My fault or his? Should I still go on a date with him?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just an OLD one. I don't know I'm being oversensitive about this or not.

Matched with someone on OLD. Very handsome, very funny in messages. 15 years older than me though. I am in his city every week for work. It's 2 hours away but much bigger and livelier than where I live.

He asked if I could let him know the days each week I'm down in his city so he can book a nice dinner in advance etc.

Over Xmas We also had briefly talked about dating experiences so far/dates we had been on/going on.

I mentioned in this convo that I was due to go out with a rugby player (professional rugby/rugby union, so very well known team)

A week later he texted me to wish me a happy new year. Said he was looking forward to taking me out for dinner etc.

We were talking and I asked him what age his previous gf was ( I was curious as there is a 15 year age gap between him and I)

He said 43 ( only 2 years younger than him) and then said 27,23 , order of previous.

I said I thought 23 with 45 was a bit gross and he said

'Gross how so? Gross like being a wannabe footballers wag,'

Then he said 'selling her body for a claim to fame'

I said ' yea I do think it's gross a 23 year old with a 45 year old'

And he said that's your problem not mine,

I replied to the 'selling her body' comment and said 'who is that directed towards'

And he said 'it's what football wags do, rugby wags are the same'

I said 'ahh so that's a dig at me then'

Then he put a gif/meme of a pile of money!

That's it nothing since, obviously not overly nice of him to say....but was it my fault?

At the end of the day, it's not really my place to pass comment on his previous relationships! Perhaps I overstepped the mark?

What do you think? Should I send a message to break the ice/make a joke out of it?

OP you didnt say anywhere in your post that he asked you. Unless youve suddenly added that later on. Hence I commented via what you'd actually written. Whatever the case, I still don't see why you'd go into things that deeply with a new man. That type of conversation in new stage of getting to know each other - as you see, it does no good does it? Talking about exes and currents from the get go = nope. This isn't going anywhere beyond a thread all about him.

This, he's grim. And his response you to was shitty.

You were incredibly rude OP...and he was incredibly rude back. You deserve each other!

i once saw a post on mumsnet that said early in a new relationship say no to something. Dont give excuses, just a definite from but polite no. Complete sentence etc etc. that way you will see early on a reaction to firm boundaries / not getting what he wants.

here, early on, you called out his creepy behaviour (which seemingly wasn't enough of a red flag to end it), and his reaction was to insult you repeatedly. He failed this. Move on. Dont give him another thought. And learn from this not to overshare. Nobody needs those details at all.

@DeeCeeCherry - as you can see I've mentioned before, he asked me about my dating so far/dates planned etc

Wow.

she said him dating a woman 22 years younger than him was a bit gross. He called her a prostitute for dating a rugby player.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4944000-dating-thread-244

OP might be worth having a look at this thread.

It gives tips re OLD and overstating too early is definitely a red flag. Don't ask don’t tell is the best way forward in the early days.

Not sure why you’re wasting so much time and energy on a pretty crap bloke.

He's disgusting. I think he comes off far far worse here.

It all sounds a bit pathetic. You were boasting about dating a rugby player. He felt threatened and went for the jugular.

@IsThePopeCatholic - I wasn't boasting, he asked me if I was dating anyone and then asked me what their profession was. That's all.

But i agree the fact the guy is a rugby player does seem to have irritated him somewhat

She was boasting nothing, he asked her about her last date and what he did for a living, is she supposed to walk over eggshells and say he’s school teacher in order to not make him feel insecure? Personally a guy asking about my other OLD dates (or their personal details) is a massive red flag 🚩 I would have probably dodged the question and told him it’s none of his business, then watch him throw his toys out of the pram for establishing a boundary.

@@Disturbia81

That does happen a lot they prey on younger women, I wouldn’t get flattered by this, I would ignore them and focus on someone who is closer to your own age, that will take longer but worth it in the end.

What have you set your age range to?

@BlueGrey1 - I have set my age limit to 45/46 ....so about his age. I do have reasons for it though, not planning on children so obviously I need to be more open minded and consider people who are older and already have kids.

But yes I have noticed that I get asked out a lot by people that age, so they obviously have their age range set considerably younger.

@SamW98 - thank you for that link. I am going to have a good read as I clearly need help and guidance in this area

I had quite a few years of not dating, due to other issues and tbh I feel like the dating scene has changed a huge amount in that period of time...

Even the silly little turds when I was at school didn't behave as badly as some of these OLD men.

I’m single for first time since the early 90’s and so it’s a whole other world for me and a steep learning curve.

I’m not looking to date right now and didn’t find OLD an enjoyable experience but maybe in a few months I might dip my toe back in.

It's worth considering that many sorted and self assured women my age (47) will date men near their own age but not 15 years older for a very good reason. Just ewww and yuck.
Full disclosure, I have double standards because I'd date a man probably down to about 40 (and max 54-55 maybe)
TBH I'll probably just stay single because the mid 40s guys want younger women.
Make sure you don't get stuck with a man 15 years older than you now. Because he will still be 15 years older for the rest of his life.

@Lookingforunicorns

Yep at 55 the idea of dating a man of 70 is horrific.

My age range is ideally 50-60 however I got loads of messages from men in late 60’s and 70’s. Think the oldest was 79 - that’s a year younger than my dad ffs

I think you were incredibly rude, and yes he was too - after you. Neither are acceptable but his is at least more understandable. It’s no good saying oh I admit it but it’s ok to be rude as I own it afterwards…just don’t be. Don’t be judgemental about other people’s relationships.
My DP is twenty years older than me, I wish we had met when I was in my twenties as we would have had many more years together - we are just right for each other and he’s been my “one” in my 30s/40s/50s. Neither of us are disgusting.

The fact is, a mature (brain wise) man would have replied 'We were both adults, we liked eachother. Age didn't really factor in. But yes I'll admit she was a little too young for me in hindsight'.

But he actually took the opportunity to imply you were some goldigging hooker. That'll be why he is single.

Don't go on dates with men who take digs at you. Or like to argue. It's not 'just banter'. It's the predecessor to an abusive relationship.

Yes you were a bit cheeky to say what you did but it was still a valid point. It also worked in your favour as it showed you his true colours.

@Pinkbonbon - yes tbh that's sort of the response that i expected him to have. It was OTT what he said, but i did provoke him.

That you were rude first is irrelevant. It's not that he was rude that's the problem.

The problem is the vile misogyny he showed. He basically called you a gold-digging whore because his ego was threatened about the idea of being compared to a professional athlete.

If that's where his mind goes when his ego is bruised, you have dodged a bullet.

I'd change your settings to 42 or younger, because some men are notorious for claiming to be younger than they are in their profiles.

Healthy people wouldn't have see it as provocation though. They would have thought "it's to be expected that if I tell someone I dated a 23 year old they may prejudge me a little. If they directly ask me further I'll use the opportunity to clarify I'm not a creep'.

If after that you'd continued to imply anything, THEN you might have been told 'if it makes you uncomfortable then I don't think we are well matched. Goodbye'.

No need for so much as a 'fuck you', let alone the implications that he made. Unless he's a 4 year old.

@LenaLamont

Oh absolutely. I’ve caught out a couple of dates lying about their age when they let something slip. And not the odd year or two - 7 in one case!
And don’t get me started about height - at least half of the dates I went in were several inches shorter than they claimed to be. Do they think we won’t notice?

Funnily enough I saw my high-school bully o online dating recently and somehow he's 2 years younger than me. Despite having been 2 years older than me in school 🤔 Funny how time can change things isn't it? 😆

@SamW98 - 😂😂 I have noticed men putting on there profiles '6ft as that seems to matter on here'