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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Social services called to my home

435 replies

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:31

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 22:57

@User4363463
Stop minimising the op's part in this shitshow.

katiekay85 · 06/01/2024 22:57

You won’t get any decent advise in here I found that out the hard way, don’t let peoples comments affect you. They don’t know you and like to cast judgement.

social services will come and ask some questions, they won’t cast judgement on you at all and are just going to check that ur daughter is in a safe home and isn’t in any danger. If they’re satisfied, I highly doubt they will visit again.

as for yourself and partner, things can get out of hand sometimes when alcohol is involved and just put it behind you, lesson learned and so on.

im sure you’re a wonderful mum, no ones perfect we make mistakes xxx take care

premiur · 06/01/2024 22:57

Why is he still your partner?

Aside from your issue with drinking you are staying with a man who dragged you up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned you on your bed and shouted in your face.

What are you thinking by staying together Confused

HaileyBailey · 06/01/2024 22:57

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Tinseltiss · 06/01/2024 22:58

after I had my son I found my perfect man he was great with my son the best boyfriend honestly I was so lucky. However as soon as I got pregnant he was calling me names would take my money would isolate and lie to me constantly. After I had my daughter I never saw him then he came back promised the world yet this time he drugged me and assaulted me. I’m nesting this because you don’t know that man I didn’t know my ex. It’s painful but actions are louder than any words I learnt the most painful life’s lesson and you are too. Put your children first and start again

5128gap · 06/01/2024 22:59

Actually, your beautiful home, your business, your education and the fact you don't conform to a stereotype is relevant, as it will be very helpful in your dealings with SS. As will your intelligence and articulacy. You will be far more likely to be able to say the right things to reassure them that it was a never to be repeated one off from which you've learned your lesson than a less educated less successful person would.

newyrgrrl · 06/01/2024 22:59

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You are a perfect person and a saint, well done to you, have a gold medal and pat yourself on the back for having never made a mistake. Is this what you need? Admiration?

I think you're the one who needs to get a grip.

porridgeisbae · 06/01/2024 22:59

@ea4843 You could maybe do The Freedom Programme. That would earn you some points with SS and, God willing, you might learn stuff from it too- how to spot and avoid abusers etc.

theduchessofspork · 06/01/2024 23:00

StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 22:53

If neither you nor your ex want to press charges but the police do, I would talk to citizens advice about that in the first instance.

It's not up to the op or her ex to decide not to 'press charges'. That is a decision that will be made by the Crown Prosecution Service.

Yes I know that - CAB can explain to her how the process works and how to access services that will help her advocate for herself.

Rachie1973 · 06/01/2024 23:01

I’d say tell them what you told us. Your history (or lack of) is easily backing up your account.

Dont minimise, take responsibility, as you appear to be. Acknowledge bad choices made that one night.

I honestly think this will be a standard check visit. It’ll be closed fairly quickly.

StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 23:02

She may be better off getting a solicitor.

BintuBombatu · 06/01/2024 23:02

Surely this isn’t real and you didn’t go out leaving your two year old daughter alone with your boyfriend of a year?

OliveToboogie · 06/01/2024 23:03

Own your shit as we say in Glasgow. You were steaming drunk, he was abusive. End of.

Tinseltiss · 06/01/2024 23:03

You don’t need a father figure to be happy. My parents are still married and I was trying to end my life constantly at 14. Sorry but this really touches a nerve one as a lone parent. And two because I was abused by a family friend and it was never taken serious as I had a nuclear family everything was expected to be perfect m. I agree with all your post but please think about this wording.

Beautiful3 · 06/01/2024 23:03

Hi op, we all make mistakes, but what's important is that we learn from them. He should never have pinned you to the bed, and screamed in your face. That's awful behaviour, and he wasn't even drunk. S.s will only be involved if you were still seeing this man. But if you've broken up, I'm sure they'll stop visiting. But if you do get together again, ss will visit again. I think his judgement is poor and unsafe with your child. If I were you, I'd honestly stop drinking. Wishing you all the best.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 06/01/2024 23:04

I'd recommend you list the steps you've (both) taken to ensure this was a one-off will never happen again.

