Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

I don't care about what this twisted weird thing going on with the adults is - what on earth effect is it having on children?

She doesn't want more kids...She's on the pill....

Yeah right

Surprise accident baby he will be leaving you for in 3....2....1...

It’s over. He’s a cheater and a gaslighting jerk and needs to go in the bin

Personally I wouldnt get involved with a failed couples 'open marriage' (all the responsibilites /sexual demands none of the home life/financial security/option of having a family or meeting familys/spending holidays together)

Let alone sign on to any deranged, effectively ex-wifes 'contract' to basically stay away from the house, kids, money ect.

I feel bad for the women hes seeing as he would have known she was not going to be onboard with it unless he'd roped her in beforehand & would have potentially become a cuckhold with a wife having another man muscling in on his homelife if he'd started from scratch after the agreement was in place.

I can't stop thinking about this.

Your comment about how you know it's wrong but it's done now and you both want to move on is quite frankly chilling.

What other heinous things could he tell you he'd done that you'd be so happy to overlook because you 'love and care for each other'

If your counsellor does not express very serious concerns about your state of mind and what is happening then god help you.

How can you create rules after the event? Won’t they all be in his favour? He has already established the precedent that you can go a whole year without telling dp about a new lover. A whole year! This means that he can drop feed information as he desires. What will be next? That he has developed feelings for the ow? Which is inevitable after a whole year. When he says she makes him happy and calm it implies that you made him miserable. Don’t bother with writing rules with this fucker. Get your ducks in a row and create your own rules for an exit plan to your own happiness.

So he gets to:

• whitewash an affair
• Keep seeing a woman with whom he is in a relationship with your blessing
• Keep his comfortable life and not have to shell out for a divorce which even if you are well off will be financially damaging

I can see what's in it for him but what is in it for you OP?

I think open relationships can work for a time provided that the side action is just sex, The second it is an actual relationship, which this is, someone (you OP) will be ignoring their own feelings and deprioritising their hurt to save a marriage in which their partner is not fully invested. Doesn't seem a great way to live and the couple of times I've seen people attempt this it has ended with the husband leaving with the other woman, in one case because the wife had had enough.

Save yourself a lot of pain and end this relationship.

Your husband cheated and showed you a complete lack of respect.

People who are in open relationships first discuss opening the relationship and then go ahead with it and finding new lovers with both partners' agreement and knowledge. This is a very different story...

You can't trust that man and you should not do this to try to save your marriage.

I would say work on your self-esteem and make a fresh start.

It is likely that this relationship would end anyway because the other woman will end up wanting to have your partner with her full time.

Also if you have kids this is not a good example of relationships to give them...

Also if you have kids this is not a good example of relationships to give them...

On this point, my teenagers would be absolutely horrified if they thought their father didn't treat me well. Having a full on affair and manipulating me into accepting it by pretending I had some sort of control over the situation would fall pretty neatly into this category.

He wants his cake and to eat it, and he's manipulating you to get it. He'll end up with two wives at this rate and probably introduce a third when he gets bored again.

You only have to browse the internet for boundaries around an open relationship and you can see he's crossed just about all of them already.

I think open relationships can work when they are part of an overarching life philosophy. Not when they are brought in as a fix

Particularly when they’re brought in by one party who wants to cheat and agreed to by the other simply to save the marriage.

If OP is in England - open marriage, and whatever paper you sign as rules for your other relationships will have no bearing on their divorce and asset division.
Financial settlements here are not affected by ‘fault’ - as in whether divorce is due to affair or not makes no difference.
Equally - polygamy is not recognised - so any other party to the marriage has no claims on any assets.
But that is not an issue here, really.

MN is not the best place to ask for advice for non-traditional relationship advice, even if OP and her H were just thinking of embarking on it.

I cannot believe that you are prepared to go along with this - what can there possibly be for you in it? Are you so blinkered/fooled by what sounds like a deeply unpleasant man that you are prepared to do it? Are you too worried about losing your comfortable lifestyle - just what? And how can you have any self-respect or cares for your children? Do you think the children won't know - because they will! The likelihood is that (as previous poster has said) the other women will get pregnant or he'll decide he wants to be with her fulltime. Your self-esteem will be on the ground by then - it will have destroyed you.

And your comment about sex being more frequent now - ugh! Of course it is, he's getting a tremendous kick out of having two women dancing attendance on him! How can you even consider having sex with this shit knowing what scheme he's hatched? The only place I'd be going now is to the clinic, to get checked out. How many other women will join his 'hareem' given time? Three? Four? More? Wake up and smell the coffee, OP, this has disaster written all over it - and you are pathetically trying to cling to this weasel. It really makes you cringe that any woman today would tolerate behaviour like this.

I'd be interested to see the 'written agreement' between the parties - and even more interested to know how it's going to be enforced!! What a completely stupid thing to even contemplate, any 'agreement' like this has no 'legs', it's not worth the toilet paper it's written on, OP.

Edited to say: one thing you could put your money on is that any 'rules' will be in the husband's favour right the way down the line

With a bit of luck the ow will read the contract, laugh and tell them both to bugger off back to the land of reality unless she also has no morals and is just after a good time being showered by her sugar daddy with holidays, gifts, clothes, meals out.

The DH has just agreed to this to keep OP quiet. It’s not as if he has any intention of enforcing them.

Imagine even trying to explain it to them.

There’s a reason open relationships are called open and it not because someone is sneaking off having an affair.

MN is not the best place to ask for advice for non-traditional relationship advice, even if OP and her H were just thinking of embarking on it.

But it's an excellent place to ask for advice if you're in a relationship with a man who treats you like shit. As is the case here.

Exactly this.
My ex H tried to do this to me but I called his bluff by getting a good solicitor and sending him his divorce papers.
Frankly he showed his true colours by caring more about money and property than anything else.
His mistress was welcome to him IMO.

GET RID OF HIM.

Indeed this

Does he remember the marriage vows?
He's a cheating turd
And he's pretending it's OK with a load of false logic and bare faced cheek
What a slippery snake
Like the pp said, I'm sure one as slippery as this can justify rape, theft, murder, fraud, the whole lot.

MN is not the best place to ask for advice for non-traditional relationship advice, even if OP and her H were just thinking of embarking on it.

The OP is/was in a traditional relationship. She's posted on here because her DH has broken the vows associated with that. He's gaslighting her into an "open relationship". He's essentially forcing her into it, because he's already done it. This is not to do with traditional v non traditional. This is to do with dishonesty and manipulation.

TBH I can think of little that is more traditional than a marriage where the man does what he wants and the woman tries to quash her instincts and boundaries. This is just a different flavour of the same crap .

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it to me.