Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

I remember my mum’s partner throwing a mug at her head and it smashing on the wall. It’s like it replays in slow motion. It’s awful.

To be frank, blaming alcohol isn't the way to go about accepting responsibility for your behaviour.

You need to look at every one of your posts here and try gard to assess how they would come across to a social worker in conversation.

You need to do some serious thinking about the topic of personal responsibility and how to express your understanding of it to a social worker in a way that will make him or her understand that you understand what it is.

Hint:
"If it wasn't for the alcohol it wouldn't have happened..." isn't the way to convince a social worker that you have grasped the issue here.

Come on, She was the one who was pissed and who was arrested ! She needs to take responsibility

@ea4843 A similar thing happened to a friend of mine.

She let the bloke back in the family home (against a safety plan from SS) and the first day he looked after their baby by himself he broke the baby's leg, the injury suggests it was deliberate.

He's being charged with the injury.
She was found guilty of delaying getting medical attention and she'll never have custody of her child again. She'll probably lose her career over it, too.

You really need to never see him again on your own or allow him in your home.
Be firm with yourself.

There are loads of men out there, you don't need one that carries the risk of losing your DC (and obviously, don't end up with a similar new partner either, insomuch as you can avoid it.)

‘We’re allowed time off’???? Sorry but once you are a parent time off takes a different definition. You doing something dangerous and irresponsible with a tiny child at home who depends on you for everything makes your parenting ability questionable to say the least. Are you very young? Or just immature.

Unrelated but known men are the single biggest preventable risk to your child in your home. Alone, only a year relationship

SO MANY red flags in this post that OP doesn't even seem to realise. These things are absolutely "not normal" by educated people's standards (to borrow your own phrasing), regardless of how much you convince yourself that you have a have a nice, middle class life.

1. Getting into a relationship with a man (regardless of whether you were already friends for years) when you daughter was just 1 yrs old. You think she's the "happiest" 2 year old but she presumably spent her first years with a lot of instability and no father figure.

2. It sounds like you are happy with your life now because YOU found a new partner extremely quickly and therefore you believe your daughter is happy. You placed her in the care of an unrelated man which is a massive, fucking no-no. Almost everyone knows that. It's by far the highest risk of child abuse.

3. This man IS an abuser. There is absolutely no logical situation or justification to drag a woman up the stairs by force. And presumably he was stone-cold sober after a night of babysitting.

4. After having your night out which sounded great, why on earth did you want to go out again?!! Most mothers are happy and relieved to be home and take over the domestic duties from the babysitter. You seem to blame it all on alcohol which is not an acceptable excuse by any means. Ask any child who grew up with an alcoholic parent who flew into rages or left them with abusers but "blamed it on the drink".

You seem much more focused on your own happiness, your relationship, your nights out then what is truly good for an innocent 2 year old child. So it's an entirely predictable outcome that this has led to social services and the police. They're obviously not going to do much because there are so many families out there in much worse situations. So unless it happens again, it'll just be a slap on the wrist.

I agree with this.

Your poor DD. It really doesn’t seem like you have learned anything from what happened.

So you are actually still intending to reconcile with this man?

You weren't at fault here, from my perspective. If I had a partner who did that to me, I would have scratched his chest or much worse. In fact that did happen once - I got very drunk, he upset me by having a go at me, so I decided I was leaving, so he physically dragged me back to the bed. I even had a therapist at the time who said it was fine because he was concerned about me.

It is NOT fine. There are better ways of handling it and I wish I'd ditched him right away. There's no excuse for putting your hands on a woman. He's lucky I didn't punch him because I was so triggered.

I am very surprised and disappointed that the police are pressing their own charges against you. Is there more to it than what you've said? I just really don't understand how you scratching him leads to that.

I hope very much that when social services visit that when you explain, and boxes get ticked, they won't be in your lives for too long.
If you stay with this current partner, they will be though. He was violent towards you. And irrespective of the fact that I don't think this will look good to SS, I think you should ditch him ASAP.

Onwards and upwards OP.

The fact that you have very little support is no excuse.

You failed to keep your child psychologically safe .

Many women have trauma backgrounds - and they still manage to safeguard their children.

This isn't a situation where people can give you a "there there dont do it again".

I've been a single mum ( 7 years) to a very challenging adhd/add/asc child. I've been tipsy and fallen asleep downstair in my own home. My nursery nurse friend babysat and put duvet on me and water nearby.

Boys in blue never turned up or nicked me.

@User4363463
There is absolutely no logical situation or justification to drag a woman up the stairs by her hair.

He didn't. Stop making shit up.

The fact you have both been charged doesn't bode well.

Just own it, as you more or less have on here. Don’t minimise it, as you have tried to in parts on here. If you are sincerely sorry as you appear to be, just be that and have a plan to do better. Your ex boyfriend is addressing his issues, so what are you going to do to address yours?

It does sound like you were very very out of control that night. It sounds like far more than too much wine with dinner. Most people would sober up pretty fast if the police appeared at their door, but you couldn’t. I imagine SS will talk to you about your alcohol use, so don’t be defensive about that - figure out what went wrong that night and how it won’t happen again - talk to them about what you plan to do differently going forward. We are all entitled to relax, but as a sole parent you cannot get entirely off your tits, unfair though that may be.