Write the list down so that nothing slips your memory with the stress of a social worker interviewing you.

It's significant that he's getting help, that you have completely stopped drinking, etc. You could volunteer to obtain proof of this for them (eg letter from therapist, blood test for you).

You must be honest with them though. If you say you've broken up with him and then get back together with him later, social services will be very concerned. If you're unsure about the future together and it depends on his progress in therapy etc, say so.

Firefly2009 · 06/01/2024 23:05

I think we must be missing something about what happened when the police were called because if you just scratched his chest, why are you being done for domestic assault? Maybe I'm naive or not up to date with things but I've been in a domestic abuse situation and there's no way that defending myself /reacting that way would have got me done for any kind of crime.

And ffs with all the judgment on here though. OP, on the face of your post, you got very drunk, you're with a man with problems but you'll hopefully ditch him and you can go back to normal. Perhaps with a different babysitter next time, and with more frequent breaks for yourself, you will be less inclined to get drunk and end up distressed. Say what you need to say to SS and look forwards.

HaileyBailey · 06/01/2024 23:05

newyrgrrl · 06/01/2024 22:59

You are a perfect person and a saint, well done to you, have a gold medal and pat yourself on the back for having never made a mistake. Is this what you need? Admiration?

I think you're the one who needs to get a grip.

Not looking for admiration, no. Just pointing out that single parenting and bereavements don’t excuse dangerous behavior that puts ourselves and our children at risk.

fortnumsfinest · 06/01/2024 23:06

"If neither you nor your ex want to press charges but the police do, I would talk to citizens advice about that in the first instance"

The op can't decide what charges are pressed, the police responded to incident reported by her neighbour and when they arrived the op was arrested due to the behaviour the police witnessed, her being unable to regulate her emotions because she was so drunk. For her to be arrested then the police choosing go push ahead with the charges would indicate this was far more serious than the op is trying to make out

Rachie1973 · 06/01/2024 23:08

BintuBombatu · 06/01/2024 23:02

Surely this isn’t real and you didn’t go out leaving your two year old daughter alone with your boyfriend of a year?

People hire 16 year old babysitters they’ve known less time.

OP says she’s known him far longer as friends. They’ve only been in a relationship for a year.

Firefly2009 · 06/01/2024 23:08

Getting drunk is not dangerous behaviour with a reliable sober person around for god's sake. She's not a drunk, she went on one night out. Him dragging her upstairs which caused her to be upset is what is to blame here. If he wanted her to stay in, there are better ways of dealing with it.

EmmaEmerald · 06/01/2024 23:08

OP how much of the night do you remember?

You were arrested for scratching his chest when he assaulted you?

Given the minimising and general tone of your post, I can't help thinking there's more to it.

Quitelikeit · 06/01/2024 23:12

As per usual the doomsayers are out

Op what will happen is they will come out because they have to. Your case is fairly straightforward and it will likely be the first and last visit you get.

A call to the police triggers the referral when a minor is present in the home.

I won’t criticise you or your partner because I don’t think it would be useful and you have clearly taken responsibility for your actions.

Im assuming since you haven’t seen your partner there are bail conditions in place?

Id be surprised if they go ahead with the case due to both of you not agreeing to press charges.

StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 23:13

I'd be surprised if they go ahead with the case due to both of you not agreeing to press charges.

Again, that is not their decision. Thankfully. Because if it was, every time a person is arrested for domestic abuse no prosecution would happen if the injured party agreed not to 'press charges'.

Noseybookworm · 06/01/2024 23:14

You seem to be in denial about the seriousness of what happened OP - you say we are not 'that kind of people' but clearly you are. The vast majority of people have never been arrested for a domestic assault while heavily intoxicated. Your partner was not drunk (hopefully, as he was babysitting!) but still he dragged you upstairs and pinned you to the bed to scream in your face. Does this sound like a stable environment for a 2 year old child? This is what social services will be asking themselves and rightly so.

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