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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Social services called to my home

435 replies

ea4843 · 06/01/2024 21:31

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Sunflwer · 06/01/2024 21:59

Based on what I know about SS, and I can't speak for your particular situation obviously, you may have some monitoring for a while and may be required to complete parenting courses and alcohol related counselling. Your social worker will evaluate the situation and what is right in the circumstances.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/01/2024 21:59

It sounds very much like you are still an item?

Topee · 06/01/2024 21:59

Your posts read as though you think you’re a bit superior, it was a silly mistake and that it’s ‘other’ families this happens to.

When you see SS I wouldn’t explain it the way you have here.

Stick with the other things you have said. My actions were inexcusable, I have ended my relationship and given up alcohol would be better. No talk of education, work and decent wine. These are not differentiators.

helpfulperson · 06/01/2024 21:59

His version of events would be interesting.

AyeRightYeAre · 06/01/2024 22:00

Be completely honest and comply fully with anything they ask you to do.

You need to demonstrate that you will put your child first and understand what you did was wrong.

Don't make excuses.

AllIsWellish · 06/01/2024 22:00

helpfulperson · 06/01/2024 21:59

His version of events would be interesting.

I think so too

Cornishclio · 06/01/2024 22:00

I think you should just be honest. Own up to drinking too much and put things in place to make sure you don't drink so much in the future if it has that effect on you. How you move forward with your partner (or not) needs some careful thought as neither of you handled that situation well. My son in law is a social worker and these are common occurrences in their work visits. They just need to check out the situation as your neighbour quite rightly voiced concern for your daughter.

Education, economic situation has no bearing on how people behave. Some well educated wealthy people are just arrogant and think they can do what they want and behave how they like with no concern for friends, family or wider community. Just learn the lesson and move on. Loads of people have done things they regret in the past.

Ginandjoy · 06/01/2024 22:00

Well I’m a single parent on tax credits renting my house which is no means “beautiful “ would you say I was that sort of family? However I’ve never had social services involved in my life and my kids are almost grown. Never been drunk or had physical fights in front of them either. You are a snob and exactly “that” sort of family after only 2 years now whether you like it or not.

practical advice, I work with vulnerable families and have seen similar situations so don’t worry. Ss may not even call at all and if they do will likely just have a chat and leave. Just be co operative don’t minimize what happened and tell him/her how you will move forward making sure this situation doesn’t happen again.

Greycottage · 06/01/2024 22:00

Wanting to go back out again, after arriving home drunk, when your 2yo was at home, is a red flag to me.

You brush it off as if that’s a totally normal thing to do, but it’s not. Your partners initial instinct to stop you going was probably correct (although the way he reacted is obviously not). Did you have a specific plan like an after party you’d been invited to? Or just generally wanted to head back out into the night? Really odd impulse when you’ve just arrived home to your 2 year old and partner tbh.

Not being able to moderate your behaviour when you’ve been drinking is a bad sign.

Livinghappy · 06/01/2024 22:01

Where is your daughter's father? Could he be asked to get involved with parenting?

I don't think anyone gets into the situation you did without some build up. Where their warming signs that you were close to the edge? This is what you need to be open about.

What was the impact on you daughter? How distressed was she?

watcherintherye · 06/01/2024 22:03

We are not this type of family, we don't live this way.

I’m sorry, but you are and you did. You’re in denial. The Social Worker needs to know that you own it, which is the first step to making sure nothing similar happens again.

StSwithinsDay · 06/01/2024 22:04

If the CPS decide to prosecute you both then you have another problem on your hands. It's not just social services.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2024 22:06

Greycottage · 06/01/2024 22:00

Wanting to go back out again, after arriving home drunk, when your 2yo was at home, is a red flag to me.

You brush it off as if that’s a totally normal thing to do, but it’s not. Your partners initial instinct to stop you going was probably correct (although the way he reacted is obviously not). Did you have a specific plan like an after party you’d been invited to? Or just generally wanted to head back out into the night? Really odd impulse when you’ve just arrived home to your 2 year old and partner tbh.

Not being able to moderate your behaviour when you’ve been drinking is a bad sign.

I suspect, although I don't know, that unprocessed grief might be part of this. A good counsellor would help OP look at it. Bereavement is tricky and grief lasts forever.

I hope OP can work through this quickly and make safer choices for her DD.

