He didn't know an invite over would mean sex

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I have posted a little bit about this man before. We had been in an on/off relationship and i invited him over for 'movie and takeaway'. He was being quite strange about it, very kind of cold which I thought of as strange considering our past. I thought movie and takeaway was code that every adult would know....

I asked him tonight how did he feel about it and he said 'it's not a big deal, just food and a movie'. He says he thought I just meant food and a movie, he didn't make a connection about anything physical.

He's 39. What do others think about this? Seems ridiculous not to make that connection.

Doesn't sound like he likes you much

Oh no, I bet he knew what op was getting at, he just wanted to avoid having to have sex with her.

I think she's sending really mixed messages tho.

Why invite someone you have been sexting over to have sex with you, then be disappointed that they want to come over and have sex with you? Feels a bit like a trap. Was he supposed to decline? It feels a bit like a trap/test tbh

*@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

What if you did only want to watch the show?*

Then I presume @renthead could easily watch the show without inviting her FWB over to join her? In her situation it's the dynamic of the relationship that makes the want for sex obvious from the question

Another old person who has just found out Netflix and chill apparently doesn't mean quite what I thought!

OP, it sounds like you want to rekindle a relationship and he wants FWB at best. This is a fundamental incompatibility which will lead to someone (you) getting hurt. It also sounds to me like it was pretty fraught for a fairly short term thing and not likely to improve.

I'd stop the sexting/naked pics and put him out of your mind. If he does come back, make sure you're both on the same page with what you want and be very, very clear about it.

This is a hard one to read but I'll take it on the chin. Probably the tough love I need 😂

I doubt her messages are mixed at all.
I would say that he is 100% well aware of her feelings for him and that for the past 2 years the on/off-ness of the relationship is all down to him.

If he didn't think they were going to have sex when invited him over I'd say he was just thinking she wasn't offering sex because she expected him to show her that he's interested in her for real this time, that he's not going to get cold again etc. and he simply wasn't arsed because he's not that into her, doesn't have those feelings for her and just wants to string her along.

I'm sure it was a bit of a test, that's what happens in those hot/cold, on/off relationships, she obviously wanted him to come over and that they'd have a great night and he'd stop being cold and start to be good to her. That's not going to happen.

@kkloo sorry i meant she was giving mixed messages in the post.

She told us she wanted to invite him over for sex then is disappointed he wants to come over for sex?

I get that she wants him to be enthusiastic whether or not there is sex involved. However, im sure at the dating stage 99% of men would show more enthusiasm for sex than a takeaway??

I absolutely live my BF, I'm confident he loves me and is not only with me for sex.

However, if text him and said "fancy coming over for a takeaway and movie on Saturday night?" I'd get a "sure" or "sounds good" type of reply. If i text him saying "fancy coming over for sex" I'd get a completely different response - and that's without factoring in the fact that OP and this guy haven't been having sex l recently so he's prob even more keen!

Oh yeah the post is confusing alright and she's not getting the relevant responses because some people think she invited him over under false pretences and then pounced on the poor man even though he thought he was just there to watch a movie.
And then other people can't understand why she's upset that he wanted sex when she did too, but I think it's obvious from her updates that she wasn't just inviting him over for sex, it was that she felt like they were on the same page to start to get the relationship back on track again.

Yes but if he was a decent guy who actually did have feelings for her he'd be enthusiastic about the movie and takeaway too.

In my experience men who genuinely have feelings for women will jump at the chance to spend time with a woman they haven't seen in a while even if it's just something like a movie or a walk or just to see her for a chat.

Not all men, but a lot of men are stupid when it comes to this stuff, myself included.

A long long time ago I went out with a workmate for drinks, she said come back to mine as there's a film she thought I would like. She put cushions down on the floor of, turned the lights down, got us a drink, and got comfy in just her pants and top.

It took me by surprise when she kissed me - I genuinely didn't have a clue she was into me. There's a large proportion of men who would have got it at the first drink, there's a large proportion of men who would have been similar (but not quite as dumb) to me.

If it was me in this situation, I'd absolutely love it if you took the piss out of me, and told me you did want a movie and takeaway, but you also were horny and want some fun.

@bted
The original post was misleading.
He wasn't bothered about going to see her when he thought it was a movie and takeaway.
When she clarified she had thought they would have sex he was suddenly more keen.

And this is a man she's been in an on/off 2 year relationship with, so it's clear that he's not that bothered about her

Apologies if the original message was misleading, I can see it was. Its tricky to write when emotions were high!

To clarify: I have been in an on again/off again relationship with him. We've recently been sexting/sending photos. This was originally started by him.

After a few weeks of this, I asked him over for a movie and takeaway this week - assuming alone time might mean the next step for us. I wanted this next step to lead to getting back together, not casual sex. He wasn't bothered either way and I asked on here because I genuinely believed he understood what I meant by alone time and was just deflecting by saying it didn't occur to him

@kkloo

oh thanks, I get it now, yeah sounds like he's not that into spending time with her just to be with her.

I think its probably worth a honest chat rather than trying to guess.

Hope everything works out ok @Catladyireland

He's not worth it.
He's happy to string you along and that's not going to change.
You deserve so much better.

I think you have a bigger problem if he assumed this meant sex!

And in messages we often talked about 'if you came over some evening we could do x, y and z' so I wasn't jumping to conclusions as much as it might have sounded

@Catladyireland You know he's been enjoying the sexting etc. I think if you'd just offered him a shag really blatantly then his response would've been very different, because he's interested in that part of it. But unless you want to be used for sex then I wouldn't bother with this one.

Ah okay, makes more sense to me now!

I think the miscommunication around sex is a red herring.

You invited him over for a movie and a takeaway with the hope of re-establishing a relationship. You were disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm and then believed it was because he didn't realise sex was in the cards. You then clarified in the hope that once he realised you wanted to have sex he'd be more keen.

Surely if you're considering establishing a relationship with someone you want someone who is enthusiastic to see you regardless of whether you'd be having sex or not? I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't keen to have a relaxed night watching tv with a take away and no sex.

You didn’t but then I didn’t ask.

OP with all my respect, what it seems ridiculous is that you are still trying with him. On and off? Better off.

Thought you might like an answer from the male perspective. Personally, I would hope any reason you’ve given me to come over is ‘code’ for sex. I can’t understand why he thought differently, what wrong with the bloke? I do also have to agree with another commenter, you’re not teenagers if you want sex just tell him you want sex.

Can I ask what is a male perspective on both of you sending sexts/intimate photos for a few months and then you ask him over? He then goes cold and says he didn't realise I meant sex. I assume the male perspective is probably cut my losses, he's not interested

I did mention it upthread. I was attempting to use a rhetorical device to make clear the connection between thinking that an offer of not-sex means not-sex, and then finding out that the man making the offer of not-sex meant sex all along and isn't taking "no" for an answer and that other people will then blame me saying "but of course not-sex meant sex, everyone knows that".

Not everyone is neurotypical. Not everyone is British and used to British cultural norms. Not everyone speaks english as their mother tongue. So it's actually really shitty to talk about sex in code instead of saying what you mean.