Your relationship dynamic doesn’t sound healthy. It’s good that he’s moved out but you need to stop calling him your partner. He isn’t - you are separated. SS will expect a clear plan not just for him to address his emotional regulation, violence and anger issues, and for you for your alcohol and emotional regulation issues, but a clear sense that you both understand that your relationship cannot continue until you are both sorted out. This is likely to take a year or two during which you would both be better away from relationships.

I think you are getting a rough time about having him babysit, given you’ve known him for years, but PPs are right that a year is too early to move in with someone when you have a child, particularly if you know he has a mental health issue. Two years minimum. SS will want you to acknowledge this was ill thought through and the relationship is ended.

I am sorry you lost your Dad and don’t have other family. ss will likely want to know how you are feeling about this, what happened to your relationship with your child’s father, what contact he has with your child, what support you have.

They will very possibly suggest a parenting course and maybe some sort of counselling or ongoing checks. Engage with whatever they suggest and focus on sorting yourself and your lifestyle out. Your child’s welfare depends on it.

If neither you nor your ex want to press charges but the police do, I would talk to citizens advice about that in the first instance.

This ^

Do not try to outsmart social services or pull a fast one.

You have to demonstrate unequivocally that you are determined to put your child first in all of your relationship decisions and your lifestyle.

Social care are typically as judgemental as the most judgemental posters here, so it will probably help you to listen to what people are telling you.

Your daughter has an ACE (adverse childhood experience) score of 4, from your opening post alone:

1. Witnessing violence
2. Parental substance use problem (you can't drink responsibly)
3. Exposure to mental illness within the home (your new boyfriend has BPD)
4. Parental seperation

It must have been terrifying for her to wake up to this shit show.

If you're not minimising, you're doing a good job of sounding like you are. You'll probably want to sort that out before you speak to the sw.

@ea4843 I am so sorry for your situation.

The thing is you really can't do this shit when you are a parent. It all changes and so your behaviour has to.

You can't come in shit faced and then decide you want to go back out and carry on. You just can't

Go out by all means, come home at whatever hour and be rough the next day. Fine. Just dont pull a stunt like that

It’s better she be honest with SS as to how she views things so they get a real picture of the situation and can tailor any support needed.

If neither you nor your ex want to press charges but the police do, I would talk to citizens advice about that in the first instance.

It's not up to the op or her ex to decide not to 'press charges'. That is a decision that will be made by the Crown Prosecution Service.

Learn from it and move on, but most importantly: take responsibility.

The social worker won't care that it was a nice wine with dinner 🙄 but they WILL want to hear you won't be getting back together with that man or leaving your child to be looked after by your next boyfriend. I suggest you acknowledge this as a mistake and don't try to defend it

You’re in complete denial of the bare facts. Take responsibility. Your daughter absolutely deserves to be checked on to ensure she is safe.

Bereavement can do some really weird things to your mental state, especially when you're drunk. Unfortunately you only realise this afterwards, when you've seriously embarrassed yourself (ask me how I know!). I don't mean to downplay it, but your behaviour was so obviously out of character I think SS may well accept your explanation as far as your actions go. However it is a really harsh lesson for you that alcohol is not your friend and your should really stop drinking at least for a while, until you're on a more even keel.

However the partner - grabbing you, pinning you down, shouting in your face. That's not right, not at all. He was sober and should never have reacted in that aggressive way. Sadly I think your relationship is probably over, because you can't trust him to act appropriately in stressful situations and you have your DD to think of.

Best of luck with the police and everything OP. I'm really sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure what the majority of these comments are hoping to achieve other than to stick the boot into the op and make her feel even worse.

Yes her actions were very bad. It was not a good night for them. However it was a one off mistake, she was rightly mortified and ashamed. She has kicked the partner out. What good will it do to tell her she is 'one of those families'.

Fwiw some kids see this shit and worse every day. That clearly doesn't make it ok but a one off, isolated incident does make a bad childhood. Op needs to learn from this and make sure it never happens again.

Be honest with ss op. Don't minimise your actions just apologise for them and show them how you'll prevent this happening again. Then move on, your dd is 2 she won't remember it. But take it as a very important lesson not to get in that state again.

And if I were you I would hide or delete this thread because all you'll get here is judgement and abuse. People love to feel superior and sadly you've given them a great thread to pounce on.

Wish you and your dd the best.

Sorry, misread that and corrected it. But I don't think there's any difference between dragging someone by the hair vs. dragging them by their arms or torso. So stop normalising abusive behaviour with your little flippant comments.

Good, thank god someone will look after your child.

Hi op I am a social worker. What they will be doing is an assessment and it will involve checks with nursery / health visitor etc. The sw will also want to visit your dd so it may turn into 2 visits. They will decide, based on info gathered from conversations with you and the professionals involved, whether your dd and you need ongoing support and what that support should look like.

It sounds like you've had a really tough year, losing your dad in August and am I right you've lost your mum too? That's really rough for you, and not to have any other family support either. And despite it being absolutely right to separate, you've now lost your partner, who was obviously helpful in some ways. Acknowledge your vulnerability op and think about who are the truly safe people in your life, and pull them in close.