Social services called to my home

ea4843 · 2024-01-06T21:31:01+00:00

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind. I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed. I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father. In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed. To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered. To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed. My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known. I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault. I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before. Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway. I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified! The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them. As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me. And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps. I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade. Any kind advice is welcome, Thanks in advance.

fourelementary · 06/01/2024 21:34

I think you just need to be honest. The SW just need to tick the boxes to show they have checked it all out and I think given the circumstances it will all be okay.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2024 21:38

You'll need to tell them why it happed, why it won't happen again and that you know how harmful and problematic it is.

I'd also say that leaving a man who isn't family babysitting a 2 yo alone, while you get rat-arsed (and you might think his BPD isn't relevant but it might be) is a very poor decision. Unrelated but known men are the single biggest preventable risk to your child in your home. Alone, only a year relationship, known psychological issues, you don't have capacity, and he turned violent. If I was your SW I'd want you to have him move out. And stop drinking totally.

What happened in his past relationships?

Zanatdy · 06/01/2024 21:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2024 21:38

You'll need to tell them why it happed, why it won't happen again and that you know how harmful and problematic it is.

I'd also say that leaving a man who isn't family babysitting a 2 yo alone, while you get rat-arsed (and you might think his BPD isn't relevant but it might be) is a very poor decision. Unrelated but known men are the single biggest preventable risk to your child in your home. Alone, only a year relationship, known psychological issues, you don't have capacity, and he turned violent. If I was your SW I'd want you to have him move out. And stop drinking totally.

What happened in his past relationships?

This. And SS may comment on this, how you know him, trust him etc.

Topee · 06/01/2024 21:42

There’s no point saying “we’re not that type of family”, because that night you were.

Far better to acknowledge your actions and explain how you’ll ensure there’s never a repeat.

StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 21:45

We are not this type of family,

You are now.

Whiskeypowers · 06/01/2024 21:45

Completely agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 21:45

2 year old. Sharing a home with a man you have been with less than a year. Leaving him baby sitting your 2 year old. Getting drunk coming then wanting to go back out. Then physically fighting m.

You say it’s not your life. But it absolutely is.

Not sure what your nice home, being educated and so on has to do with anything.

You can’t change what’s happened. You can however, change going forward and absolutely work with the social worker. I am not sure you deciding to not press charges will be helpful to your case.

He was violent to you and you injured him trying to get you off. It was so poor your neighbour heard and your child woke up and witnessed it.

Stay away from him and don’t move someone in so quick. Even if you have known them as a friend. Many abusers, manage to hide that they are abusive from their friends. You don’t know what someone is like as a parent and potential step parent until you are actually in a relationship.

Original poster

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:45

Your response was the very reason I was reluctant to post this on here in the first place. Thanks for your judgement! I have no "family" to speak of - as in, blood relatives. All of my family are long terms friends. Both my parents are deceased, my dad of cancer only in August just passed. And I'd you'd read my account properly you'd have seen that I haven't known him for "only a year" we've belonged to the same friendship group for ten years, we met at uni. We attended each other past marriages. This man has been very much involved in my life for a long time and my daughters well, all of it! And as for rat arsed, we're all allowed time off. Everyone is allowed a night off from parenting and adulting. My daughter is two and I've never had a proper "break" so to speak since that night - and lesson learned too btw! Not a drop of a decent wine with my meal with pass my lips again.
He has left. We both felt it was appropriate for him to leave to seek help for his own life. He can't do that while he's around me or my child. That wouldn't be appropriate.
As for his previous marriage we'd never heard of any form of violence. He isn't that way inclined generally. However once is too often where there is a child concerned.

OP posts:

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/01/2024 21:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2024 21:38

You'll need to tell them why it happed, why it won't happen again and that you know how harmful and problematic it is.

I'd also say that leaving a man who isn't family babysitting a 2 yo alone, while you get rat-arsed (and you might think his BPD isn't relevant but it might be) is a very poor decision. Unrelated but known men are the single biggest preventable risk to your child in your home. Alone, only a year relationship, known psychological issues, you don't have capacity, and he turned violent. If I was your SW I'd want you to have him move out. And stop drinking totally.

What happened in his past relationships?

This, in bucketloads. Massively poor judgement.

You may think you're not "this kind of family" (whatever that means), but you are.

AllIsWellish · 06/01/2024 21:48

Well it sounds like none of ot would have happened if you hadn't gotten so wankered and decided you were going back out even though it sounds like you didn't have a clue what you were doing .

Obvious he shouldn't have touched you but reading between the lines it doesn't sound like it would have been safe for you to go back out in that state

LessonsLearnedInLife · 06/01/2024 21:48

@MrsTerryPratchett has it spot on.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 06/01/2024 21:49

We're not that type of family, we don't live like that. Having a good job and a lovely home doesn't make you any better than anyone else and, as you are both up on DV charges you are that type of family and you do live like that, for that night only hopefully. Also, why raise his BPD if you don't think it should be "held against him". Just explain to SS what happened, don't see this man again and take responsibility for yourself and maybe don't consume as much alcohol?

