He didn't know an invite over would mean sex

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I have posted a little bit about this man before. We had been in an on/off relationship and i invited him over for 'movie and takeaway'. He was being quite strange about it, very kind of cold which I thought of as strange considering our past. I thought movie and takeaway was code that every adult would know....

I asked him tonight how did he feel about it and he said 'it's not a big deal, just food and a movie'. He says he thought I just meant food and a movie, he didn't make a connection about anything physical.

He's 39. What do others think about this? Seems ridiculous not to make that connection.

So there is now naked photos of you out there?

Is anyone thinking they would prefer the takeaway to the sex or just me?

Not related to the op exactly

Don’t things just progress naturally anymore? Does there have to be a code for anything? We live in an odd world now.

I'm amazed that given the history between the OP and this guy, people wouldn't read sex into it. Of course it's an invitation for sex! I had a FWB in my 20s and our code was getting together to watch a particular, obscure TV show that we were both into. I'd never have assumed that he actually wanted to only watch the show.

The question should be why are you still pursuing/inviting a man who frankly does not even seem enthusiastic about having sex with you...

If you are after casual sex at least find someone who enjoys the idea.

There’s been a lot of drip feeding after the OP which has totally changed the context.

However if I’d been sexting a guy and send him nudes and he wasn’t absolutely jumping to the a to sleep with me then I’d realise he wasn’t interested and give up.

Imagine you had invited him over for a movie and takeaway. And that he came round expecting sex. Your op would be VERY DIFFERENT.

Just as we should expect men to know that they should have enthusiastic consent for sex, we should also take steps to ensure that we are giving the right verbal/written communications.

You're 40. Time to grow up. If you want sex, say so.

@AndThatWasNY @VampireWeekday 😂😂😂😂

Cant believe so many people on here wouldn’t think that sex was on the cards!!!!!

One of the defining features of autism is taking things very literally. So coffee means a hot caffeinated drink.

Did I mention being raped?

Oh op. What are you doing. He doesn’t want to spend time with you, but if you offer up a shag, he will be straight round. So it’s just sex. It’s fine if that’s what you want, no strings sex. But if you don’t, get the message. He couldn’t be any clearer. He isn’t interested.

your posts are also all over the place, telling us you’d been sleeping with him for two years etc, then it’s you have broken up and not been togoeher for a long time but you’re sending him nudes.

offering sex isn’t going to make him want a relationship with you. Just he sees it as a free shag. If you want more. Stop this course of action.

This is the problem - half the posts on this theme are ‘I invited a guy over to chill and he wanted to have sex’ so men really can’t win either way.

Thankfully my wife and I communicate like adults rather than leaving things to chance.

Just be the gentleman. You don't risk raping anyone by being the gentleman. If she expects you to understand some bullshit coded message and misses out on a wanted shag because you didn't, that's a "her" problem.

What if you did only want to watch the show?

Now if you just meant a movie and takeaway and he assumed sex you'd be complaining that he wanted to take advantage of you!

I've woken up today feeling utterly embarrassed and ridiculous. I should never have assumed and I won't again!

Mainly just feeling ridiculous how his and my headspaces were clearly very different, despite our chats etc

OP, You're not going to get a lot of helpful responses to your situation because everyone is talking about the 'code' and if they would understand it or not. That part surely doesn't matter. It's making people think that you pounced on him for sex and he wasn't expecting it but that's not what went on.

If I'm reading correctly you invited him over for movie and a takeaway and he didn't seem that bothered, but when you clarified you meant sex too he was very keen to take you up on that offer?

I'm not sure why you sent him a big apology.

Sounds like he's only after sex and doesn't want to hang out.

Cut him loose. I'm guessing that the reason it's on/off for 2 years is because of his behaviour and that it hasn't been your choice.

See your OP makes it sound like you're the one who was after sex, and he's the one who wanted a movie and takeaway.
But the different headspaces are that he's the one who is after sex and you're the one who wants to spend time with him as well as the sex.

I can't follow this at all.

You sent a message that you thought hinted at him coming round for sex.

He politely accepted the message thinking he was coming round to watch a movie and have a take away.

You were disappointed he wasn't more excited given that you thought you'd suggested having sex.

When you explained you'd been hinting at sex he was much more keen.

So you attempted to suggest he came round for sex, there was a miscommunication but now he understands he's keen to come round and have sex. How is that you being on different pages??

Let's not forget this whole scenario started on 5th Jan i.e. last week, and dinner and movie evening is not until tonight ?.

This is what the Op posted last night on the thread she first posted
:' Yesterday 20:50

He finally messaged today, just normal chat and I mentioned having some nerves about having him over, saying it was a big deal to me and I wanted some reassurance from him. He replied saying 'well we can cancel. It's not a big deal, just a movie and food'.

We're adults; he clearly knows what a movie and food means right?! '

and that is why she then started a whole new thread on ' movie and food ' as it took him 3 ? days to reply to ' movie and food ' on 10th.

This is despite the nude photos and sexting she has been sending him.

So he isn't even a FWB !

To me it would be movie and a takeaway. I think a lot of men would take it as code for more.

I honestly don't think you've got anything to feel embarrassed or ridiculous about. Obviously you haven't gone into the full back story, but it sounds like he's a big part of the problem and has caused this confusion and lack of confidence in you. Block and move on, that's my advice.

Think the first couple of pages at least are purely based on the OP as most of us didn’t have a clue there was another thread with more detail.

After the drip feeding and now knowing there’s more to this, the responses have changed and think the majority opinion is he’s just not really into you OP. Don't worry about embarrassment just move on from him and maybe be a bit clearer on your communication going forward. If you want sex tell them!

@highlo
She seemed to think that they were on the same page again so she wanted to spend some time with him and take the step to being intimate again.

She clearly doesn't just want sex or meaningless sex.

To me it would be a movie and food, and I'm pretty sure if I said to my bf he'd also presume a movie and food.

However, I'm pretty sure it'd cross both of our minds that sex may factor in at some point. But it would be that either (or both) of us were hoping it would happen, ie two people sexually attracted to each other and having the opportunity to be at home alone together.

I do think that's quite different from their being an expectation of sex tho, or interpreting as an invite for sex.

Sex would also only be part of the 'date' rather than the whole point of the date.

A FWB situation would be different but I can't tell if it's a FWB or a relationship you're talking about

I'm disappointed when my partner tells me he's treating me to a movie and takeaway... and he what he really means is sex 🤣