Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

As I understand it successful polyamorous / open relationships start from a position of both partners being absolutely happy and rock solid secure in the relationship.

You say your marriage has struggled for 5 years. This is about you keeping DH happy rather than you wanting similar opportunities? And far from doing this in full communication with you and with your trust, he has gone behind your back and had an affair for months.

Bollocks did he think it was within the (not yet agreed) agreement. Did he voluntarily tell you about it or did you find out / suspect?

This sounds like manipulating you into giving him permission to have an affair and let her off the hook from being the OW while they continue shagging. They’ve been at it for months without an ‘agreement’, what will change / why would they suddenly comply?

OK so you care for each other. You can be good parents and work well as friends and co parents without staying together.

OP, think what YOU want and don’t want. Don’t just react to what he wants. Who gets to eat your cake? While he gets to have his cake and eat it?

Is this how little you value yourself? He's had an affair and you're OK with it and now giving him a free pass to continue. Just divorce already, this is no life.

God this sounds awful. Really fucking awful. I can't even imagine being in such an unhappy relationship. This is so fucked up and wonder what has happened you to be even considering staying.

You both need to be happy with this agreement. Just make sure you aren’t agreeing for the wrong reasons.

Thoughts on the situation? I think you're a mug.

Get some self respect and get rid of him. He doesn't love or care for you - he just sees how fucking expensive a divorce would be, and it's handier to have you at home washing his dirty pants and skivvying whilst he gets to shag around.

It's your marriage, not retrospective planning permission for a dodgy extension!

He can't "do it in the wrong order."

He has deceived you while shagging some young lass for a year. That you know know about it doesn't mean he hasn't betrayed, misled and disrespected you in the most fundamental way.

I cannot see what benefit there is for you in this hellish situation.

Book an STD test and check that he hasn’t compromised your health.

Talk to a solicitor and consider what your options might be if you were to split. Having a grown up discussion about this with a professional who is charged to protect your best interests might give you a different picture than the one you’ve discussed.

Many men don’t want to risk a divorce until they’ve feathered their new nest and you may find that you are suddenly expendable. You might think you’re in an open marriage but actually you’re just in a convenient holding pattern while he considers his options.

It will never work. Open marriages require trust and respect.

I agree with @MissusKay
There is no way he didn’t know him going behind your back was ok. That’s just an excuse.

Besides, even if you agree on rules and guidelines, what’s telling you he will comply and not do something else?

Yu have bigger issues than an open marriage there and I’d concentrate on that during couple counselling. How is your dh going to rebuild the trust abd respect he has shattered by having an OW? And she was an OW if he never mentioned her to you.

Nah your husband doesn't want to divorce you not because of love and shit but financially! Far easier to keep you both (and anyone else he fancies a go on) dragging on than deal with the financial implications of divorce.

He doesn't love either of you but he does love putting his penis into vaginas.

Also, this OW is saying 'oooh yes I'll sign the document' which is essentially her choice of music to do the pick me dance to - in reality, she hasn't got any intention of sticking to it! Who would?!

This isn't an open marriage, it's a failing one.

Sorry OP but he won't stop being a twat because you've got something "in writing". Whatever boundaries and rules you want will be trodden on because he doesn't care enough about you.

DO yourself a favour and free yourself of this relationship. It's only going to drag you down.

If I was the OW and I was presented with a contract to sign I would tell you to fuck off with your contract. The arrogance of it!

Sorry, but these rules and boundaries in ‘open relationships’ about the relationships with other partners is just unrealistic nonsense. If your spouse starts to see other people you do not get to dictate what feelings develop between them. All that is out if your control. That is between them.

If you are unhappy with that, don’t enter in an ‘open marriage’.

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm

What makes him happy and calm is being able to do what he likes without considering anyone else. It takes a special kind of twat to find that sort of situation pleasing and relaxing.

My honest thoughts are that your relationship is over. She is fifteen years younger. Still young enough to have children I would presume? I will predict she will fall pregnant and he will move into a house with her where they will raise the child together. If it were me would be finding a SHL and making plans to divorce and get my assets out.

Your agreement is completely pointless, he has already shown your feelings and you know that pretty big 'marriage' agreement you made aren't important to him. Open marriages can absolutely work, where there is a rock solid relationship underneath and complete trust. You have neither. Everyone deserves a lot more than this sham of a half life you seem to be trying to weave.

Raise your standards up off the floor just the tiniest bit and split up. Honestly. 🙄

I am poly, have been most of my adult life.

I tell my existing partner(s) that I am interested in getting to know someone new and feel it could be a romantic/sexual connection BEFORE I do anything more with the new person than I would do with any platonic friend (ie before it moves to more than conversation). We discuss it and agree boundaries respectfully and mutually.

I expect the same from my partners, that they tell me before anything happens. It's a respectful thing to do.

He's cheated on you for a year.
He didn't in the least "think it was ok" - that's just the excuse now he's gotten serious enough about her to tell you.
You already don't come first to him, he wants his cake and eating it. He won't stop seeing her, though he might lie to you that he will.

So all you can do is decide if you'll tolerate it. For me, the lack of respect he's shown would make that a no.

And "relationship agreements" - honestly, I would laugh and roll my eyes. As between a couple, you should be able to discuss, agree and respect your agreements. An unenforceable contract will make no difference to that.

As the OW in this scenario (which I wouldn't be, but conceptually) if someone tried to get me to sign this, I'd laugh - what's between you in your relationship is not her problem. The problem is that you can't trust your partner to stick to what you agree.

I do meet and talk to my partners' other partners (the term is metamours), but that is because we care that everything is honest, open and above board - I can't, and wouldn't, sign up to be accountable for dynamics and agreements in relationships other than my own.

What's the real reason why you can't separate? Is it financial?

Step back OP and look at this objectively. Is this what you thought marriage would be like? Is this what you want out of life?

All the time you were wondering about what might help with your difficult marriage he has been shagging someone else. For ages. At best he's keeping you warm until it's full steam ahead with her. At worst she'll be one of many more in the future.

So your DH was having an affair and then naming it open marriage when you had not agreed on it. I cannot see this ending well for you.

I guess he earns a lot of money?

honestly just no way - open marriages fine if that’s what you want but that’s not what you got

he had an affair

Just get divorced. Because this is fucked.

Sorry but he doesn’t still love you, he’s been cheating on you for a long time and until now he hasn’t been open about it at all. Why would you want an open relationship with someone who has already lied to you? Do you actually want to sleep with other people too or are you just agreeing to it to keep him happy?

If he thought it was fine then he would have told you when it started. This is not what being loved and cared for looks like at all, it’s very much what a lying cheating bastard looks like though.

I'm so sorry OP it just sounds like you are being played by both of them. They are both having their cake and eat it.

You want OW to sign your agreement😂😂

This place gets more fucking barmey each day