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Original poster

My fault or his? Should I still go on a date with him?

191 replies

WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 18:18

Hi all,

Just an OLD one. I don't know I'm being oversensitive about this or not.

Matched with someone on OLD. Very handsome, very funny in messages. 15 years older than me though. I am in his city every week for work. It's 2 hours away but much bigger and livelier than where I live.

He asked if I could let him know the days each week I'm down in his city so he can book a nice dinner in advance etc.

Over Xmas We also had briefly talked about dating experiences so far/dates we had been on/going on.

I mentioned in this convo that I was due to go out with a rugby player (professional rugby/rugby union, so very well known team)

A week later he texted me to wish me a happy new year. Said he was looking forward to taking me out for dinner etc.

We were talking and I asked him what age his previous gf was ( I was curious as there is a 15 year age gap between him and I)

He said 43 ( only 2 years younger than him) and then said 27,23 , order of previous.

I said I thought 23 with 45 was a bit gross and he said

'Gross how so? Gross like being a wannabe footballers wag,'

Then he said 'selling her body for a claim to fame'

I said ' yea I do think it's gross a 23 year old with a 45 year old'

And he said that's your problem not mine,

I replied to the 'selling her body' comment and said 'who is that directed towards'

And he said 'it's what football wags do, rugby wags are the same'

I said 'ahh so that's a dig at me then'

Then he put a gif/meme of a pile of money!

That's it nothing since, obviously not overly nice of him to say....but was it my fault?

At the end of the day, it's not really my place to pass comment on his previous relationships! Perhaps I overstepped the mark?

What do you think? Should I send a message to break the ice/make a joke out of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:00

@ItsBeenRaining - yes I was hoping I was the youngest he had dated as I think 15 years is a significant enough gap.

I didn't intentionally neg, just told him the truth about going on a date. Do women neg? I thought it was only something men did to women haha

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 13/01/2024 19:03

WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 18:31

@itsmyp4rty - yea I don't even know if there was a 22 age gap though when they dated

He said his gfs ages were 43,27 and 23 in order of previous. So the 23 year old could have been close to a decade ago.

I made the 'gross' comment without establishing facts. I think I'm just looking for every excuse to write people of at the moment.

Or it could have been 6 weeks ago! Why is he even mentioning it anyway? Does he think you'll be impressed? Why not just say 43 and leave it at that?

To then denigrate you and imply you're a gold digger rather than just defend himself and say it was a decade ago (if that's the case) says a lot about his character too IMO.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:07

@itsmyp4rty - I asked him what age his previous gf was but didn't ask him for the 2 previous. I was curious if there was a pattern of only dating younger, but I guess not if the most recent was 43.

Yea I mean he has basically calling me an escort but perhaps I was asking for it as calling someone gross is pretty offensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:10

@Findinlovee - what do you mean that type of men? As in only go for younger? I am 31 and he is just about to turn 46, so sadly not in my 20's anymore haha

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 13/01/2024 19:10

This is petty and silly. Chalk it up to experience and move on

Londonscallingme · 13/01/2024 19:11

You shouldn’t have told him you were dating a famous rugby player.

You shouldn’t have asked about, or passed comment on his previous relationships.

He shouldn’t have said any of the stuff he said about being a wag or a gold digger.

At this early stage I don’t think I’d be rushing to try you rescue this one.

JustExistingNotLiving · 13/01/2024 19:13

I’m not sure why you are falling over yourself so much t9 défend that man abd say it’s all your fault tbh.

You to,d him that a 45yo going out with a 23yo is gross. So what? That’s how you feel about such a huge age gap.
If he has an issue with it, so be it.
If you have an issue with it and think a man going with someone so young is gross, so be it too.

The only thing that should now happen is for you two to go separate ways.
You (rightly imo) think it’s gross. That HE is gross. So why on earth would you want to carry on with him?

As fur his reaction … he just proven he is immature imo. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Time to move on and stop second guessing yourself.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 13/01/2024 19:13

You were right to judge him. A 23 year old and 45 year old is gross.

He's having a dig at women who date older for money yet that is exactly who he's looking for. Which means that he already holds them in contempt just for being with him in the first place.

Double standard misogynistic load of bollocks. Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet.

ItsBeenRaining · 13/01/2024 19:17

I would let it go, you both insulted one another, you could essentially see how future arguments would go if one of you apologised for this parle.

Two people vying for top dog status but it's looks like you're thinking of apologising so...

Namerequired · 13/01/2024 19:20

WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 18:31

@itsmyp4rty - yea I don't even know if there was a 22 age gap though when they dated

He said his gfs ages were 43,27 and 23 in order of previous. So the 23 year old could have been close to a decade ago.

I made the 'gross' comment without establishing facts. I think I'm just looking for every excuse to write people of at the moment.

Looks more like you are looking for an excuse not to write him off. 45 and 23 is gross and while I maybe wouldn’t have said it, it would be enough to put me off. If it was 10yrs ago (still gross) then he would have said. Instead he was rude in return. He was already holding that one in too to reply like that. Move on or ignore the red flags, your choice, but they are there to be blatantly seen.

