.

I know what I'd do - leave the skanky pair to enjoy life together.

I wouldn’t have thought an open relationship involved an affair partner. You know once your children are old enough he will leave you for her right? If you’re happy with that then go for it.

My thoughts, you are being ridiculous. Open marriages don’t work in the main. One party always always ends up hurt, and that’s if you both go in eyes open from the start

in this case he has had an affair, he has not been open with you about the OW until he had to be and is not claiming open marriage

He has already lied to you for a long time, that’s a betrayal in itself and shows me that actually he doesn’t love or care for you, he is only thinking about himself

get some self respect and leave

He didn’t for a minute think it was ok or that you had agreed it. If he had he wouldn’t have hid it. How come you haven’t been given the same opportunity during this time? Do you even want an open relationship? I don’t think there’s much here to salvage. Your oh and potentially the ow have both shown themselves dishonest for up to a year, you can’t go into any agreement with them and expect them to stick to it.

Yeh, he’s told you that he’s told her you and kids are his priority. You know he hasn’t done that.
Youre only agreeing to an open marriage to keep him as you know he’s going to have an affair anyway.
He is such an arsehole to have cheated first and then told you before you’ve agreed. Sounds like the perfect life for him.
Do you really think you can lie next to him and have sex with him knowing he’s siad someone else makes him happy? Are you going to have your own boyfriend and do you really think he’ll accept that?

Sounds like he’s testing the waters with this woman before he decides whether to bin you. This really doesn’t sound like a friends with benefits situation.

at the very least I would start getting my ducks in a row so if he does decide the grass is greener you aren’t left on the back foot.

You already have a legal agreement with him in the form of your marriage, that you are entitled to end via divorce proceedings due to his adultery.

Don't give up the dignity of that option by inviting his mistress to sign an unenforceable document, with the implicit implication that she can shag your husband guilt-free, and him, her.

In fact, I wonder how this document might impact future divorce proceedings tbh. You need to dump the couples therapist too.

I'm normally a bit more nuanced on infidelity threads, but this really is an instance where the cheating couple have been caught with their pants down and are asking for the primary cheated-on partner to validate their betrayal, which is absolutely horrible.

"he herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH"

with a cynical pair of glasses on, the above is the most perfect scenario imaginable for your husband isn't it?

(1) Woman is 15 years younger than him - the universal fantasy of all married middle aged men
(2) Woman is divorced - check, no angry husband of other woman in the frame
(3) Woman has a child but knows that your husband is not wanting to divorce you - check! woman will be preoccupied with childcare most of the time but knows not to expect your husband to step up to be any type of serious/full time father figure to her child
(4) Woman is willing to sign some kind of open marriage agreement you ask for - please please don't humiliate yourself with putting something on the table infront of this woman like this (let alone your husband). I don't want to be mean but she will just laugh behind your back. She is already having sex with your husband. Probably on her terms. And if not on her terms, she his having sex with your husband on your husband's terms. She is not going to look at your wishes in any way with any kind of inclination on her part to give you what you want. I guarantee it.

You are asking peoples opinions.
In reality, if you are asking then you're not ready to leave.
You are not seeing what the truth is (he's cheated and lied for a year) and that he's gaslighting you (I did it in the wrong order, soz).
The freedom programme is there when you're ready 🌺

You need to walk away from this relationship. His idea of an open marriage is obviously going to be he keeps you in reserve while he goes off and shags whoever he fancies.

You deserve better.

Any thoughts @noblemilkyway ?

OMG you are such a mug. Nobody NOBODY in this situation gives a shit about you. How are you letting them treat you like this? Who made you believe you have no value and that nothing you want is important. Come on. If you can’t see from the strength of feeling in these replies god help you. One day, it’ll be the day before you die and fuck me you’ll have regrets.

Surely you deserve more in life op its short to be second best to someone. The only benefit I see is your husbands.

What are other’s thoughts ?

My first thought is that your self£esteem and self-worth are at rock bottom and you need help to get back on track.

If you can manage that, you will surely be able to see that your husband hasn’t had your best interests at heart for a long time, so what is the point in remaining married to him.
He has lied and he has cheated and he has betrayed you and he is using your joint finances to impress his lover. He has told you he has found the one.. That must be really hurting you, yet you prefer not to acknowledge the hurt and damage he is causing and just want him to keep him happy. Why is that ?

He won’t stick to a formal contract …he’s way beyond that already it seems, he simply does what he wants when he wants. And OW would surely laugh at the very suggestion of signing a worthless piece of paper at this stage of the game. They have moved on and left you way behind.

What about your happiness ?
He checked out last year. Let him go. More importantly, set yourself free !
But make sure you work on finding out what sort of life you would like to lead going forward. And then have the courage to go for it regardless of him. it’s not so lonely if you can get the first few steps of the process behind you. You will gather strength along the way.
Good luck OP.

Hi we have a poly relationship. Works well for us. Happy to discuss in direct message but not here.

“Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed”

please read this back to yourself and listen to how silly it sounds. Move on from him, this isn’t a relationship

The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

This is beyond weird. Your open marriage arrangements really aren't her problem. And what do you think a piece of paper is going to achieve? It's not like it's going to be legally binding.

our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer)

DH and I still love and care for each other

LOL. No, you don't. If you've had five years of anger, divorce threats and wanting to leave, you do not love each other and you shouldn't be together.

What a ridiculous, toxic mess.

I've seen open relationships work fantastically. I've also seen them just prolonging the pain of separation. It will not prop up an unhappy marriage, it will just highlight even more problems.

Your husband cheated. There is no open without actually being open. You cannot consent to something you know nothing about. Relationships opened after cheating have even less chance of working. Especially with the woman he cheated on you with.

How will you ever trust what he's saying? Will he keep you in the loop with what is going on? How much family money is he spending on another relationship? Can you trust that he's practicing safe sex even if he says he is, and not putting your health at risk? What if he gets his other partner (for want of a better term) pregnant? What if you get pregnant by someone else? Do you want to see other people? There is so much to discuss and come to agreements on, even if you're not including 'rules' that to dive in head first without even telling you is more than a red flag, its an emergency exit sign.

I wonder how he'll feel when your fucking someone else. Will you get the opportunity or are you doing the parenting while he's up to his nuts in someone else? How many days free time a week will you have to shaggy other people?

I'm pretty open and wouldn't be adverse to an open marriage. Unfortunately, he's been cheating for a year. He hasn't been open or honest. If he thought you'd be cool with it he would have mentioned it and her a year ago. He's kept her a secret for a reason. He's now acting like you consented and blaming you because he's a gaslighting prick as well as a cheat.

😭 OP, find your dignity. Wth?

Well I would argue that anyone who treats you like that does not really love you or care about you. I would also question why you think putting things in writing would be honored since he decided to step outside your relationship initially anyway so why do you think he would respect "written rules"? You're entitled to stay with him of course but my advice is do not have any expectations of how things will go and lower your standards a great deal.