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Original poster

He didn't know an invite over would mean sex

209 replies

Catladyireland · 09/01/2024 21:32

Hi,

I have posted a little bit about this man before. We had been in an on/off relationship and i invited him over for 'movie and takeaway'. He was being quite strange about it, very kind of cold which I thought of as strange considering our past. I thought movie and takeaway was code that every adult would know....

I asked him tonight how did he feel about it and he said 'it's not a big deal, just food and a movie'. He says he thought I just meant food and a movie, he didn't make a connection about anything physical.

He's 39. What do others think about this? Seems ridiculous not to make that connection.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/01/2024 23:40

He isn't using you for sex, he didn't even know it was on offer !

his words apparently were: ' 'well we can cancel. It's not a big deal, just a movie and food'.

Please please please stop over thinking this whole thing, he isn't that into you, you already describe it as a on/off partner - and right now it's off

Please leave it that way, and please read what replies you have been putting on your other thread.

Just cancel Thursday, and move on.

There really are plenty more fish in the sea.

theduchessofspork · 09/01/2024 23:42

I think the fact you are tying yourself in knots is a clear sign you need to permanently dump.,

You don’t need to be embarrassed, but while you are thinking relationship, he is thinking mate or casual shag, so don’t waste more time.

Weatherwax13 · 09/01/2024 23:47

@AndThatWasNY your post has made my day 😄
If it's any consolation, I recently dropped an unwitting clanger around my AC which made them visibly shudder. I don't think my DDs will ever look at me in the same way again!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/01/2024 23:58

And if a man invited a woman over for a movie and to watch a takeaway - she's supposed to assume this also means sex ? Sounds like someone justifying sexual assault .

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 10/01/2024 00:05

VampireWeekday · 09/01/2024 23:05

These responses are really making me feel like an outlier. I tend not to make explicit sex based plans because I don't like to commit to sex days in advance. For me consent means that I leave open how the night goes and how I feel. Perhaps because of bad past experiences, but I never want to be in a position where a man feels entilted to have sex with me, because I'd "invited it in", like some sort of penis vampire.

I also like a little bit of chase if it's a man I'm not living with - I just wouldn't find "hey fancy coming round for a film and a fuck" sexy at all. So I would be far more likely to say come round for dinner, and then see how it goes and how I (and they) feel. So I guess OP it depends how this went down. You are not unreasonable to think you'd hinted that you would be up for having sex, but you are unreasonable to think he'd committed to it. In general, I guess, I don't think you really can commit to having sex in advance.

Penis vampire 😂😂🤣🤣

Original poster
Catladyireland · 10/01/2024 00:10

Thank you for the comments.

To be clear, I would never sexually assault anyone (as one poster compared it to) and I'm a massive twat that I assumed anything. That's clear. The embarrassment levels are very high.

I'm also just embarrassed that someone I sent naked photos to is clearly not thinking of me in that way. I did assume the photos meant something suggestive to both of us, in terms of one day being physical together again and that's something I was very wrong about.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/01/2024 00:15

If you want to rekindle your relationship and actually want to have sex with him just say it out straight. No need for embarrassment. Ask him/tell him. Maybe he wasn't that interested in "movie and a takeaway". It seems you weren't that interested in it either because you meant it as him coming over to have sex.

Were you going to have movie, takeaway AND sex, or just the sex?

I think both of you at 40 years of age need to get better at communicating. If you want to get back with him he straight about it. He will either say yes, or no. Then you'll know and no need for code words and hidden meaning. At least if you want to use code words make sure you both know what they are 😉

Dweetfidilove · 10/01/2024 00:23

If you are shy about openly asking for sex, maybe you can seduce him 🤷🏽‍♀️. That seems in keeping with all the codified stuff going on here.

porridgeisbae · 10/01/2024 00:24

He isn't using you for sex, he didn't even know it was on offer!

Yes, so because he thought there was no sex on offer, he wasn't interested in meeting up. Because he's only interested in sex-related stuff from OP.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/01/2024 00:33

porridgeisbae · 10/01/2024 00:24

He isn't using you for sex, he didn't even know it was on offer!

Yes, so because he thought there was no sex on offer, he wasn't interested in meeting up. Because he's only interested in sex-related stuff from OP.

Not necessarily, maybe he just WASN'T in the mood for a movie and takeaway.

Isthisreasonable · 10/01/2024 00:42

Catladyireland · 10/01/2024 00:10

Thank you for the comments.