Overthinking22 · 13/01/2024 19:22

Like you said did he date the 23 year old, 5 years ago so only 17 year age gap at the time (too much math) that's only 2 years, hypothetically, more than you. If it was a fling nothing wrong with that, both adults.

I think he was rightly defensive, as were you.

ChihuahuasREvil · 13/01/2024 19:24

He’s a twat.

SamW98 · 13/01/2024 19:25

WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 18:59

@Abergale - probably not lol 🥴

@SamW98 - I didn't just randomly mention another date I was going on. It was because he said ' have you had any luck/actually been on dates yet, or is it just the usual awful match, 'hey, how are you' dating app nonsense' ...and then said he had been on a few dates with nice women and was due to go on another....so is it not fair I responded and mentioned my upcoming date as he did ask?

Personally I think it’s TMI to tell someone you’ve not yet met.

Once you’ve had a couple of dates maybe then tell them you’re dating others before you get intimate but other than that no I don’t think it’s the right conversation from the off.

I think him telling you first he’s got other dates lined up would be a red flag tbh. It’s making it into a pick me dance from day I’ve and that’s not appealing.

Tbh this has disaster written all over it so I would delete him and stop giving him head space.

Starseeking · 13/01/2024 19:27

I'm not sure why you told him you were going out with the rugby player, that sounds like an odd thing for you to say, given the older man is also a potential.

I would think he IS gross for dating women so much younger than him, though given there's 15 years between the two of you, again an odd thing for you to say.

There's so much ego and competition between you I'd conclude that the two of you are completely incompatible, and I would move on if I were you.

Lookingforunicorns · 13/01/2024 19:27

Thanks for confirming that these types are just a-holes who feel entitled to a younger woman.
In 15 years he will be 60 with ED.

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2024 19:29

How do you know that that was the age gap? Were all these girlfriends of his from when he was 45? He's a busy guy if so!

ChihuahuasREvil · 13/01/2024 19:30

Overthinking22 · 13/01/2024 19:22

Like you said did he date the 23 year old, 5 years ago so only 17 year age gap at the time (too much math) that's only 2 years, hypothetically, more than you. If it was a fling nothing wrong with that, both adults.

I think he was rightly defensive, as were you.

Effectively calling OP a prostitute isn’t being defensive, one doesn’t defend themselves by calling somebody a prostitute, it’s being misogynistic and insulting. HTH

Totemoneru · 13/01/2024 19:30

This is disrespectful behaviour down to defensiveness. 2 qualities you want to avoid in a relationship! Avoid!

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:32

@Londonscallingme - I didn't mention the rugby player by name. The team is just well known and the team is professional/plays internationally so everyone knows the team name.

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone - yes this is what I don't understand. He is looking down on women who date older men for money. But yet he is clearly trying to use money/assets to impress a younger woman?

I don't get it. Basically being a hypocrite

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 13/01/2024 19:33

I think you mishandled this a bit, OP, but neither of you shine in this exchange. If you haven’t even met him, you’re much safer with the neutral, non-committal answers, like rather than ‘gross’ say ‘that wouldn’t be for me tbh’. You don’t owe this guy anything but at the same time you’ve found yourself judged and offended and I think upset by this, so my years of OLD lead me to advise you to politely disengage if something sounds off to you, rather than challenge them. Don’t waste your emotional energy. Hope the rugby date goes well though!

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:34

@Starseeking - because he told me about a few women he had been on dates with, mentioned they were lovely women, then asked me if I had any dates lined up. He wanted to know the guys job so I told him lol....

Believe me I'm not the big ego type! I'm a little shy tbh.

OP posts:
Catlord · 13/01/2024 19:41

You were looking to needle him, telling him all about your famous date then calling him gross. If you say the 20 somethings could have been years ago then he may have been quite taken aback.

Have a think why you were doing this. Yes, he jumped to some pretty unsavoury views so no love lost but you were rude first.

Particularly think about why you were telling his so much about your other date. It just seems that you were out to wind him up. It's usual to be discreet when dating pre-exclusivity, not give details about what a catch your other prospects are.

Also if you didn't like that he was dating younger women then just drop him. Why call him names?

With kindness, are you recently out of another relationship or something like that?

Leave this now. Don't contact him again. Work out what's bothering you to make you react like this to a date.

Gagaandgag · 13/01/2024 19:51

Just move on

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 19:51

@Catlord - can you please read my posts properly? HE asked me about any upcoming dates and mentioned he had been out with 'lovely' women, asked me about upcoming dates and I said 'yes I do' , he said 'what does he do' , I said 'plays for (team name) rugby'

That's it. He asked.

But yea I think I was somewhat rude to him. I basically said out loud/over text what I was thinking lol

So yes I do feel a little guilty about calling Someone gross, it's certainly not my usual style.

OP posts:
petticuliar · 13/01/2024 19:52

WitheringTights000 · 13/01/2024 18:24

@petticuliar - yea I did judge him. That's why I kind of thought oopppss shouldn't have said that, I've overstepped. Kind of thought it was my fault as he is just responding to something I said.

Yes but his response was petulant and juvenile. Why bother seeing him knowing this