Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

I'm afraid you need to cop on to who you really are. Drinking better quality wine doesn't make you any less drunk. Having a nice home doesn't make domestic violence acceptable. Being educated with a good job didn't stop you leaving your toddler with your partner from a short relationship.

You need to take action to change. Taking responsibility means putting things in place to keep your child safe, not wailing about it being a one off.

As other PP have said, you need to cooperate with social services and I would suggest that you get help with your drinking.

It doesn't matter how expensive the bottle of wine was that you drank or how nice the restaurant it was served in. When it comes down to bare facts, the police were called to the address of a single parent who was absolutely shitfaced following a very loud disturbance in which she and her boyfriend, who had been left with her infant whilst she was out with friends getting very drunk, were physically fighting and the neighbours were concerned enough to call 999.

That makes you absolutely the kind of family who needs Social Services visiting - alcohol, bereavement, single parenting, boyfriend babysitting, mental illness, domestic violence - the only things missing off the checklist are inadequate housing and poverty.

bereavement counselling, anger management, AA, parenting classes and a huge hug from me x

The fact that this incident did happen means you ARE that ‘type of family’ whatever that means. Do you think people who get absolutely bladdered knowing they have a toddler waiting at home look a particular way? Or maybe it’s only those on benefits or living in a council house?
OP, stop making excuses and own your behaviour. SS will want to see that you are a fit parent, that you and your boyfriend are no longer together.

The worst part of this imo is that you left your little girl alone with a guy babysitting. You might think you know him but no way on earth would I ever take that risk.

Clearly this night things got out of hand but we all make mistakes. Mistakes mean lessons are learnt and if this experiences lets you make changes, then at least there’s that. (I am not naive to the risk everyone else has pointed out)
I would be honest to SS, you had a night off, drank too much, won’t be happening again. Happy to take on any advice they give you and prove it won’t happen again

Unrelated but known men are the single biggest preventable risk to your child in your home. Alone, only a year relationship

This op. So much This.

As for responses being judgement, you asked us to weigh in which is to judge the situation and advise. We would be doing you and your daughter a disservice if we said nothing to see hear. ALL is good

Sorry to hear about your bereavements. And good luck with SS

I think you’re being a little naive. As far as SS are concerned, they are that kind of family who do live like that, until the op can prove different by her future actions.

I’m sure they hear all the time that it’s never happened before and it’ll never happen again/it was a one off/we’re not like that… Maybe in the op’s case it’s true. Neither we nor SS know. The op needs to acknowledge that, and work on keeping her 2yr old child safe.

Agreed.

I think it's awful you left your DD with him nevermind everything else that happened

my toes are actually curling.
Speak to a lawyer\solicitor\legal representitive .

Don't panic. I've sadly been drunk a few times in the past. Had bad rows with my husband. Tried to go back out.
Social services came. I was mortified too!!
As long as you show them it's a one-off, they probably won't need to see you again.
Good luck OO
No judgement from me. Life happens!!
My family have never been involved with social services before and it wasn't my finest hour!!

You say you want kind advice, well ss are not likely to take further action beyond this one visit.
However, you need to acknowledge that you and your partner are both facing DV charges. All abusers had a 'first time' they assaulted someone. Most alcoholics had a 'first time' they got so drunk that they acted irrationally. Most people who make repeated bad life decisions insist they'll never do it again.

He was right to try to get you to not go out again.You need to avoid alcohol at all cost.

I feel sorry for the guy morethan you here and unfortunately. Anyway SW will just tuck boxes so just play happy happy

Ss will always prioritise the child. To get that drunk with her in the house and then to have a physical fight is awful. I think you know this. They will probably discuss safety, relationships and your daughter’s needs. I’m not sure how it looks to leave a man you have known less than a year babysitting your child. While you were drunk. If she was older and witnessed what happened the affect on her could be huge. I don’t think they will look at it that you have a beautiful home/ are not that type of family. Many people live in nice homes but struggle with addiction, domestic violence etc.

Most people when they have a" night off from parenting" don't think it's ok to be so drunk they have no idea what they are doing. You obviously do think that's acceptable, from your comments about adulting. Your only disquiet has been caused because you have been " caught".
I imagine it would have happened again if you had not been reported this time.
Hopefully this has been a wake up call for you . I'm sorry you so recently lost your father. Perhaps have a think about help you might need.

I am fairly sure you'll end up with nothing much more than a talking to and social services will expect you to end the relationship. What is striking to me is how invested in alcohol you are. That's what the problem is. How do you feel about stopping drinking? I would have an honest conversation with yourself about what alcohol means to you. It sounds like a crutch.

Social services will most likely have the police reports showing you reacted in self defence, and even though you were intoxicated, your partner wasn’t, and with no previous incidents on records they will probably just monitor you both for a while if you choose to stay together or yourself for a while if you separate. Most social workers are genuinely nice people and will see the situation for what it was.

Try not to worry too much. I had social services involvement when my son was small as a nurse at the hospital glanced over and thought I was hitting my son - I wasn’t were were playing a game when I lifted my hand up and then went in for a tickle, but she didn’t watch long enough to see what we were doing, just saw my hand above him and swooped in and filed a report. It was dismissed pretty much immediately after I was interviewed and my son was checked thoroughly for any signs of abuse by a doctor.

just be honest with what happened. Tell them everything you’ve said here.
you left your child with an adult you thought was safe whilst you went out drinking, the baby wasn’t hurt in this scenario and you acted in self defence.

*2 year old. Sharing a home with a man you have been with less than a year. Leaving him baby sitting your 2 year old. Getting drunk coming then wanting to go back out. Then physically fighting m.

You say it’s not your life. But it absolutely is.

Not sure what your nice home, being educated and so on has to do with anything.*

Exactly.

As if domestic abuse only happens to the children of families who cannot read and who aren't 'educated'.

Moving a man in and letting him babysit is really negligent.

As is getting pissed and possibly intoxicated other ways.

Leaving a man who isn't related to the child is a huge risk .

Time to 'grow up' and to start being honest with yourself and social services.

The neighbours heard the commotion!

Stop playing it down!

"Not that type of family!"

Well you are now!

I went to the police in a DV situation and received a letter from SS in the post saying if it happens again then they will get involved. I never heard from them again.

We are not this type of family, we don't live this way

Do not try to make this point to the social worker. You have been caught red-handed behaving like this and living that way.

The incident was loud enough and concerning enough for a neighbour to overhear and call the police, and the police, who see a lot of domestic incidents amd make a lot of judgement calls on these incidents, want to press charges.

You need to grovel, and to agree to any and all parenting courses or relationship work they suggest, including separating permanently from the partner with BPD and apparently a hair trigger temper. You need to rethink your relationship with alcohol if you think getting so drunk your common sense is affected is a definition of having a 'ruddy good time'. You need to agree to all the supervision of your home that social services wants to do.

Social services will most likely have the police reports showing you reacted in self defence,

The police have said they will charge her with domestic assault. She didn't say anything in her posts about acting in self defence.

I don’t think anyone can say social services will just do a tick box exercise. They might.

However, op and her partner (not ex) are both facing charges. They may want longer involvement to make sure Op doesn’t move him straight back in.

@ea4843 Explain the circumstances to SS- he has borderline personality disorder and he'd pinned you to the bed so you were trapped etc.

The obvious conclusion SS will then want to hear to reassure them is that you have permanently ended the relationship.