Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

I'd think he's keeping you as a matter of convenience and will dump and run when he's ready. This is not how open relationships work.

He is the breadwinner.
He is okay with going down the divorce route
Kids are grown and the youngest will be leaving for uni in September.
If all goes well (or not) we will tell the children.

Just bin him. Seriously he's taking you for a fool. He KNEW you wouldn't be ok with it but he did it anyway. Find someone new, whether you want that new relationship to be open or monogamous is up to you. But go into it with open eyes and on your own terms, this isn't on your own terms. He's just a cheating bastard.

You don't WANT an open marriage.

You're doing this to try keep a cheating partner.

Do you really think he'll let you date others? No chance! Certainly not without making you out to be in the wrong to do so.

Stop twisting yourself and contortions yourself into someone you don't want to be for thos waste of oxygen of a man.

Newsflash, he will leave you anyway. He will use this opportunity to do so. To try other women without even having to worry about hiding it. And then leave once he's found a sap he prefers to you.

You say 'we' a lot but the truth is, this js all about 'him' and 'you'. Not we. You constantly contortions trying to make him happy when he will never be happy. And him making these demands of you and conning you into thinking you actually think they are a good idea.

Wake up and stop drinking the cool aid! It's poison. He's poison.

This is batshit.

is your esteem really so low that you tolerate this nonsense?

please ditch and find yourself someone who respects you and isn’t taking the blatant piss out of you.

'He is okay with going down the divorce route.'

Surely the marriage is over after one half, particularly the half who is openly shagging somebody else, has said that?

Edit: Not meaning to come across as too harsh, as obviously that is very sad and unfair on you for him to bugger off as soon as the children you raised have left home, but... come on!

Whose anger, and what was it about?

If it's yours about the fact that he won't adult (in all its various forms) then you are right to be angry. Having an open relationship is just more not-adulting from him, so leave.

Make sure your enabling him to have the career he has had by doing everything else is reflected in the settlement.

Er...what? You are wondering whether you should accept that your husband has effectively taken a second wife? It's not an open relationship. It's him, having a sugar baby whilst being married to you!

The OW already knows that there would be a relationship agreement.
I supposed she doesn't have to sign or we cannot agree to the terms of the relationship. I understand that the agreement is not enforceable but it's based on trust.

Tell the children what? Daddy is shagging another woman but its okay because I lurve him and he brings home the money. What exactly will this Contract say, "I promise to fuck xxxxx and no one else, from this day forward, in sickness and in health"

We still love and care for each other.
There are things that I can't give him that he feels he can get from the OW.
We still have sex and we talk more.
I think the issue that started years ago was the lack of communication (on his part) and me feeling like I'm being taken for granted.

But how is him being allowed to shag somebody else, after he has lied about it, going to improve the communication issues he has, and make you feel less like you are being taken for granted?!

What exactly is she giving him that you aren't, if you are still having a sexual relationship, that a friendship couldn't?

He's okay with me finding someone else.
I think it's because we've been together for so long and our relationship got stale.
In a way, having other people in our lives would enrich each of us separately and together.

What can't you give him that this ow can? Apart from an sti.

He’s still taking you for granted, so that hasn’t changed.

He’s been cheating on you, you’ve decided to call it an open relationship. But if it had been you’d have known about it.

Why not just accept this is over and find someone who doesn’t dick about?

This is horrid for you. I don't think it can work, sorry. What I suggest is that instead of attending a mediator with your H to work out this agreement, you attend alone to find your anger and identify your emotions about all this. I think if you do that you will find that you can't stay with him under these circs. But if you don't find that - really, truly, after you've been honest with yourself - great, crack on.

I don't know what the OW will do.
I know that DH said he will be sad if she left him.

But you cant trust him. You can't have an agreement with him because he's shown he'll break whatever rules are in it. He doesn't care a jot about you op and you need to stop telling yourself that he does. You're being your iwwn worst enemy here.

She's highly unlikely to sign anything either. Anyone remotely sane would scoff at such nonsense.

Open relationships happen but they depend on both parties being open, honest, dependable, doing everything in their power never to hurt the primary partner. This guy is and does none of these things.

And it's not an open relationship agreement you are negotiating if its only him allowed to or that would shag about. It's a 'here are the specific ways you can treat me like shit' agreement.

Till it got serious for one of you and then you divorce anyway.

What on earth do you plan on telling the kids? (who must have noticed the unhappiness)

It can only get really, really messy

But he still isn't communicating with you and you are being taken for granted.
Does he care for you because he isn't treating you that way at all. If you had a serious illness would he drop her and stay and look after you? Or would he leave and move in with her?

The key to this is if you were to have a lover would he be ok with it and continue as you are or would he not be ok, because if he wouldn't be ok then this is just cheating with your knowledge

What is in this for you? Do you have a very nice house in a nice area you couldn't afford alone - that's the only reason I can think of to stay.

I suppose an open marriage was something we talked about last year as possibly a way of still be married but also injecting a bit of spice into our lives.

I've read all the updates and I believe you are genuinely just burying your head in the sand. I have no opinions about open marriages if done in the right way. However, you know that he is bullshitting right? He knew exactly what he was doing when he betrayed you. He just didn't want to risk you saying no so thought he would help himself.
He doesn't love you. He just doesn't. He has behaved so disrespectfully I just can't see why you would put up with this. He doesn't mind if you get divorced or stay together. Have you heard yourself? That's not love!

Have you actually discussed this with your marriage counsellor?

It is still unclear why you need 'spice', when the original issue was poor communication and you feeling taken for granted?

Nope.

This is abysmal. What an horrendous example to set to your children. Degenerate behaviour, makes a mockery of marriage. If you still love each other then you need to drag yourselves back within the bounds of a marriage where decency, honesty, respect and some kind of a moral code features. Or divorce. You both deserve much better than the travesty of a mess you are digging yourselves into. Draw the line and make a new beginning either way, you must know in you heart that you are standing at the entry of an alleyway that stinks and no one in their right mind would turn into.