Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

Hello 👋 You don't need a 3rd degree lecture, you need reassurance.

SS will most likely come out, have a chat, you'll tell the truth and they'll want to check you and DC are both safe. They'll see it's an isolated incident, you've learned a sorry lesson.
It was a poor choice, we've all made poor choices.
Learn from it and move on.
Good luck op xx

Yup.

Domestic violence and drunken screeching so neighbours can hear isn't only done on sink estates.

The noise must have been frightening for the neighbours to have called the police.

Plus for the police to arrest.. That isn't done over a mere few words.

were u arrested though?

the dv charge is a huge problem and one of the most common reasons children are placed in care.

OP is the charge dv or dv and dnd?

Can I ask: did your daughter witness any of this directly? I witnessed my mum bring slapped in the face by my stepdad only the once and I can still recall exactly where I was sitting in the living room when it happened. As a child, DV is literally terrifying.

No child should have to suffer it.

You need to stop drinking.

And you need to end the relationship with the man who used physical force against you and terrified you and consequently your child.

Yeah, she should try and put all the blame on him. SS will never have heard that one before! And if she wants to claim he's violent or its down to his personality disorder then they are going to wonder why she left her 2 tear old with him in the first place !

You do seem to be downplaying this op - what did your daughter witness? What help does she need?

How does your partner’s bpd affect him op? (I have a close family member with the condition.)

OP you are intending to reunite after the assessment has taken place, is that right?
So the fact you are separated and presenting this as a 'one off' event is only until you get your privacy back?

Can you not see how your unstable lifestyle might impact on your young baby? It's really not a fault finding exercise and it would be a big mistake to attempt any 'cover-up' until the coast is clear.
They will take into account your bereavements in the light of your resilience/vulnerability and how it impacts on your parenting - please take account of any help you may be directed to. The assessment is intended to help you get the best outcome for your young baby.

You left your 2 year old DD alone with a man you’ve only been with for a year.

You got so drunk you were totally out of control.

Your boyfriend responded to this with domestic violence.

This is not right at all and I say this as a fellow single mum. Get rid of the boyfriend and be sure to drink more sensibly in the future. You are a parent now, anything could have happened.

I suspect there’s a bit more to this for your neighbour to have called the police tbh.

Yeah, she should try and put all the blame on him. SS will never have heard that one before! And if she wants to claim he's violent or its down to his personality disorder then they are going to wonder why she left her 2 tear old with him in the first place !

I understand what you're saying but I think if it's immediately followed by OP saying she no longer has anything to do with him then it'll go down better with SS.

OP, I'm not judging you, I'm far from a perfect parent.

I have 3 kids under 4 and just want to give you a word of advice. You shouldn't really get shit faced drunk when you have kids that young.

What if they suddenly need A & E during the night?

Of course your boyfriend can take your daughter to hospital in an emergency. But it's always best to have a parent there.

Social services are following their guidelines, which when you look at the circumstances, is entirely appropriate. However, I don’t think they would be doing anything but fact-finding about you and your life with your child to support and offer guidance where needed. They should be working with your cooperation to ensure this was a one-off.

I don’t doubt it’s absolutely mortifying and shameful, but I’m sure you’ll be able to put it firmly behind you. You made a massive cock-up, but presumably an isolated one. I hope it works out for you.

OP I think you're getting a harder time than you deserve because you've got people's backs up with the "we're not that sort of family" attitude. It's understandable that you feel horrified and embarrassed, there is unfortunately a stigma attached to SS involvement and of course you feel defensive if this was very out of character. You should consider that that is true for most working class households as well, and that education and money don't make you inherently a better parent, but that's a side issue.

You fucked up by drinking past your limits and allowing yourself to step outside being a mum - you can have breaks, but you're still her mum, still responsible for her so you just can't get yourself into that state. It sounds like you've been through hell recently and desperately needed a break; we all fuck up sometimes so I would forgive yourself for that lapse (and try to build in some proper breaks so you aren't so stressed out you end going too far again).

That's where your fuck-up ends, imo, and while not stellar parenting, most of us would have got away with it once without facing SS involvement. The really scary shit is what happened next; your partner, whom trusted enough to leave your child with him, violently attacked you, dragged you up the stairs, pinned you to the bed and screamed in your face. You scratched him in self-defence. He assaulted you, it was a completely unjustified physical attack and you are not to blame for that at all.

