Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

This is actually a good point and more of a concern then social services tbh. Because if I was the ex husband in this situation I would probably be wanting custody of my child

For everyone that’s come here to pile on the OP, her account is no longer active; she has left MN.

Mumsnet is supposed to be a place of support. There were some valid criticisms and wise advice included. But a lot of this thread has been judgmental to the extreme.

Completely pointless and very much a mob mentality in my view. I don’t blame her for leaving. I hope she has supportive people in her life and that social services (like the one social worker who commented on here) are able to recognise domestic violence and abuse and who the real culprit is.

Are you really going to persist with this?purporting that you are the reasonable measured minority vs the Dullard mob. Handwringing that the nasty mob are ganging up against @ea4843 . You’re very much entitled to your opinion, and conversely others are entitled to their opinion. On this occasion you’re very much in much in the minority it happens. However complaining about other posters and alluding to a mob it’s all a bit poor me conspiratorial.

A majority opinion does not make it the right one,
Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, I think it would be better to bear in mind that a real person is at the other end of those opinions.
There is nothing about me being a victim here; it’s about the OP. And your appeal to popularity is not a defence against huge amounts of judgment against a person, which was unnecessary.
Calling my complaints "conspirational" and “poor me” is a straw man. You have no defence other than your opinion, which you are entitled to: my point is that the way it was done on a public forum was very unkind. And the only thing it has resulted in is the OP leaving. Present that however you want if it makes you feel better!

Firefly2009

thats a real shame
I hope she gets support in RL

abused women are meant to stay calm and sober and chaste it would appear from many threads I’ve read here

one sniff off substance abuse and the knives are out

@Indifferentchickenwings Yep. That.

How sad that someone who came here for support and reassurance has been bullied off the site.

It seems so many of you never moved past being playground mean girls.

Everyone and I mean everyone will at some point in their life make a mistake or do something they aren't proud of. The op messed up, badly. But how sticking the boot in, dramatically praying for her child and basically telling her she's scum of the earth will improve the situation is beyond me.

Genuinely believe some people need to look at the motives behind their spiteful posts and think about what that says about them as people.

They are gravely under staffed and under funded and therefore don’t remove children unless there is any risk to their life.

Make no mistake, children will still be removed from their families regardless of understaffing and Government underfunding.

Social Work/Safeguarding/Child Protection (CP)/Social Services (SS)/Children’s Services (CS) and Police CAIT (Police Child Abuse Investigation Team) are highly pressured and very stressful areas to work in. The lack of staff and Government underfunding exacerbate the issues. Hence why many Social Work and Police staff are continuing to leave the professions in droves.

bulled off site? speculative. maybe yes,maybe no. Frankly op issues are bigger than mn
Meanwhile others are speculating on her motives and actions whilst globally berating mn posters
Do you understand on a discursive forum inevitably there will be vociferous disagreement. Esp regarding child protection and Dv

Well hopefully she will have taken the advice not ti down play it all to SS and not to try and put all the blame on the boyfriend because if she does she will make things far worse for herself

@Zone2NorthLondon it is (at least) no more speculative than all of the judgment thrown towards the OP.

@newyrgrrl you omitted the posters who told op,no biggie and reassured her everyone makes mistakes. The platitudes, the hugs, the minimisation of a serious set of events . It wasn’t wholly a mn pile on, a misguided minority offered asinine platitudes

speculating to suit your pov is not credible no one knows if @ea4843 has left mn feeling broken, or is understandably busy with other issues and not posting

@Zone2NorthLondon If I have speculated to suit my point of view, then you definitely have. And it is not speculation that she has left MN. I have tried to contact her to see if she is okay, and her account is now inactive. Hopefully she was just totally disgusted by the whole thing and is seeking support via the (far too small) links on MN to DV support.