Thesearmsofmine · 06/01/2024 22:06

I suspect there is more to this than you are saying here. Work with SS, stop seeing this man and protect your child.
You are this type of family and I commend your neighbours for calling the police, I wish more would do it.

Daniagainagainagain · 06/01/2024 22:07

watcherintherye · 06/01/2024 22:03

We are not this type of family, we don't live this way.

I’m sorry, but you are and you did. You’re in denial. The Social Worker needs to know that you own it, which is the first step to making sure nothing similar happens again.

This

DrunkenElephant · 06/01/2024 22:08

Topee · 06/01/2024 21:59

Your posts read as though you think you’re a bit superior, it was a silly mistake and that it’s ‘other’ families this happens to.

When you see SS I wouldn’t explain it the way you have here.

Stick with the other things you have said. My actions were inexcusable, I have ended my relationship and given up alcohol would be better. No talk of education, work and decent wine. These are not differentiators.

This.

Your background and education do not matter.

You got intoxicated to the point violence occurred while your child was present. How loud were you if your neighbour heard?

Im sorry for everything you’ve been through but you really need to understand the implications of what will happen if you do not make big changes. Your relationship needs to end and you need to quit drinking, do not wait for SS to tell you to do either.

Yazzi · 06/01/2024 22:08

I don't understand if people are being deliberately obtuse or just determined to take things in bad faith. But to me it's clear that when OP says "we're not this type of family, we don't live this way" she means that the behaviour was an aberration and looks likely to be a one off, and not an entrenched or systematic disfunctionality in her home life.

Everyone disagreeing with that statement- it's like you're determined to say "now you have done this, you will always do this, you will always be like this". How fatalistic. Let the lady have her wake up call, and put the actions in place to move on positively.

DragonMama3 · 06/01/2024 22:09

Leave him or risk them taking your child.

Seek help from AA.

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 22:11

Yazzi · 06/01/2024 22:08

I don't understand if people are being deliberately obtuse or just determined to take things in bad faith. But to me it's clear that when OP says "we're not this type of family, we don't live this way" she means that the behaviour was an aberration and looks likely to be a one off, and not an entrenched or systematic disfunctionality in her home life.

Everyone disagreeing with that statement- it's like you're determined to say "now you have done this, you will always do this, you will always be like this". How fatalistic. Let the lady have her wake up call, and put the actions in place to move on positively.

She has been with him a year.

How can you say ‘we never do this’ a year into a relationship?

She still calls this man her partner. Is very likely to be their life if she moves back in. This sort of thing is very rarely a one off.

What makes you think this is different to the vast majority of domestic violence cases, where it ends up not being a one off?

LessonsLearnedInLife · 06/01/2024 22:12

helpfulperson · 06/01/2024 21:59

His version of events would be interesting.

I was thinking this too. I certainly don’t condone DV for one second but I think there’s much more to what we’re being told here.

momonpurpose · 06/01/2024 22:13

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/01/2024 21:47

This, in bucketloads. Massively poor judgement.

You may think you're not "this kind of family" (whatever that means), but you are.

This. And stop drinking

Janieforever · 06/01/2024 22:14

LessonsLearnedInLife · 06/01/2024 22:12

I was thinking this too. I certainly don’t condone DV for one second but I think there’s much more to what we’re being told here.

Of course there is, I agree, the police were called. So it was way more than she’s saying. It was so bad the neighbours called the police.

DragonMama3 · 06/01/2024 22:14

I had a friend who struggled to regulate her emotions. Work sent her to a psychologist and they diagnosed borderline personality disorder.

Bethabooo · 06/01/2024 22:14

Hey op I'm sure everything will be fine. In future get a trusted babysitter someone you know and trust. Be honest with ss. Don't be funny towards your neighbour she or he did the right thing. Shame not many neighbours are like this so many incidents may never have happened. Be honest with ss. Hope all works out ok.

DragonMama3 · 06/01/2024 22:15

Bethabooo · 06/01/2024 22:14

Hey op I'm sure everything will be fine. In future get a trusted babysitter someone you know and trust. Be honest with ss. Don't be funny towards your neighbour she or he did the right thing. Shame not many neighbours are like this so many incidents may never have happened. Be honest with ss. Hope all works out ok.

I'd not be so sure.

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