Given a choice, I wonder whether a lot of women would prefer to live on their ‘own’ whilst remaining in a relationship?

[BigButtons]

Many of my friends ( marriages/ long term relationships now over) won’t countenance living with a partner again. They are happy to be in relationships but don’t want to share a house on a full time basis.
just wondering whether lots of women feel this way?

I can understand what you mean

Although this bit is not a given: the focus has to be on their feelings and to a certain extent hide my own

I’ve lived with the same man for forty two years. I’m going to miss him very much if he dies before me ( which is probable).

But we have both had interesting and lucrative careers, and for the last thirty years we have each had a room of our own in our houses, where we can pursue our own work or interests. We tend to meet for meals, to go shopping, we share some interests which give us something to talk about, we have separate interests as well.

Yes , yes , he is not as tidy as me, but he would say, I am a procrastinator, especially about finances ….he doesn’t seem to know what we are going to eat, but he will always cook something if I ask him to.

I rather dread living without him, tbh.

I was married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Separated/divorced for 5years now and a new partner of 4 years. Mutually (I think), we do not want to live together for the foreseeable future as I have an 8 year old living with me full time and he has 2 boys of 9 and 12 living 30 miles away with their mother.

We both have full lives and are financially independent of each other. (When I say that I THINK it is a mutual decision, I imagine he would happily move in with me if I wasn't a full time mother of a young child and I could then offer him more focus or attention - I could be wrong)

Anyway, literally ALL of my friends and family members ask me when we are moving in together!!! We holiday together, our kids hang out together and we spend lots of happy times together and equally apart with friends/family etc
In my personal situation - I think us NOT living together is why our relationship works at the moment.

Can I see myself living with him when my child has grown up? I'm unsure. 5 years now of living alone. I adore my own space and freedom. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can stay in bed until noon (when my son is with his father), I can play loud music, MY MUSIC, whenever I want. I don't HAVE to do anything at the expectations of anyone else!!

If my new partner lived next door - that would be the PERFECT scenario in my opinion.

DH and I have had this conversation recently. Much as I love being married to him and enjoy his company, it was a big transition for me when he first moved in and I am a lot older now and would not be doing all that again. A 'companion' to take me to the theatre and dinner would be nice if I ever found myself single again but living with someone, God no!

This thread has been really helpful. I realise that I do love having my own house and I do look forward to the evenings when I can just suit myself.

I have 4 bedrooms. One for me, one for my son. One for my other son who currently lives away from home but comes home to visit. He is only 16 and away doing apprentiship so needs somewhere to come back to. The last bedroom is rented out to a female lodger as my mortgage went up so high. So I can afford to keep the house and a bedroom for each of my boys even though they don't live there. So financially due to the lodger it's probably roughly the same as if I had a partner.
In my situation I don't see how I could live with someone who also had for example 2 kids as then we would need a huge place with a bedroom for each of the kids. It would be a huge hassle and then in a few
Years we would have several empty bedrooms when the kids move out. I find it difficult managing everything by myself and wish I had someone to help fix things even if that just involved calling a plumber when I was busy but ultimately there is the concern that they would cause more jobs than they would actually resolve. So on the fence really but no one wants to live with me anyway

I’m a woman who has lived with two female partners over the years.

Space was always very limited, so there were regular annoyances and I craved time to myself, but somehow couldn’t stomach living alone or being single.

Now after the end of a relationship with a woman who turned out to be not only very controlling, but had an aversion to cleaning, I’m beginning to change my approach.
Living with her had b the end become so very stressful.
She could be incredibly grumpy for no apparent reason once the honeymoon phase had worn off.
We split finances, but she had more outgoings, so I was not actually really any better off.
On the other hand, she was great at life admin, but I did not actually need anything managed for me, it was great she was a whizz at doing her own stuff.
In the end, I realised the relationship was of no benefit to me, whilst it was extremely beneficial for her, not unlike the many stories of living with men in this thread!

I regret all the years that I didn’t know how to be alone. Now that I am comfortable with this, and do NOT want a partner, it has seemed to make me somehow more eligible, it’s very strange. Human beings can be very contrary.

The trick has been to learn to be able to comfort and reassure myself and recognise my own value and internal power, thus not needing a partner.

I would now consider a partner a pleasant addition when the time is right, rather than an emotional and financial drain.

The pleasant addition can keep their own home and do their own washing and stay out of my safe-haven!

Its been one of the biggest gifts of my life to come to this realisation.

I hope I’m not becoming a misanthrope!

Don’t they say the longer you spend alone the weirder or more eccentric you might become… how have other posters found this?

Tell her to read breeding in captivity. Moving in can be a sex life killer!

Financially, I could live on my own but I really don't want to. I think the key for me is that we each maintain separate hobbies/friends so we're not on top of each other.