Does it tell you the account is inactive? My settings are set so that PMs aren't allowed (due to dodgy blokes after the sex topic fiasco)

Hopefully she's having a serious think about her actions, I'm assuming some people on here have never had to deal with a completely out of control drunk person trying to leave the house when they are in no fit state to look after themselves

It doesn't sound like op remembers exactly what happened and he shouldn't have physically restrained her , although things could have ended up much worse for her if she'd have gone back out

She's obviously had no issue with this guys dx in the 10 years she's known him and he doesn't seem to have any history of violence. Bpd can be difficult for everyone leading up to dx but as people age they have more understanding of their dx , these aren't young people . I'm also not convinced op means borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar disorder which is what people used to mean by bpd years ago and which can be well controlled with medication

The guy can't be that bloody awful if he was only arrested 2 days later when he made a statement, he could have lied. He obviously told the truth about his part in it all

I'm also not convinced op means borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar disorder which is what people used to mean by bpd years ago and which can be well controlled with medication

I have bipolar and I would assume she means borderline given the context. People with bipolar have episodic symptoms. People with borderline have the symptoms as part of their personality, although severity can vary due to life circumstances, and can improve with therapy.

Borderline explaims his excessive and random behaviour in response to something he didn't like; bipolar only would if he happened to be in a severe episode at the time.

OP was answering people back at first, so if we'd got that wrong she would've countered it.

Yeah, thats not true. Have you ever had a completely pissed person try and go back out again when you know it's going to be dangerous for them? No MH involved at all

It's certainly not random behaviour when your partner behaves like the op did apparently completely out of character

@AllIsWellish IDK I wouldn't want a partner who literally dragged me upstairs, pinned me to the bed and shouted in my face. I don't think that'd be any woman's cup of tea, at least outside of a few people's extreme role play.

OP being drunk and wanting to go out doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Yes. There it is.

That is the basis of my stance on this thread. There is simply no justification for violence towards women. And a lot of the judgment towards the OP is people filling in the blanks of what they think she did, rather than focusing on that.

@Firefly2009
What blanks?

She admits she brought a man to live in her home with her baby when the baby was about a year old.
She admits she left this man who is not related to the baby and whom she knows to have a mental health problem to babysit.
She describes her state of drunkenness and states that she wasn't in control of herself and wanted to do something that was irrational and unreasonable - to continue her binge.
She relates that a neighbor was so disturbed by what she heard of the fracas in the home that she called the police.
Both the OP and her partner were arrested. Nobody is making this up.

This is a thread with a title that focuses on the fact that social services are now poised to investigate the home the OP is providing for her child. This is the situation she must now deal with, and people have posted advice urging her to try to see herself and her decision-making process the way the social workers will see it.

The DV incident is relevant to the assessment of the OP's decision-making when it comes to men, when it comes to who she trusts to care for her child, and her ability to prioritise her child ahead of her need to be in a relationship. It's not what the thread is about. The central theme of the thread is how the OP will come across to social workers.

Women often become the subject of social services investigations as a result of a DV call. Social workers need to assess the ability of the woman to prioritise the welfare of the children over all other elements of their lives. Women who might be fine mothers but for their unfortunate decision to invite men into their homes who turned out to be abusive have been known to lose their children as a result of that decision. This is because the safety and welfare of children are paramount. It doesn't matter if the woman is a victim too. If she can't get her life in order and do whatever it takes to keep her children safe then SS have a duty to take action.

I wouldn't want a partner who got so drunk they didn't know what they were doing and ended up getting arrested either tbh

Oh dear - hope OP takes necessary steps to change the situation, if still reading

Mum ended up putting my father out on the side of the road one night, he was that hammered he tried to take the steering wheel out of her hands and nearly crashed them. The morning after he had no recollections at all just patchy bits of the event. Having seen the effects alcohol can have on a family, I only wish someone stepped in sooner for mine.

Women who might be fine mothers but for their unfortunate decision to invite men into their homes who turned out to be abusive have been known to lose their children as a result of that decision

Yes.

Having seen the effects alcohol can have on a family

OP claims it's pretty much a one off for things to get this bad, but we only have her word for that I guess.