He didn't know an invite over would mean sex

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I have posted a little bit about this man before. We had been in an on/off relationship and i invited him over for 'movie and takeaway'. He was being quite strange about it, very kind of cold which I thought of as strange considering our past. I thought movie and takeaway was code that every adult would know....

I asked him tonight how did he feel about it and he said 'it's not a big deal, just food and a movie'. He says he thought I just meant food and a movie, he didn't make a connection about anything physical.

He's 39. What do others think about this? Seems ridiculous not to make that connection.

Why would that automatically mean sex?

I think if you communicate as clearly in real life as you have on Mumsnet tonight there's no wonder there has been miscommunication between the two of you.

Either way,never do the 'pick me' dance, it's over with this guy unless you are just interested in sex and that rarely works out with someone you've had a previous relationship with. Chuck him back and find someone else who prioritises you whether it's just takeaway or sex

These responses are really making me feel like an outlier. I tend not to make explicit sex based plans because I don't like to commit to sex days in advance. For me consent means that I leave open how the night goes and how I feel. Perhaps because of bad past experiences, but I never want to be in a position where a man feels entilted to have sex with me, because I'd "invited it in", like some sort of penis vampire.

I also like a little bit of chase if it's a man I'm not living with - I just wouldn't find "hey fancy coming round for a film and a fuck" sexy at all. So I would be far more likely to say come round for dinner, and then see how it goes and how I (and they) feel. So I guess OP it depends how this went down. You are not unreasonable to think you'd hinted that you would be up for having sex, but you are unreasonable to think he'd committed to it. In general, I guess, I don't think you really can commit to having sex in advance.

God now I want to die of embarrassment as I announced on the large family WhatsApp group with adult nephews/cousins etc that DH and I werent going out on Friday but Netflix and chilling. I now understand the TMI comment from my son. 😭

It was only '
Today 20:50
He finally messaged today, just normal chat and I mentioned having some nerves about having him over, saying it was a big deal to me and I wanted some reassurance from him. He replied saying 'well we can cancel. It's not a big deal, just a movie and food'.

We're adults; he clearly knows what a movie and food means right?! '

that you posted the above on your previous thread - lots of posters suggested you move on in your life, and move on from him.

Did you not get the responses you wanted ? hence starting this thread 42 mins later ?

As I said on that thread, it doesn't matter if he understood what ' a movie and food means or not ' he is not that into you.

"penis vampire" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 🍆🧛

I think this is what happened and its great advice.
I hope you're ok OP.
This guy isn't interested and tbh any on/off relationship that lasts over two years in the same pattern is eighteen months too long.

Stop trying to analyse this guy's actions. Throw him back and leave yourself open to meeting someone else.

Yeah this would annoy me. I don't have patience for that. Just say and ask for what you want. I don't like to deal with indecisive people and I prefer my partner to be direct.

@VampireWeekday totally agree.

I am mystified by many of the posts on here. If you have had sex with someone before and you invite them over for a film and a takeaway then of course it’s a suggestion you might have sex! Also, of course it depends how you feel in the night. You might have changed your mind, you might feel too full of food etc etc. Or HE might not feel like it. That’s why I wouldn’t always say ‘come over for sex’. Not because I am coy and old fashioned and speak in code but because I want to see how things go.

Would I now look like a horrible person to take back the invite after this confusion? It has made it clear to me we're on different pages

Good healthy relationships just aren’t this hard. Say what you mean, no need for code words.

As an adult I think if I wanted to invite someone over for sex I'd just say so, particularly if we spent a lot of time comfortably texting about sex (though frankly I'd much rather the movie and takeaway).

If you're the one that's said movie and takeaway then I dont think you can complain when it's assumed that's what the offer is. If you'd said movie and takeaway and meant it and he turned up with a pair of handcuffs and condoms presumably that would be much worse.

Penis vampire 🧛‍♂️ 😂 amazing. I'm going to try and work this into year 10 consent lessons, much better than the tea video.

But Netflix and chill definitely means casual sex, so don't say it!

*Dery · Today 22:53

Whether or not it’s code, for me, there’s no obvious reason why an evening in for people who have previously been sexually intimate should not also include sex provided both parties are freely consenting. Does it need to be “booked in” beforehand? That said, I agree with PP that it’s a point in his favour that he didn’t just assume sex was on the cards.

But reading between the lines, he accepted your invitation for food and a movie, you offered him sex when he was with you and he acted surprised and turned you down and you felt humiliated and rejected. I don’t think you did anything wrong in suggesting sex but you and he aren’t on the same wavelength on this and it sounds like you may be wasting your time with him now*

Exactly this

Your reply gave me a laugh, a secret code only known to one person sounds so silly

No, op was annoyed he wasn't enthusiastic about the date on Thursday so explained. Now he is enthusiastic, like she wanted, but she's pissed off because now she realises he only wants sex not the relationship/ rest of the date.

Well, I didn't know that.

I presumed "Netflix and chill" meant lozzocking about on the sofa watching a film.

So is this just all over text, he hasn't actually come over yet? You haven't eaten, entertained or been rejected?

This is far too much hard work. You inviting him and then putting pressure on the situation and telling him it's a big deal etc that's a huge turn off. Either you like him and trust him enough to have sex with or you don't. If you've had issues in the previous relationship and still not over it and needing to make big declarations in advance then he nor the relationship is for you

Sorry I find this strange. Why overthink this? You invited him for food and a movie - great but then how in earth did he know you were hoping to do the deed? Did you try to clarify in advance after the invite? I mean that is odd in itself

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong!

I wouldn't make the connection. I would be offended if a man thought an invite for a movie and a takeaway automatically meant sex and probably wouldn't see him again.

I am obviously too old for words and I predate Netflix and chill by decades, but in this situation I would have thought sex was expected to be on the cards. Maybe I am a total slut but have never stayed over at a guy's house and not thought sex was a part of the scenario...

Sorry @AndThatWasNY you've given me a great laugh!

Isn’t it refreshing that he didn’t assume he would get sex?
what if you had just wanted movie and a takeaway and he jumped on you?

Sometimes I feel sorry for men - not all men but the decent ones, they can’t win sometimes

He wasn't at all bothered but when sex was offered, he's now far more interested.

I should just forget this man, shouldn't I?!

Would I now look like a horrible person to take back the invite after this confusion? It has made it clear to me we're on different pages

@Catladyireland I think you should forget him- block him to stop yourself getting back involved in future. He's only interested in using you for sex- once he thought sex wasn't on the cards, he wasn't interested/was annoyed. Whereas you're looking for some sort of relationship. x

😂 so true.