This is such an interesting thread as it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Been with DP for 8 years, we live an hour apart, both in our 50s but it’s never really been practical to consider moving in together. Partly because we each work near where we live, also I didn’t want to disrupt DDs life although she’s moved out now.

Relatively early in our relationship I used to get very worried about the lack of talk around moving in, probably because I thought that was ‘normal’. As time has gone on, I’ve learned more about myself and actually enjoy living alone. Obviously I miss him (sometimes!) and sometimes I feel like being a strong independent woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I wish there was someone here to take the bins out 😀

something I’m currently finding a bit upsetting is that I feel my elderly parents, particularly DM regard my relationship as not really significant because we live apart. I live some distance from them so it’s not as if they meet DP much, but there have been a couple of times where they haven’t included his name on cards, or invited him to events that’s made me feel sad. Ironically, over 30 years when I moved in with the man I went on to marry, that was frowned on too. I never seem to get it quite right.

I am realising more and more that my Oh is simply emotionally completely unavailable. I am am having to re think everything.

AntHedge · 17/01/2024 21:35

DH works away so I get a taste of this every week. I like the on /off routine.

After 30 years it's great, but I'll never live with anyone else.
I hear the single men at work, older men get some weird ideas of how women think. And honestly at my age I couldnt be arsed to impress anyone.
My divorced and remarried BIL is alway in need of a 'nurse with a purse' he always needs a housekeeper and someone to hold up a mirror so he can watch himself do his hobbies. Can't cope without the praise whether he's making a cup of tea or fixing some guttering, someone always has to be there.

I empathise. People like that are exhausting. My OH was the same until after decades of putting up with it, I made it crystal clear that I did not want to mother him, pick up after him, baby him or praise every bloody move he made. I told him it was a complete and utter turn off and I did not want to be married to a giant man baby. So far it's worked. Though I did down tools and chuck him out into the spare room so he was absolutely clear that I was totally done with his whole stupid pile of attention-seeking shit.

Why older?

@BigButtons It might be helpful to read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

I had a partner who I thought was emotionally unavailable and read the book to try and understand him better...OMG what an eye opener😱

I then realised that my husband was also emotionally unavailable and I was the common denominator...definitely worth reading to understand why you chose to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.

I've had counselling now and that book pushed me to do it and I'm so grateful.

Thank you- I will check that out. I am working on myself a lot regarding this- also having counselling. Yes- I pick these men. However, the more I work on myself the less attractive I find him.

Oh right, you know my ex, don't you?

I absolutely would do this, if i could have houses next door with access to both from inside that would be my dream.

It won't surprise you to learn that 4 months after I'd finished a 6 month stint of counselling things ended between us.

At the time my partner told me he couldn't see any difference in me and counselling was a waste of time. I told him it was all in my head so of course he couldn't see it🙄

I was better able to state my needs and wants after counselling and he didn't like that as he liked the status quo hence things came to a head when I realised he couldn't give me what I wanted.

Although I was devastated it was definitely the right thing to happen and I'm so much happier and have been able to state my wants and needs while dating.

@SortingItOut that’s such a hopeful tale. I have just ordered the book.
we had another big argument last night. I told him I was no longer being in a relationship with someone so emotionally unavailable and unprepared to work on their issues.
He is fully aware what he does, but does nothing. I told him he didn’t need to keep pulling away because there was no nothing for him to pull away from.
I was no longer joining in with the drama. It was boring and painful and I wasn’t interested

I've lived on my own with my DD (she is currently 12) for the last 5 years. Mostly I've loved it but have met someone wonderful now and would very much like to see him every day rather than just on weekends. I want a cuddle on the sofa and someone to make me a coffee some mornings... I don't want to be alone any more.

I’m leaving my husband this gear and I will never ever ever live with another man. There is not one single benefit I can think of ! Men in my opinion are nothing more than an additional child who cause never ending stress. The only happy marriage I see if a lesbian couple I know 😂 the rest are all miserable snd the few who think their marriage is great unfortunately I know what their husbands have been up to and they have no clue.

So it will be a miracle if I even go near another man as unfortunately aside from my sons i am convinced there are no decent men anywhere at all.

No I wouldn't. I enjoy DH's company. I also enjoy the fact that he does lots of the domestic jobs including all the laundry! It's much more efficient. I like an occasional evening in on my own at home, but not a whole week and certainly not my whole life!

My oh worked away Monday to Friday, without fail, for 18 months. I really like him, enjoy his company, but having that space made me realise how happily I could live alone. He’s messy, noisy, always has to be touching me and I am the complete opposite. It’s so tidy and peaceful when he’s away and I’ve found it very difficult to readjust to him being home full time for the foreseeable. If I was ever to find myself single, I doubt there would be any eligible man that would sway me into cohabitation again.

I think if you trust this thread on face value, almost every woman is cleaner and tidier than almost every man.

Not sure about the relationship part at all tbh 😂