The most important thing to do now is get your head straight and your thoughts organised before you have to talk to SS or the police again. Stay calm, take full responsibility for the bits that were your fault and know what measures you will take to prevent them from happening again. Be very clear about what your partner did to you; if there are marks on you, photograph them. Commit to keeping this man away from your daughter and yourself and cooperate with any safeguards SS want to put in place. You'll get through this, but you can't be defensive or fall back on "but we're not like this". Hardly anyone is; most of SS work is people just like you and me, and most cases get closed very quickly, as hopefully yours can be

Wow, OP, I don’t want to say ignore some of the posts here as there are good points raised, particularly about the safety of your child/ who you should leave your child with. However, I believe some people might be triggered so ignore the hostility.

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s very hard, and sounds like you badly needed a night out to let your hair down. And the fact that you wanted to go back out after coming home is not weird, you were obviously having a good time, or a break from the stress you are going through, and then just had a notion to continue the break, there is no harm in that.

I didn’t drink for two years after my first child and when I did go out, despite my best efforts to drink water between drinks I ended up loolah! It went straight to my head as I hadn’t the same tolerance to alcohol pre kids! It happens.

One problem is your partner’s reaction, (however, BPD doesn’t necessarily mean violent). You’ve made the right decision to split / leave if this is his tendency, though. So you’ve already taken steps to make up for this event. And that was tough, so well done on that.

The SW will want the truth so I would explain what happened, and the actions you’ve taken to rectify it. I would ask them for any recommendations and take all of their advice along with agreeing to anything they tell you do. But I think you will be ok.

You seem remorseful and while you of course would never want to expose your child to any violence, they won’t remember this long term, so take it as a valuable lesson learned, and spend some extra time focusing on them. Extra Mammy time, extra cuddles. But please also take some time to focus on you, too. Grief is very tough. Being a single parent is also very tough. Going through this additional stress, along with a breakup on top of it all, is also going to now be tough. Lessons have been learned, actions taken. Now be kind to yourself. I hope it all works out for you. X

Are you me? I had exactly this experience when I was 7. Nobody saw it but me. I can still remember the cold sick sensation.

To be frank leaving your child with an unsuitable child minder is another hurdle you will face.

You may have been drunk and scared and reacting in a way that wasn't typical for you?l, but your partner wasn't intoxicated when he dragged you up the stairs and pinned you down.
he reacted to you not doing what he wanted with violence and he will do it again
I would have that man around my child personally.
i had a very similar situation-
waa out drinking with partner (child's dad) when child was about 1, I wanted to stay out and he wanted me to go home- he grabbed and shoved me over a bush and a passerby called the police, social services were informed and all that happened from that was that they spoke to us and decided DS was safe and ok with us and closed the case.
however, I didn't press charges despite the domestic violence team from the police helping, because I thought it was a "one off, out of character" thing- it wasn't. He only got more controlling and more violent. Get out of the relationship and don't let this man near your child would be my advice

This.

If ss think he is risk then you could risk having your child removed if you carry on seeing him.

It must have been loud and serious for neighbours to call the police.

OP lesson learned. The child protection team will monitor you for a while. Just be honest and prove and ensure that your child is safe!
You are not the first parent to show poor judgment but ensure it never happens again !

OP, please try and wade through the responses to pick out some very useful replies. Don’t get defensive - as you know, this was a very bad situation to put your child in. Hopefully social services visit will just be a formality but if they’re thorough (which I hope they are), they will want to know if you’re going to be living with this man.

I suspect your behaviour was very questionable but there is no excuse for his behaviour. You should 100% end the relationship. Even if he wasn’t violent in past relationships, there has proven to be a unhealthy dynamic in your relationship with him and you cannot guarantee it won’t happen again. Neither can he.

Be very careful who you leave your child with.

A lot of the negative comments to you here are because you have shown some kind of snobbery - ‘naice’ wine etc - when it doesn’t matter really, not to social services. I get you’re trying to say it was a one off but it quite rightly gets people’s backs up. You can live on a council estate and be a very good parent with no drama you know!!

Absolutely true.
The excusing and minimising here is what is making people raise an eyebrow.

IF you had said ''I got utterly rat arsed, and got into an a drunken altercation with my male friend who was babysitting'' at least it would have been honest.

Just because someone has a few qualifications and a house doesn't excuse them of anything.

Instead, it just makes them look insufferably arrogant.

Exactly.

For your neighbour to call the police it must have been pretty prolonged and loud. Your daughter has seen and heard that.

Your job now is to absolutely ensure her future safety physically and psychologically. This is what SS will want to see.

Your relationship and ongoing contact with this man needs to end. You need to stop drinking.