He didn't know an invite over would mean sex

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I have posted a little bit about this man before. We had been in an on/off relationship and i invited him over for 'movie and takeaway'. He was being quite strange about it, very kind of cold which I thought of as strange considering our past. I thought movie and takeaway was code that every adult would know....

I asked him tonight how did he feel about it and he said 'it's not a big deal, just food and a movie'. He says he thought I just meant food and a movie, he didn't make a connection about anything physical.

He's 39. What do others think about this? Seems ridiculous not to make that connection.

I wouldn't assume that, I'd would probably assume it was a possibility but would not say an inevitability. Also as an adult I'd expect people to be plain in their language. I feel I'm a tad too old to assume that 'Netflix and chill' is sex, and would want a parson, if I'm not in a relationship with them, to be able to clear about their expectations.

There are a lot of very innocent people in this thread 😂

Obviously if you've been hooking up with someone and invite them over, it's clear what it means.

To be honest most guys would assume it meant more even when it didn't.

I don't necessarily think it's a 'code' that sex/an overnight stay is on the cards any more than say 'come back to mind for a coffee'. It would really concern me if it was 'understoid' that's what it meant.
My concern in your position wouldnt be that he misunderstood, it would be that he wasnt that bothered. I'd say hes just not into you. If you feel similar and it doesnt bother you be a bit more upfront. Just ask him if hes up for some no strings sex.

"Maybe it might lead to more" is not the same as assuming it's actually an invitation to have sex

I sent a big apology message saying 'I'm really sorry, I would never normally assume but because of our messages and general etc I thought maybe we were in that place'.

He replied 'Yeah, I just wasn't really thinking about Thursday' (meaning our plans).

I should just forget this man, shouldn't I?!

He's a man. most of them don't do subtlety, it's actually a good sign that he didn't take sex for granted, not a predator, respects boundaries. Give him credit and draw him a map next time.

but haven't recently due to other relationship issues we had.

I think you have answered your own question really

Now if you had said “come over for Amazon Prime and cold lasagne” that would have been much clearer. Downright explicit in fact.

I've never heard of that before. Sounds like a wild assumption to make anyway.

I caused great hilarity when I suggested to son and DIL that they after a hard day of DIY settled down, watch Netflix and chill 🤭

I must be very innocent then lol beacuse I would not think that is an invite to come and have sex.i would honestly think it meant coming over having a meal and watching a movie.

She should have said to him what she wanted.i get that some men just want it spelt out to them but there are some men that would not interpret that as meaning it means sex.

I've no idea of the timeline here, but did he turn up ravenous for a takeaway, but you pounced for a snog and he seemed confused (and hangry)?

I agree. I really can’t understand people who are happy to get naked with someone but can’t use words to say exactly what they mean.

You want someone to come over for sex - tell them in plain English

I'd personally think the exact opposite if I received that invite because when I get a takeaway all I want to do after is lounge about in a food coma nursing my food baby and trying to decide if one more poppadom would send me off the mortal coil. I am not in a sex state of existence after a takeaway.

I also wouldn't have assumed sex.
However, given what else you've described I'd say your wasting your time with this one.

My first rapist got his opportunity because I interpreted "see his guitar and valve amp" literally. I am very glad that your bf treats anything other than "let's have sex" as not being an invitation to shag.

YABVU.

I don’t use any sort of euphemism / code etc to hint at sex so no, I wouldn’t think a takeaway and a film was code phrase for sex! I would assume we’d definitely be having food and watching and tv, but I wouldn’t be assuming sex was an absolute given. I think assuming you’re on the same wave length when you are assuming certain words represent other things is not very sensible.
This is how some women end up trying to eat pizza with horny men lunging at them - ‘but you invited me round for sex!’

Very similar post to your other one earlier this evening - don't you think ?

So not quite ' I have posted a little bit about this man before. ' Did you think by not mentioning he is an on / off partner you would get different responses ?

Whether or not it’s code, for me, there’s no obvious reason why an evening in for people who have previously been sexually intimate should not also include sex provided both parties are freely consenting. Does it need to be “booked in” beforehand? That said, I agree with PP that it’s a point in his favour that he didn’t just assume sex was on the cards.

But reading between the lines, he accepted your invitation for food and a movie, you offered him sex when he was with you and he acted surprised and turned you down and you felt humiliated and rejected. I don’t think you did anything wrong in suggesting sex but you and he aren’t on the same wavelength on this and it sounds like you may be wasting your time with him now.

Maybe he's not that into you.?

All this come up for coffee malarkey is very 90s. I’m not young but these are different times. You just say something like “fancy coming over for a takeaway and maybe a shag after if you fancy it?” and it is as simple as that.

If my single ex invited me over to their house for dinner and a film, I would feel pretty confident that they wanted to sleep with me. If I wanted to sleep with them too, I would accept the invite and use it as an opportunity to not-so-subtly hit on them. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'd assume it was an explicit invitation or code for having sex - I'd think it more as creating the best circumstances for the night to lead that way. I wouldn't go round if I already knew that I didn't want to sleep with them. If I wanted to be friends, I'd suggest we do something else, like go for coffee or a walk.

Maybe it's time to release him back into the wild and recast your net OP.

If you’re in an “off/on relationship” and invite him over for as you have mentioned, are you saying you are happy to be his casual sh@g buddy?

Good for you if that is all you are looking for at this time. But if you’re wanting/expecting more from him/someone else, then it’s time to pick your self-esteem up and out from the gutters.

It really shouldn't.

Consent is not about 'taking it for granted'.