To be clear, I would never sexually assault anyone (as one poster compared it to) and I'm a massive twat that I assumed anything. That's clear. The embarrassment levels are very high.

I'm also just embarrassed that someone I sent naked photos to is clearly not thinking of me in that way. I did assume the photos meant something suggestive to both of us, in terms of one day being physical together again and that's something I was very wrong about.

Hopefully you didn't send him photos that were very identifying if they end up being circulated

Trilateralcommission · 10/01/2024 01:19

with me and a friend, it usually leads to business but usually its best not to auto guess its on the table so to speak

EBearhug · 10/01/2024 01:24

I wouldn't assume takeaway and film meant sex, but if it was someone I was keen on, I'd probably be dressed in slinky underwear under something casual like jeans and t-shirt. Just in case. I wouldn't assume, though (far too many rejections in my life,) and in any case, one or other of us might change their mind.

Did he respond to any of the naked pics with similar? Most men seem not to be backward in wanting to send pics in various states of undress if you give them the slightest hint that it would be okay. If he's not commented favourably or sent pics back, then it's clear he's not that interested.

I wouldn't be too embarrassed though- just mark it up yo experience and move on.

Ottersmith · 10/01/2024 01:32

Well either way he didn't seem that interested so I think you should just forget him. I'd recind the offer and tell him as he's not too bothered then you should forget it. Sounds like you've wasted enough time on him already. When you are rekindling something surely every encounter might have the possibility of sex? Anyway he should be exited to spend a night with you even just watching a film and he's not so leave him.

porridgeisbae · 10/01/2024 01:38

he should be exited to spend a night with you even just watching a film and he's not so leave him.

Exactly

@Catladyireland And if he was interested in you as a person/a relationship but just didn't fancy a wholesome evening in, he would've suggested going out or something, not just gone 'meh.'

Trez1510 · 10/01/2024 02:01

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/01/2024 23:58

And if a man invited a woman over for a movie and to watch a takeaway - she's supposed to assume this also means sex ? Sounds like someone justifying sexual assault .

Is this some new torture/perversion??? Watching a takeaway??? 😝

Gowlett · 10/01/2024 02:11

I must be living in an alternate universe…
It deffo means sex! You’re not a nun.
I’ve had loads of these situations.
Unless someone is firmly in the friend-zone!

Kellogg1 · 10/01/2024 03:50

I’d have taken it as come watch a movie and eat food …. And then we’re definitely having sex 😅

Cant believe so many people on here wouldn’t think that sex was on the cards!!!!!

romdowa · 10/01/2024 04:02

Last time I had a fwb most invitations where a code for sex usually because if you weren't having sex then it defeats the purpose of a fwb arrangement.

harerunner · 10/01/2024 06:33

Catladyireland · 09/01/2024 22:18

No, I invited him over after messages/photos of a sexual nature and I was nervous about it because it was a big step for me

Context is everything... If someone invited me over after exchanging sexual messages and photos, I'd be assuming sex was probably an intention, irrespective of whether that was accompanied by talk of a takeaway!

When my bf comes round, we always have sex... irrespective of what we say in our messages. But then we are in a very physical relationship and we've only been together 6 weeks or so.

harerunner · 10/01/2024 06:37

Dweetfidilove · 10/01/2024 00:23

If you are shy about openly asking for sex, maybe you can seduce him 🤷🏽‍♀️. That seems in keeping with all the codified stuff going on here.

If the OP can send naked photos of herself, she's not so shy that she can't ask for sex!

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 10/01/2024 06:40

Frangipanyoul8r · 09/01/2024 23:15

Good healthy relationships just aren’t this hard. Say what you mean, no need for code words.

It all sounds like bloody hard work to me!

AndThatWasNY · 10/01/2024 07:15

Weatherwax13 · 09/01/2024 23:47

@AndThatWasNY your post has made my day 😄
If it's any consolation, I recently dropped an unwitting clanger around my AC which made them visibly shudder. I don't think my DDs will ever look at me in the same way again!

What did you say?!
I've woken up feeling worse about it they will tease me forever 😂

unsync · 10/01/2024 07:16

Why do you need a code? Just use normal language which should help avoid communication issues.

veggie50 · 10/01/2024 07:17

OP, you need to ask him straight if he wants a sexual relationship again or simply wants to remain friends. Sounds like he's confused about what your actual intentions are. People can get accused of all sorts if they misread a situation, perhaps your friend was being careful and not uninterested. I'd probably do it in person rather than text seeing that messages get misread all the time!