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 21:49

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:45

Your response was the very reason I was reluctant to post this on here in the first place. Thanks for your judgement! I have no "family" to speak of - as in, blood relatives. All of my family are long terms friends. Both my parents are deceased, my dad of cancer only in August just passed. And I'd you'd read my account properly you'd have seen that I haven't known him for "only a year" we've belonged to the same friendship group for ten years, we met at uni. We attended each other past marriages. This man has been very much involved in my life for a long time and my daughters well, all of it! And as for rat arsed, we're all allowed time off. Everyone is allowed a night off from parenting and adulting. My daughter is two and I've never had a proper "break" so to speak since that night - and lesson learned too btw! Not a drop of a decent wine with my meal with pass my lips again.
He has left. We both felt it was appropriate for him to leave to seek help for his own life. He can't do that while he's around me or my child. That wouldn't be appropriate.
As for his previous marriage we'd never heard of any form of violence. He isn't that way inclined generally. However once is too often where there is a child concerned.

When people turn out to be child abusers or abusers in general do you think their friends and family aren’t shocked?

Or do you believe they all knew really and turned a blind eye?

Do you believe you would be just better at spotting it? Better than those who are really shocked when they find out someone who is close to them is an abuser?

Of course you are allowed a break. But getting steaming drunk, coming home and trying to leave again and the getting into a physical fight isn’t a break.

Original poster

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:49

I have acknowledged them. I was just stating that I have never behaved this way before and it wasn't for the alcohol it wouldn't have happened on my part. This is important. Our lives are not like this. Everyone can make a mistake.

OP posts:

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/01/2024 21:50

Much like many other people that social services call on I'm sure.

You can either own your actions, or keep minimising and trying to blather on about how 'not like this' you are. Which do you think social services will want to see?

fortnumsfinest · 06/01/2024 21:50

I'm not sure what SS will do op but I'd maybe stop trying to paint yourself out as being somewhat superior.
"Not that type of family" what type of family do you mean? There are millions of family's who are not educated, don't have good jobs and don't drink "decent" wine with meals that manage quite easily to have no involvement with SS

AllIsWellish · 06/01/2024 21:51

I'm sure if he'd have left you to go back out and something awful had happened to you then that would have been his fault as well wouldn't it

FacingTheWall · 06/01/2024 21:53

Ss are unlikely to do much, it doesn’t sound like it’ll meet the threshold for statutory services. However, don’t say this to them - Everyone is allowed a night off from parenting and adulting You don’t get to ‘have a night off’ from being a parent, you still have to be capable of being an appropriate parent at all times, even if you have had a drink.

Original poster

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:53

I'm unsure how to even respond to this? I'm not minimising my actions. I've very much owned them. Like I've said I'm absolutely mortified and embarrased.

OP posts:

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 21:54

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:49

I have acknowledged them. I was just stating that I have never behaved this way before and it wasn't for the alcohol it wouldn't have happened on my part. This is important. Our lives are not like this. Everyone can make a mistake.

What ‘lives’ you have been with him only a year? You haven’t built a life with him yet. And you got into a physical fight so loud your neighbour called the police. This is your life.

This is your life. If it’s not your life, whose is it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2024 21:54

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:45

Your response was the very reason I was reluctant to post this on here in the first place. Thanks for your judgement! I have no "family" to speak of - as in, blood relatives. All of my family are long terms friends. Both my parents are deceased, my dad of cancer only in August just passed. And I'd you'd read my account properly you'd have seen that I haven't known him for "only a year" we've belonged to the same friendship group for ten years, we met at uni. We attended each other past marriages. This man has been very much involved in my life for a long time and my daughters well, all of it! And as for rat arsed, we're all allowed time off. Everyone is allowed a night off from parenting and adulting. My daughter is two and I've never had a proper "break" so to speak since that night - and lesson learned too btw! Not a drop of a decent wine with my meal with pass my lips again.
He has left. We both felt it was appropriate for him to leave to seek help for his own life. He can't do that while he's around me or my child. That wouldn't be appropriate.
As for his previous marriage we'd never heard of any form of violence. He isn't that way inclined generally. However once is too often where there is a child concerned.

I am really sorry to hear about your bereavements. It's hard to raise a child without family support. And yes, having time off is important, but impossible without trusted carers.

Your response was the very reason I was reluctant to post this on here in the first place. Thanks for your judgement!

This though... be really careful. Judgement is absolutely appropriate in this case. Judgement is what SS will be doing. And getting defensive is very risky. Be open, honest and take your lumps. Say he's gone, say you won't be drinking, say you know it was poor decision making on your part, don't try to defend it. You can explain, but also explain how you aren't doing it again.

Hairyfairy01 · 06/01/2024 21:56

You are minimising them, and his. This is the issue. Leaving your dd alone with him is potentially an issue, especially when he clearly has anger management issues. You being so drunk in your dd's home isn't great, your dd witnessing it even worse. Both of your behaviours towards each other were awful. Yet you still call him your partner? Are you still together then?

Janieforever · 06/01/2024 21:56

Can I ask why are you still calling him your partner. Not least because he’s a boyfriend of a year, but because you’ve had no contact since you assaulted each other.

Janieforever · 06/01/2024 21:57

And yes op this is your life, you are these people, this happened.

nameychangio675 · 06/01/2024 21:58

Firstly you need to stop drinking. Alcohol destroys lives - as you’re finding out. Just because you had a bottle of nice wine with a nice dinner doesn’t make you any better than someone downing vodka on a council estate.

Secondly - if I am reading this correctly your DP attacked you. You scratched him but he had you pinned down didn't he? I’m assuming he was sober? That should be the end of that relationship. Has he done this before?