My fault or his? Should I still go on a date with him?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just an OLD one. I don't know I'm being oversensitive about this or not.

Matched with someone on OLD. Very handsome, very funny in messages. 15 years older than me though. I am in his city every week for work. It's 2 hours away but much bigger and livelier than where I live.

He asked if I could let him know the days each week I'm down in his city so he can book a nice dinner in advance etc.

Over Xmas We also had briefly talked about dating experiences so far/dates we had been on/going on.

I mentioned in this convo that I was due to go out with a rugby player (professional rugby/rugby union, so very well known team)

A week later he texted me to wish me a happy new year. Said he was looking forward to taking me out for dinner etc.

We were talking and I asked him what age his previous gf was ( I was curious as there is a 15 year age gap between him and I)

He said 43 ( only 2 years younger than him) and then said 27,23 , order of previous.

I said I thought 23 with 45 was a bit gross and he said

'Gross how so? Gross like being a wannabe footballers wag,'

Then he said 'selling her body for a claim to fame'

I said ' yea I do think it's gross a 23 year old with a 45 year old'

And he said that's your problem not mine,

I replied to the 'selling her body' comment and said 'who is that directed towards'

And he said 'it's what football wags do, rugby wags are the same'

I said 'ahh so that's a dig at me then'

Then he put a gif/meme of a pile of money!

That's it nothing since, obviously not overly nice of him to say....but was it my fault?

At the end of the day, it's not really my place to pass comment on his previous relationships! Perhaps I overstepped the mark?

What do you think? Should I send a message to break the ice/make a joke out of it?

On another note

How did the date with the rugby player go ?

There was some crossover while I was responding to you. I didn't see the full update.

I think the lessons learnt here are be discreet about other dates. Don't lie if asked whether you're dating others but do move the conversation on quickly. Details aren't necessary. One of you will only hear something you don't like. I've actually let someone know outright that I didn't expect them to be exclusive at the point in question but I didn't want to discuss other dates. Where's the anticipation in knowing for sure you're each one of several?

You can't really come back from personal criticism at such an early stage as no good will has been built up. He's said something shittier back so don't feel guilty but in future either move on or have a conversation if someone says something you don't like.

He genuinely doesn't sound great if I'm honest, the more you say. You didn't need to hear his opinions of the other women he was dating either and provoked or not, his responses were awful. Next!

You were rude to him. You don't know how old he was when he dated the 23 year old.

But his attack on you for having dated a rugby player is nasty and misogynistic. I wouldn't arrange to see him.

@Snowdogsmitten - yea he had a few gym selfies on his profile so perhaps he is feeling a little insecure about not being as muscular as a rugby player or something lol

My partner is 17 years older than me. Honestly, he's a giant, walking red flag that I should have avoided.

@ItsBeenRaining - it went well. Very sweet, very nice, fit lol ....almost too sweet....and yep there lieth the problem. I think I'm attracted to arseholes....

@ThankGoditsChristmas - oh dear. That doesn't sound great. I hope you are making plans to leave if that's the case?!

I'd agree with this, and you've just said that he was 35 when seeing a 23 year old, in my opinion that's a gap but it's not gross.

You were rude, unkind and he's the one that dodged a bullet imo

@InAPickle12345 - I never said he was 35 when dating the 23 year old? Where did I say that?

He said his last gf was 43, then 27,23 in order of previous. He never said what age he was when dating the 23 year old and when I said it was gross being 45 and dating a 23 year old, he didn't correct me and say that he wasn't 45 at the time of dating her.

And yes butah least I can admit I was rude.

Him calling me a prostitute is a tad overboard though

• but at least

For next time, if anyone you are dating non-exclusively asks you this sort of question, keep your response light and casual, details are unnecessary, then swiftly move the conversation onto another topic.

Re the prior chap, you were outspoken to extent that it was predictable he might not like it. But tbf, it was a gross age gap so you were right. You wrote what a lot would think. I'd of said it too, but with knowing and understanding at the time that it would mean the end was nigh, but then not caring as it gave me the ick anyway. For some reason you expected him to take being called gross on the chin - unlikely outcome. A bit too eager to want to backpeddle by stretching your own boundaries and dating someone who dates very young women happily. Stick to your initial assessment, it does show the kind of man he was, especially his response. He clearly has little respect for women and doesn't see them as equal, far from it. Its good you found that out.
RE the 2nd chap, if you happen to prefer men to treat you mean because to them you are 'just a woman' - ie. bad boys - buckle up for rough dating experiences with lots of upset. Let's hope for your sake it's not his niceness that prevented a spark, just that you maybe didn't fancy him in person.

Especially like in this case when you’ve not even met.

Most people follow don’t ask about tell in the early days of dating. The conversation is only necessary when intimacy and exclusivity comes into question imo.

IMO, guys asking if you are dating others or want to know who else you are dating are insecure. I have had one guy asked before and this was maybe date 1 or 2 and I said to him ‘a lady never kisses and tell’ and moved on. He then asked again on another date and I said it’s really none of your business. Not in a rude way, just matter of fact and shutting it down. At this point, we had not kissed or anything. I stupidly gave him 5 dates before I cut him off. He had also made some rather unsavoury comments about single mums dating (of which I am one and he knew!), which made me defensive and wanting to prove him wrong. And that’s exactly what negging does… Stupid me, I should have trusted my instincts.

You weren't rude - you were truthful.

That age gap was gross.

His response showed his true colours, but even if he hadn't reacted in that way it would have been game over for me. 40 year olds have no business messing around with 20 year olds.

This

OP it is gross

"Honestly OP I would forget about a man who can so casually use misogynistic language.
It says a lot about his attitude to women in general imo."

This! Yes you were very rude but his response was awful.

Of course you should NOT message him, he’s a man in his 40s who dates women half his age. He’s then turned it back on you when questioned about this. Run and don’t look back. What a creep!

No you don't

And why talk about the rugby player? Or have I misunderstood?

Another ageist remark

@TwoBoysTooMany76 - yes maybe he is insecure. One of the first things he actually asked me after messaging me 'happy new year' , was 'how did the date with the rugby guy go' and then asked if there would be more dates with him. Then It was later on in the convo I ended up calling him gross and him being rude.

And how awful of that man to make comments about single mothers, sounds abusive and im glad you realised what he was like. Negging can be hard to spot sometimes I think

@Nanny0gg - if you are going to leave a comment then you may aswell read the full thread.

He said he had been on dates with a few 'lovely' women and was due to go on another one. He then asked me if I had any dates lined up I said 'yes' he asked me 'what does he do' I said 'plays for X team'

Why would I lie when he directly asked me and when he was talking about his dates?

@Opentooffers - sorry just noticing your comment. Yes tbh I didn't think that he would take the comment quite so badly that he would lash out at me in such an aggressive fashion....

So it's kind of made me think, yes I've really really overstepped. It's not something I usually do, and I don't really have any business calling someone else gross about a relationship that has nothing to do with me.

Alll way too dramatic. I think he dodged a bullet too, you sound like a couple of teenagers . Move on.

@Nanny0gg nope a factual one.
In 15 years time, it is a fact that he will be aged 60.
Admittedly the ED is conjecture, but why should the OP take the risk when she could have a fit and sexy man of her own age 😁