My fault or his? Should I still go on a date with him?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just an OLD one. I don't know I'm being oversensitive about this or not.

Matched with someone on OLD. Very handsome, very funny in messages. 15 years older than me though. I am in his city every week for work. It's 2 hours away but much bigger and livelier than where I live.

He asked if I could let him know the days each week I'm down in his city so he can book a nice dinner in advance etc.

Over Xmas We also had briefly talked about dating experiences so far/dates we had been on/going on.

I mentioned in this convo that I was due to go out with a rugby player (professional rugby/rugby union, so very well known team)

A week later he texted me to wish me a happy new year. Said he was looking forward to taking me out for dinner etc.

We were talking and I asked him what age his previous gf was ( I was curious as there is a 15 year age gap between him and I)

He said 43 ( only 2 years younger than him) and then said 27,23 , order of previous.

I said I thought 23 with 45 was a bit gross and he said

'Gross how so? Gross like being a wannabe footballers wag,'

Then he said 'selling her body for a claim to fame'

I said ' yea I do think it's gross a 23 year old with a 45 year old'

And he said that's your problem not mine,

I replied to the 'selling her body' comment and said 'who is that directed towards'

And he said 'it's what football wags do, rugby wags are the same'

I said 'ahh so that's a dig at me then'

Then he put a gif/meme of a pile of money!

That's it nothing since, obviously not overly nice of him to say....but was it my fault?

At the end of the day, it's not really my place to pass comment on his previous relationships! Perhaps I overstepped the mark?

What do you think? Should I send a message to break the ice/make a joke out of it?

At 30, you really don’t know why a 45 year old would have a problem with you dating a professional rugby player???!

With respect you do sound emotionally immature.

He asked you the question (which he really shouldn’t have), and he didn’t like the answer one little bit.

Frankly if I was you, I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. A 23 year old is young enough to his daughter.

Shitty men behave like shitty men. Their behaviour is no reflection on you. The issues arise when you don’t go ‘ah, that was shitty’ and move on. As you don’t appear able to do
this, it’s possible that you might benefit from a break from OLD.

@AndOnAndOn1000 - no why would someone have a problem with that?

Professional rugby players aren't rich, end up with injuries and have to retire and a young age. It comes with problems. Not necessarily something to be envied.

I think it's him who is more emotionally immature if he feels insecure about that is it not?

• At a young age

Why would an older man who wants to date you have a problem with you going out with a younger professional athlete, in peak fitness? Seriously?

Yes, he’s insecure. But you’re coming across as almost unbelievably immature.

@LusaBatoosa - I am keen to meet someone , but yes, maybe I should give OLD for a break for sometime until I get better at ditching the arseholes

I've always been relaxed about age gap relationships, but now I've seen one close up, I'm not so sure. My friend's age gap with her partner is 15 years and she now thinks he was definitely looking for someone younger to look after him when he was older. He is now 80 and sits in the chair all day, waiting for her to come back from work to cook his dinner.

@Salome61 - I am no chef so if someone is looking for that in a relationship, they would need to look elsewhere 😂🤣

@Bature - this is an advice forum so I could do without the insults.

I don't think I am 'unbelievably' immature. Lacking in confidence yes, not great self esteem...but I think your comment is a tad harsh.

YUCK! Avoid! Why on earth would you want a man who likes younger women? 15 years is grim, you yourself are encouraging it by dating him. He is shallow.
The only men worth dating are the ones who seek out women their own age.

Forget him.

My BF is 15 years younger which in your eyes makes me “grim”, he’s also not “worth dating” because he doesn’t seek women his age. My mums husband is 15 years younger, they’ve been very happily married 30 years.

(You are very judgemental).

@WitheringTights000
Who said anything about money?

You seem quite fixated on it.

However yet again, you are being naive if you think a professional rugby player can’t potentially earn a lot of money.

Oh FFS, move on already. You both sound rather childish.

@Disturbia81 - I have noticed since signing up to OLD all the guys who are asking me out are like 15 years older!

If that's a problem change your Tinder (o whatever app you're using) settings to people your age.

Just give this one a miss. His response + dating women half his age would make me 'yuk'. But you were picking at him too. Strange conversations for initial dates. Why instigate them? & why tell him you're going out with a rugby player? Not saying you have to hide things but if you're dating a man then talking about another man won't go down well. Save that for when you're with your mates. You arent suited. You're both petty but I think he's one up on the pettiness. It won't work out.

@beatrix1234 - it's not necessarily a problem though. Why would i automatically rule them all out?

@beatrix1234 Yep as are most people about this. People view you in a bad way believe me.

@DeeCeeCherry - please read the full thread. I wouldn't have mentioned the rugby player to him, but he asked me. He mentioned he had been on dates wjth a few 'lovely' women, and was due to go on another one. He asked me if I had any set up, I said yes and he asked what he did! I said 'plays for X team' .

Honestly, yes. I get being keen to meet someone, but you were seriously contemplating reaching out to a man who had been an arse to you (and this is before he’d even met you). Looking at the situation rationally, do you think that’s the start of a meaningful long term relationship? Or just another situation to add to your ‘arseholes I’ve been with’ folder?

And I get that you don’t enjoy being called immature, but all the ‘but he asked me who I was dating’ and ‘why would X be a problem’ IS immature. A lot of the things you’re writing make you sound much much younger than you are.

What’s your relationship history been like?

@AndOnAndOn1000 - I'm not fixated on money at all. You mentioned he would likely feel threatened by a professional rugby player and I was listing several reasons why it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I personally know several men who played rugby professionally. They were retired by 35 and had to retrain in something else in order to have a steady income. Yes, they earn decent money. But it's no where near the level of premier league football etc, so they all need to find something else afterwards.

You insulted him first, so he insulted you back. To be honest, I think yours was worse and it was unprompted.

However, given that you've both gotten off on the wrong foot, I don't get why either of you want to pursue this date now, it's hardly going to go well!

@Bobbotgegrinch - I know it insulted him first. It's not something I would usually do so that's why I felt a bit bad about it!

@WitheringTights000 I did LOADS of online dating super successfully (now happy with an incredible man). 1. They shouldn't ask about "the competition". But 2. If they do, if it's in person give a mysterious half smile and change subject if online ignore and move on.

For you, that conversation has revealed true red flags. This is not the man for you - I find the entire conversation in incredible bad taste but him basically calling you an escort is unacceptable.

You seem to want to meet him anyway, going for "what if ". I don't think there's a what if, he's simply not a good man and even if he took you to the most expensive restaurant in the city still doesn't know how to treat a lady, is insecure and plainly rude.

I think it's a matter of what you feel you deserve. Personally I feel I deserve a kind and good and strong man who treats me extremely well and I'll treat him equally well in exchange. No bad boys, definitely not someone implying you're a prostitute

If you go out with him, chances are it won't last. I would find a better man